[cknox0723]

The WILD THING! And if you call now and send in a low, low donation of $3.99 a month, next time we might even end up with an actual pitcher!

In a matchup that I find fascinating, Rick Ankiel will oppose Tim Wakefield. A contrast of styles, of people, of pitchers...it's an allegory, damn it. Like Plato and his caves, it's an allegory.

Wakefield gets Hacktastic Julio to top a floater and bounce to third, and both D.Y. and Maggs go down on strikes. Watch, after a poll and a couple of days and all of that, we're going to lose 25-0.

However, Rick Ankiel's first pitch of the game is within both batter's boxes, and Johnny Damon, blinded by his hair, hacks away and grounds out to second. Bill Mueller takes a fastball for a fast strike. What is going on here? The next pitch is a looping breaking ball, and Mueller lashes at it, roping a line drive -- right at Julio Lugo.

However, Wild Thing takes a moment to stop and reflect after that, and it's a bad horror movie after that. Manny Ramirez draws a free pass (oh boy, here it comes), and Kevin Millar gets a fat changeup on an 0-2 count and he rips it to the opposite field to put runners at the corners. But Scott Spiezio is one of the many in this lineup that can't hit, and he hits a comebacker. What do you know? Ankiel got through an inning!

Wakefield strikes out Brad Fullmer to start the second, and then Joe Borchard swings at a floater in the dirt on a full count. Pissed off, because, you know, the guy's throwing sixty friggin miles an hour, I tell Pasqua, the third base coach, to tell Ramon Vazquez to bunt. Of course, he fails, since he stopped hitting once the calendar turned to June, and he swings through a 2-2 fastball to strike out. Jeezum crow.

Vance Wilson, that possessed devil, bloops a single to begin the bottom of the second, but the bottom of the Red Sox order's coming. Even Rick Ankiel can get these guys out, right? I mean, half of 'em are hitting .200, aren't they?

Well, someone named Hanley Ramirez hits a slow ground ball down the third base line, which Enrique converts into an out at first through means unknown. Robby Alomar grounds to first for the second out, bringing up the pitcher. And Ankiel gets a 2-2 count on Wakefield...and throws a 55-foot two-seamer that gets past LaRue, allowing Vance to prance home. Damn. On the next pitch, Ankiel scorches a heater past Wake, and we can still see the forest from the trees. It's only the second inning. Never mind that we're being no-hit.

Enrique falls into a 1-2 rut to commence the third, and I'm pleased as punch when he just manages to hit a ground ball to short on the next floater. Hanley Ramirez bobbles it, and then I'm even more pleased than punch. Orange juice, perhaps, or iced tea. I don't know. Jason LaRue takes a couple of knucklers out of the strike zone and on 2-0, the way he's been hitting, he's got the green light. Wakefield goes with his "fastball", and LaRue crushes it...but right at Billy Mueller. Luckily, he bobbles the ball a bit, and the Other Sox only get the force at second. Ankiel, the "pitcher", draws a walk, and we're in business.

Except Julio Lugo, that dastardly fellow, is due up. He lets a couple of wobblers pass and the count's 2-0. But does the count even matter when Julio Lugo's up? Sure enough, he swings at the next pitch as it hits him. ####, what is wrong with him?

OK, I lied. He did get hit by a pitch, but I guess he checked his swing. Barely. But I've never seen that. I think I'm going to go start a new thread in the Discussions forum... (never again will I do that...)

Oh...bases loaded, one out for D.Y. And Wakefield falls behind two-oh, and if we weren't talking about a bunch of overpaid prima donnas, everybody would be jumping off the bench and pounding the, um, ground. As it is, I'm the only one doing that. Well, me and Juan Uribe, I guess.

And D.Y. hits a ground ball right to Bill Mueller -- 5-4-3 double play.

I fully expect everyone on our side to pack it in right then and there, and Alf leads off with a hard single to right, only serving to spell more doom. After a fielder's choice and a fly ball off the bat of the Struggling Manny (sounds like a magician), we only need one more out, and though Kevin Millar knocks a hit to right for the second time, Scott Spiezio grounds out, in the books as a 3-1 out. After all of that in three innings, we're still only down 1-0.

But we've got the heart of the order coming up, and we loaded the bases last inning! So what do we do?

Not. Take. The. Bat. Off. Our. Shoulder.

RF Magglio Ordonez:
Strikes out looking.

1B Brad Fullmer:
Strikes out looking.

CF Joe Borchard:
Strikes out looking.

####! ####! This is Tim Freaking Wakefield, not Hoyt Freaking Wilhelm, Phil Freaking Niekro, or John Freaking Mabry! Four innings, and we don't have any hits!

And Ankiel, who's unsurprisingly up around 50 pitches already, could blow it at this point and I wouldn't blame him. Instead, he strikes out Vance Wilson on three pitches, fans Hanley Ramirez on four, and gets The Alomarian State of Decay to line one right to Julio Lugo. I can feel it turning around. Here it goes...

Ramon Vazquez draws a walk to start the fifth. Oh, is he ever going to start running. Start the carousel, baby, start the carousel!

Oh. He can't get a good jump, as Enrique takes strike one. The pitcher throws a knuckleball, fer chrissake! Well, it was just one pitch...

"There are no outs.
The count is 0 and 1...
Wakefield looks to first, hesitates and works...
knuckleball...
Vazquez doesn't get a good jump.
the pitch is a strike...

It's a flipping knuckleball!!11!

