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batted balls · 06-14-2006, 01:50 PM

Max Mercy, Jr. here again, folks . . .

This is Max Mercy, Jr. here to tell you that the Michigan State offense is the most spartan Ole Max has ever seen.

Now some of you alumni and fans may have said, "Hey, Max, you forgot to capitalize Spartan!" Well, folks, Ole Max knows the English language like he knows the ballparks of America. The reason I didn't capitalize spartan is because it's being used as an adjective, not a noun. It means "marked by simplicity, frugality or avoidance of luxury and comfort" according to Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary (which takes its rightful place on Ole Max's nightstand next to the Bartender's Bible).

Let Ole Max tell you folks this Michigan State lineup is marked by simplicity, frugality and avoidance when it comes to run support for the pitching staff. The numbers don't lie, folks. Michigan State is dead last in all the major offensive categories. When Ole Max says offensive, he means offensive:

*Team batting average--.199!
*Walks--232!
*Runs Scored--254!
*Home Runs--32!

Thirty two home runs! Mark McGwire of USC has 40 by himself for crying out loud. Speaking of crying out loud, you can bet the Michigan State pitching staff, coaches and alums are blubbering. Want more evidence? Center fielder Rick Miller leads the Spartans with a .280 average. First baseman Steve Garvey tops the team with six homers. Left fielder Dick Billings has the most RBIs with 37. Six players--count 'em, six--have an average below .200 (and a seventh, catcher Bruce Look, is at .201).

The poor pitchers! Three starters have ERAs below 3.00 and only one (Mark Mulder) has a winning record to show for it. Closer Dick "The Monster" Radatz has managed 23 saves, second best in the East. Imagine what he could do with any kind of an offense.

In parting, Ole Max is going to give some advice to the Michigan State athletic department. Want to cut back on your budget? Don't buy any more bats; your spartan offense doesn't need 'em!

This is Max Mercy, Jr. signing off . . .

06-14-2006, 01:50 PM	#102 (permalink)
batted balls All Star Starter Join Date: May 2003 Location: White Sox Country Posts: 1,319 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0x in 0 posts	Michigan State Offense spartan For Sure--Max Mercy, Jr. Max Mercy, Jr. here again, folks . . . This is Max Mercy, Jr. here to tell you that the Michigan State offense is the most spartan Ole Max has ever seen. Now some of you alumni and fans may have said, "Hey, Max, you forgot to capitalize Spartan!" Well, folks, Ole Max knows the English language like he knows the ballparks of America. The reason I didn't capitalize spartan is because it's being used as an adjective, not a noun. It means "marked by simplicity, frugality or avoidance of luxury and comfort" according to Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary (which takes its rightful place on Ole Max's nightstand next to the Bartender's Bible). Let Ole Max tell you folks this Michigan State lineup is marked by simplicity, frugality and avoidance when it comes to run support for the pitching staff. The numbers don't lie, folks. Michigan State is dead last in all the major offensive categories. When Ole Max says offensive, he means offensive: Team batting average--.199! Walks--232! Runs Scored--254! Home Runs--32! Thirty two home runs! Mark McGwire of USC has 40 by himself for crying out loud. Speaking of crying out loud, you can bet the Michigan State pitching staff, coaches and alums are blubbering. Want more evidence? Center fielder Rick Miller leads the Spartans with a .280 average. First baseman Steve Garvey tops the team with six homers. Left fielder Dick Billings has the most RBIs with 37. Six players--count 'em, six--have an average below .200 (and a seventh, catcher Bruce Look, is at .201). The poor pitchers! Three starters have ERAs below 3.00 and only one (Mark Mulder) has a winning record to show for it. Closer Dick "The Monster" Radatz has managed 23 saves, second best in the East. Imagine what he could do with any kind of an offense. In parting, Ole Max is going to give some advice to the Michigan State athletic department. Want to cut back on your budget? Don't buy any more bats; your spartan offense doesn't need 'em! This is Max Mercy, Jr. signing off . . . __________________ White Sox fan since 1972 Last edited by batted balls; 06-27-2006 at 01:23 PM.