[DamnYankees]

BASEBALL BONEHEADS

A certain bonehead play was under discussion, and Frank Calico, the pitcher, mused awhile concerning players who have brains but don’t use them, and others who have none, but do the best they can under the circumstances. “It’s amusing to watch some of these ivories wrestling with the signal system,” he said. “On some of the league teams the signs are so complicated that players who are not pretty well furnished upstairs have to carry a set of blue prints.

“I remember a young Frenchy who was excavated from some sand lot and tried by Campy in scrimmage about 10 years ago. His first name was Jakie and his last one was a violation of all the accepted rules of spelling and pronunciation; so they called him Jakie. Jakie could hit about .900 when he was feeling well, but it was a lot of trouble for him to think, since he had nothing to do it with. Campy held him on the bench as a pinch sticker.

“Patiently day by day, Campy went over the signals with Jakie. ‘When I scratch my nose on the right side it means to bunt,’ he would drone along. ‘When I cross my legs, the right one uppermost, it means whale away and do the best you can. If I get up from the bench, take two steps and sit down again, you must attempt to steal. Three steps means hug the base. If I sit down without taking any steps at all it means a squeeze play,’ and so on. “Jakie turned these ideas over in his head until you could hear them hit the corners of his skull.

“The day came when Jakie was needed at the bat. The bags were well filled and there were two down. Campy muttered a prayer and told the Frenchy to go to it. As Jakie picked up his bat Campy said:

“ ‘Don’t forget the signals.’

“Jakie turned and inquired anxiously:

“’What signals?’”