Mercifully, a few pitches later, Enrique hits the ball about five feet, but it at least serves to move R-Vaz into scoring position. If he'd hit into a double play...

Of course, The Mime strikes out, bringing up the pitcher with two outs. But Wild Thing's not just a pitcher, damn it...he's two hundred and ten pounds of uncaged fury! He can hit a little, too, and he smacks a floater right back up the middle and through the infield for a base hit. Tie game! Good bye, no-hitter! Good bye, shut out! And Hacktastic Julio ropes a single! Open up the floodgates...

D.Y. gets a high knuckler on 0-1, and as a guy that used to throw the ball, let me tell you that any time the pitch is above the waist, it'll get creamed. Even the slumping D.Y.'s all over it, and he whacks the little white pill into the left field corner. Ankiel scores. Lugo scores from first. D.Y. gets two, and we're actually winning. Maggs falls into a two-strike pit, though, and he's struggled so much recently, both today and in the last couple of weeks, that I resign myself to trying to figure out a way to protect this two-run lead. Instead, Maggs finds a new routine -- fouling a pitch or two off, taking one out of the strike zone, and repeating until he's worked the count full. Eventually, Wakefield hangs one, and Ordonez clubs it in the general direction of the Monster. It's another double, it scores D.Y., and now we're up three. Even Brad Fullmer gets into the act, but he hits a shot right at, and actually off of, Tim Wakefield, and the pitcher's able to knock it down and toss it to first. And yet again, we're denied of the "BIG inning!" tag, but at least we got Wakefield's pitch count up!!11!

Chad Allen comes up for the pitcher's slot in the bottom of the fifth, and Ankiel passes him over. Oh no. But Johnny Damon follows with a bunt. Quoi? Even if it does get a runner in scoring position, you're down three. That makes as much sense as bunting in the first inning. (Hi Dusty!) And sure enough, the stat-savvy gods frown down on Mr. Francona's behavior, helping Julio Lugo make a backhanded stop of a hard-hit Bill Mueller shot to get out number two and forcing Kevin Millar's swing just a few inches up so he tops a fat pitch right back to Ankiel, ending the inning. The newest Disney blockbuster...Statheadzz In The Infield Grass?

Bartolome Fortunato may have a great name, but after he sets us down in the sixth, I'm just left wondering how he would have fit that in the 'Name' blank on his elementary school math tests. The Other Sox have a bunch of sort-of hitters up in the bottom of the sixth (i.e. the bottom of their lineup), and most of 'em seem to struggle plenty against southpaws, so I leave Ankiel to it. I fret a bit when Scott Spiezio, of all people, leads off with a line drive single to center, but Ankiel sets down Prancing Vance Wilson, Manly Hanley Ramirez, and Nod and Bobby Alomar in order.
It's 4-1 entering the seventh, and Ankiel, hitting .750, is due to lead off. Sure, he can rake, but I won't be tempted. I send Frank Thomas up to hit and while he, Hacktastic Julio, and D.Y. find new, intriguing ways to waste outs, I stare into space, pondering the newfound reality that is this parallel universe. Rick Ankiel. Rick. Ankiel. Wow.

P.J. Bevis is the man on the spot after the Boston substitute for Cotton-Eyed Joe, and he gets an out on a pop-up on the infield, an out on a ground ball on the infield, and the third and final out on a pop-up to the outfield.

Danys "6.80" Baez comes in to face the heart of the order, and by inning's end, he's morphed into Danys "6.64" Baez. No big deal. Six more outs.

I leave Bevis out for the bottom of the eighth with the typical thinking that I'll pull him once someone gets on base. He induces M-Ram to strike out a ground ball right at Brad Fullmer for out number one, but Kevin Millar laces a single over Hacktastic Julio's head and for once, I stick to my word. On comes Kiko Calero, but Nomar Garciaparra, in the Kirk Gibson role (no, not Kurt Russell), bloops a single and suddenly I want to go hide behind Miguel Olivo in the corner of the dugout. Instead, I watch Vance Wilson rap a hard ground ball right at Brad Fullmer. 3-6-3. Double play. Inning over, thanks to the modern day Jack Fournier!

Sensing our opportunity to put the game away, Terry Francona throws his rook down and leaves Baez out to get blasted. R-Vaz leads off with a double into the left-center field nook. Enrique Wilson, Relief Ace follows with a single to right that plates Vazquez, and when the Other Sox can't decide where they want to throw the ball, Enrique takes second, too, sliding in under a late relay. Too bad that doesn't count as a stolen base. Jason LaRue, the pinch-hitting Raul Gonzalez, and Hacktastic Julio go down in order to strand Enrique. I've got a nagging little feeling about that...

But Mike Gallo, who will never have a nickname, gets the first two outs in the bottom of the ninth on four pitches. From there, it's a matter of time, and about four minutes later, time runs out as D.Y. camps under a Michel Hernandez fly ball to end the ballgame. Um, way to go, guys!



CHW 5 BOS 1

WP: R. Ankiel (1-3) - 6 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 3 BB, 3 K, 95 pitches
LP: T. Wakefield (1-2) - 5 IP, 4 H, 4 R, 2 BB, 9 K

Game Ball Goes To... We were no-hit through four innings, and you know who kept us in the game? We scored four in the fifth, and you know who helped us keep the lead?

P.J. Bevis. My man.

Oh...and Rick Ankiel. Wild Thing. Un-freaking-believable. Democracy is truly the noblest export. No hanging chads, hanging curveballs, or hanging nails in this game. Wow.

So, who wants to set the lineup for the next game?