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April 1st, 3005
Excluding atheists, the collective pulse of the world has been rising in anticipation of the 2nd season of the DCL so religious devotees could laud the praises of their icon over all 'pretenders'. Well, the time has come! It will be interesting to see which deities have taken the offseason as a time to work hard and which have decided to rest on their laurels (or bed of fiery pumice). Insight can be gleaned by reviewing the confidential reports each team compiles during spring training. Normally, these reports are unavailable to the public, but we managed to get our grubby little hands on them...here's how they're looking:
The biggest lazy-assed deity through the offseason appears to be Incan God Viracocha. Atlanta scouting reports indicate that the starting catcher and Father of Everything has lost some bat speed, resulting in less contact, developed a habit for striking out more and his plate discipline seems to have faded. He did end Spring Training on a good note, however, as he did show good strike zone judgement a few days later. He showed up to camp 25 pounds heavier than his normal playing weight. Viracocha attributed it to water weight from residing at the sandy bed of Lake Titicaca and assured his fans and followers that he was a brand new feathered serpent god.
Confucius seems to have taken his World Series loss negatively, as he and Aztec God Ometeotl have lost some bat speed and seem to be striking out more. Both deities, however, have shown good strike zone judgement.
Spring Training appeared to be Good Strike Zone Judgement Day for a large number of our deities, as Siddhartha Guatama, Jupiter, Enlil, Vishnu, