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cknox0723 · 06-27-2004, 12:55 AM

The Kansas City Royals, if you'll recall, were the first team that our oh-so-humble heroes took on in their quest to achieve more than just mediocrity. And The Regal Ones promptly set us in line, pounding our club into submission in the first two games of the season, outscoring us 17-3, and reminding us that we are, after all, just another team. We did manage to squeak out the third game and save face, a metaphorical foreshadowing of our season, at least as to its progression in this infantile stage. But I was unsatisfied and I've remained so -- until now. Time for some good, old-fashioned vengeance.

But Jimmy Gobble stands in our way, and while the Tennessee native isn't physically imposing, his name frightens the heck out of me. And it certainly works for him - he's carrying a 3.42 ERA and a strong 1.18 WHIP. It makes me wonder just how good Jon Garland would be if his name was Jon Moo. We're really lacking a name full of onomatopoeia, though The Out-Sucking Machine is a decent enough substitute, much like Cheez-Whiz.

But no matter how much you might enjoy "pasteurized process cheese sauce", it's still not as good as the real stuff, since it's crap, not cheese. In that sense, our Pale Hose are Cheez-Whiz. And Jon Garland is our own little cheese ball, proven by a lackluster start. Still, a few hard-hit balls manage to go for outs, but Garland issues a two-out walk to David Bell to put two men on for the career .258 hitting catcher, Chad Moeller, batting fifth. That's one of those things that makes you think that either Tony Pena is a dip or he knows something beyond the numbers. In this case, the esteemable manager apparently "believed" in Moeller's numbers against us in that first series - four hits in ten at-bats. That's probably the stupidest of stats to go on (other than ESPN's Productive Outs), but then Moeller goes and puts a hanging curve into the left-field seats. Three-nothing. Um, ****?

Lest we forget, though, we're facing a guy named Jimmy Gobble, and it'd be borderline criminal of me not to point out that he's just a turkey. Turkey Man looks to have the upper hand in the bottom of the first, but Magglio Ordonez destroys a curveball with a picturesque uppercut. 3-1.

Jon Moo gives up a two-out single to Kansas City leadoff hitter Henry Mateo in the top of the second, but Rich Thompson flies out, and all is well. We go down in order, and Moo puts David Bell and Chad Moeller on base in the third, but gets a 6-4-3 double play to get out of it unscathed. We peter out quickly, and the Regal Ones do the same in the fourth, though shenanigans from Brandon Phillips lengthen the process a bit. Our boys go down in order in the bottom half to make it nine in a row for The Birdbrain. Garland does the same in the fifth save a Mike Sweeney double, but he needed help from The Out-Sucking Machine, who's at least making up for some of his incompetence by flashing the leather.

Joe Borchard (Borch) prevents a vein from bursting in my head by ripping a single to left to start off the fifth. Joe Crede follows suit, albeit to the other side of the field. First and second. No one out. Catcher who's 1-13 at the plate. Time to manage, right?

"And the southpaw Gobble steps off the mound for a moment, as he's put two runners on base here in the fifth and just narrowly avoided hitting Miguel Olivo in the head with his first pitch to him. Now he's apparently composed himself, and he checks both runners and begins looking in for Moeller's sign. He shakes his head a few times, finally agrees, and now he sets for the 1-0 pitch. The right-handed Olivo digs in, and the 1-0 pitch is a high heater and it's swung on and driven, way back to left! Mench is back to the track, he's at the wall, and he leaps, but that ball is in the bleachers! A three-run home run for Miguel Olivo, his first of the year, and the White Sox have taken a 4-3 lead!"

Hacktastic Julio Lugo lines a two-bagger down the left field after two quick outs from the bottom of the order, but D.Y. taps out to third to quash that. Still, a lead. A lead with Jon Moo on the mound. I'll take it.

The Moo Man walks a few men in the top of the sixth, but strikes out Henry Mateo on three pitches (his 101st, 102nd, and 103rd of the afternoon) to dodge the silver bullet. Mags Ordonez leads off the sixth with a single, and I try to send him, knowing that a DP ball is inevitable. But the bum can't "get a good jump", and two batters later, Borch ends the inning with a hard-hit hopper at Henry Mateo.

Superfluous Kiko Calero comes in for the seventh. He's rested, so he's got that going for him. Unfortunately, he sucks, so Rich Thompson leads off with a single and moves to third on the next pitch when Miggy Olivo throws the ball into center field. Mike Sweeney And His Aching Back hits a hard shot back up the middle that requires Herculean effort from both Calero and Frank Thomas to turn into an out. Begging for an inning-ending double play ball, I intentionally walk Marty Cordova to bring up Chad Moeller. Except Tony Pena tries to outfox me, pinch-running and immediately ordering James Shanks to swipe second. But Olivo guns him, and an enthused Calero induces Moeller to bounce out to second. I hope the city of Kansas City and all of their freaking catchers and former catchers likes that. Jerks.

I'm surprised to see Gobble come out for the bottom of the seventh, but much to my greater surprise, he's only thrown 70 or so pitches. Still, he just seems done, a theory furthered by a leadoff single for Joe Crede. But Turkey Man gets ahead of Miguel Olivo one-and-two, but the scrappy backstop fouls off a pitch and then turns on a slider and lines it...FAIR...down the left field line. Kevin Mench And His Big Head fetches it, but by the time the ball's back in the infield, we've got men on second and third.

And The Out-Sucking Machine up. Great.

"Gobble, likely working his last inning, has one ball and one strike on Chicago second baseman Juan Uribe, who's 0-2. Uribe adjusts his helmet before stepping in, but now he's ready. Here comes the leg kick and the pitch from Gobble and Uribe lines it...right at Brandon Phillips! And Olivo slips and falls trying to get back to second base, and Phillips will tag the base for the unassisted double play!"

Brian Buchanan pinch-hits for Calero, but Henry Mateo makes a nice play on a high chopper, and the lead remains a mere run.

Shingo Takatsu comes in for the eighth, but on his second pitch, Tike Redman (Tike Redman!) hits a screamer. As before, I think, "Um, ****?", but the wind is blowing in. The wind is blowing in, and Dmitri Young tracks it down near the wall. That whooshing sound you just heard was my sigh of relief. Kevin Mench, though, elicits a louder sigh when he hits a screaming line drive back up the middle. Except the ball happens to shoot right back into Mr. Zero's glove. Brandon Phillips, mercifully, just flies out, saving me from asphyxiation.

A D.Y. double play eliminates the threat (?) of a leadoff single from Julio Lugo in the eighth, and we're faced with Joe Roa to slam the door in the ninth. Joe Roa? Yes, Joe Roa, because Akinori Otsuka is tired and Long_Long_Name is not. Never underestimate rest.

That's a pretty obvious statement, but Roa fans pinch-hitter Byron Gettis and gets Henry Mateo to hit a can of corn, and I'm looking brilliant. Then Rich Thompson, he who's barely above the Mendoza line, singles, and Aching Back Man steps up with the GAME ON THE LINE!!!11!!

"And Mike Sweeney has worked the count to two-and-two after taking two quick strikes. He represents the lead run as well as the final out here in the top of the ninth. Roa toes the mound, Sweeney waves the bat, and here's the 2-2 pitch...slider, and it breaks right in on the outside half! Sweeney could do little but stare, strike three and the ballgame is over! The Sox take this one 4-3 as Joe Roa picks up his first save of the season."

KC 3 CHW 4

WP: J. Garland (2-1) - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 R, 5 BB, 4 K (put guys on, but kept himself composed)
LP: J. Gobble (2-2) - CG, 9 H, 4 R, 0 BB, 3 K, 102 pitches
S: J. Roa (1)

Game Ball Goes To... Miguel Olivo was signed by Oakland as a free agent in 1996, has four children, and enjoys playing the drums. On May 5, 2006, he had the game of his life, going 2-3 with a double and 3-run home run and throwing out a key base runner in the seventh. Certainly, that's a better career highlight than "caught Bartolo Colon".

Craig

06-27-2004, 12:55 AM	#161 (permalink)
cknox0723 All Star Starter Join Date: May 2003 Location: NJ Posts: 1,957 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0x in 0 posts	just call me geoff chaucer The Kansas City Royals, if you'll recall, were the first team that our oh-so-humble heroes took on in their quest to achieve more than just mediocrity. And The Regal Ones promptly set us in line, pounding our club into submission in the first two games of the season, outscoring us 17-3, and reminding us that we are, after all, just another team. We did manage to squeak out the third game and save face, a metaphorical foreshadowing of our season, at least as to its progression in this infantile stage. But I was unsatisfied and I've remained so -- until now. Time for some good, old-fashioned vengeance. But Jimmy Gobble stands in our way, and while the Tennessee native isn't physically imposing, his name frightens the heck out of me. And it certainly works for him - he's carrying a 3.42 ERA and a strong 1.18 WHIP. It makes me wonder just how good Jon Garland would be if his name was Jon Moo. We're really lacking a name full of onomatopoeia, though The Out-Sucking Machine is a decent enough substitute, much like Cheez-Whiz. But no matter how much you might enjoy "pasteurized process cheese sauce", it's still not as good as the real stuff, since it's crap, not cheese. In that sense, our Pale Hose are Cheez-Whiz. And Jon Garland is our own little cheese ball, proven by a lackluster start. Still, a few hard-hit balls manage to go for outs, but Garland issues a two-out walk to David Bell to put two men on for the career .258 hitting catcher, Chad Moeller, batting fifth. That's one of those things that makes you think that either Tony Pena is a dip or he knows something beyond the numbers. In this case, the esteemable manager apparently "believed" in Moeller's numbers against us in that first series - four hits in ten at-bats. That's probably the stupidest of stats to go on (other than ESPN's Productive Outs), but then Moeller goes and puts a hanging curve into the left-field seats. Three-nothing. Um, **? Lest we forget, though, we're facing a guy named Jimmy Gobble, and it'd be borderline criminal of me not to point out that he's just a turkey. Turkey Man looks to have the upper hand in the bottom of the first, but Magglio Ordonez destroys a curveball with a picturesque uppercut. 3-1. Jon Moo gives up a two-out single to Kansas City leadoff hitter Henry Mateo in the top of the second, but Rich Thompson flies out, and all is well. We go down in order, and Moo puts David Bell and Chad Moeller on base in the third, but gets a 6-4-3 double play to get out of it unscathed. We peter out quickly, and the Regal Ones do the same in the fourth, though shenanigans from Brandon Phillips lengthen the process a bit. Our boys go down in order in the bottom half to make it nine in a row for The Birdbrain. Garland does the same in the fifth save a Mike Sweeney double, but he needed help from The Out-Sucking Machine, who's at least making up for some of his incompetence by flashing the leather. Joe Borchard (Borch) prevents a vein from bursting in my head by ripping a single to left to start off the fifth. Joe Crede follows suit, albeit to the other side of the field. First and second. No one out. Catcher who's 1-13 at the plate. Time to manage, right? "And the southpaw Gobble steps off the mound for a moment, as he's put two runners on base here in the fifth and just narrowly avoided hitting Miguel Olivo in the head with his first pitch to him. Now he's apparently composed himself, and he checks both runners and begins looking in for Moeller's sign. He shakes his head a few times, finally agrees, and now he sets for the 1-0 pitch. The right-handed Olivo digs in, and the 1-0 pitch is a high heater and it's swung on and driven, way back to left! Mench is back to the track, he's at the wall, and he leaps, but that ball is in the bleachers! A three-run home run for Miguel Olivo, his first of the year, and the White Sox have taken a 4-3 lead!" Hacktastic Julio Lugo lines a two-bagger down the left field after two quick outs from the bottom of the order, but D.Y. taps out to third to quash that. Still, a lead. A lead with Jon Moo on the mound. I'll take it. The Moo Man walks a few men in the top of the sixth, but strikes out Henry Mateo on three pitches (his 101st, 102nd, and 103rd of the afternoon) to dodge the silver bullet. Mags Ordonez leads off the sixth with a single, and I try to send him, knowing that a DP ball is inevitable. But the bum can't "get a good jump", and two batters later, Borch ends the inning with a hard-hit hopper at Henry Mateo. Superfluous Kiko Calero comes in for the seventh. He's rested, so he's got that going for him. Unfortunately, he sucks, so Rich Thompson leads off with a single and moves to third on the next pitch when Miggy Olivo throws the ball into center field. Mike Sweeney And His Aching Back hits a hard shot back up the middle that requires Herculean effort from both Calero and Frank Thomas to turn into an out. Begging for an inning-ending double play ball, I intentionally walk Marty Cordova to bring up Chad Moeller. Except Tony Pena tries to outfox me, pinch-running and immediately ordering James Shanks to swipe second. But Olivo guns him, and an enthused Calero** induces Moeller to bounce out to second. I hope the city of Kansas City and all of their freaking catchers and former catchers likes that. Jerks. I'm surprised to see Gobble come out for the bottom of the seventh, but much to my greater surprise, he's only thrown 70 or so pitches. Still, he just seems done, a theory furthered by a leadoff single for Joe Crede. But Turkey Man gets ahead of Miguel Olivo one-and-two, but the scrappy backstop fouls off a pitch and then turns on a slider and lines it...FAIR...down the left field line. Kevin Mench And His Big Head fetches it, but by the time the ball's back in the infield, we've got men on second and third. And The Out-Sucking Machine up. Great. "Gobble, likely working his last inning, has one ball and one strike on Chicago second baseman Juan Uribe, who's 0-2. Uribe adjusts his helmet before stepping in, but now he's ready. Here comes the leg kick and the pitch from Gobble and Uribe lines it...right at Brandon Phillips! And Olivo slips and falls trying to get back to second base, and Phillips will tag the base for the unassisted double play!" Brian Buchanan pinch-hits for Calero, but Henry Mateo makes a nice play on a high chopper, and the lead remains a mere run. Shingo Takatsu comes in for the eighth, but on his second pitch, Tike Redman (Tike Redman!) hits a screamer. As before, I think, "Um, **?", but the wind is blowing in. The wind is blowing in, and Dmitri Young tracks it down near the wall. That whooshing sound you just heard was my sigh of relief. Kevin Mench, though, elicits a louder sigh when he hits a screaming line drive back up the middle. Except the ball happens to shoot right back into Mr. Zero's glove. Brandon Phillips, mercifully, just flies out, saving me from asphyxiation. A D.Y. double play eliminates the threat (?) of a leadoff single from Julio Lugo in the eighth, and we're faced with Joe Roa to slam the door in the ninth. Joe Roa? Yes, Joe Roa, because Akinori Otsuka is tired and Long_Long_Name is not. Never underestimate rest. That's a pretty obvious statement, but Roa fans pinch-hitter Byron Gettis and gets Henry Mateo to hit a can of corn, and I'm looking brilliant. Then Rich Thompson, he who's barely above the Mendoza line, singles, and Aching Back Man steps up with the GAME ON THE LINE!!!11!! "And Mike Sweeney has worked the count to two-and-two after taking two quick strikes. He represents the lead run as well as the final out here in the top of the ninth. Roa toes the mound, Sweeney waves the bat, and here's the 2-2 pitch...slider, and it breaks right in on the outside half! Sweeney could do little but stare, strike three and the ballgame is over! The Sox take this one 4-3 as Joe Roa picks up his first save of the season." KC 3 CHW 4 WP: J. Garland (2-1) - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 R, 5 BB, 4 K (put guys on, but kept himself composed) LP: J. Gobble (2-2) - CG, 9 H, 4 R, 0 BB, 3 K, 102 pitches S: J. Roa (1) Game Ball Goes To... Miguel Olivo was signed by Oakland as a free agent in 1996, has four children, and enjoys playing the drums. On May 5, 2006, he had the game of his life, going 2-3 with a double and 3-run home run and throwing out a key base runner in the seventh. Certainly, that's a better career highlight than "caught Bartolo Colon". Craig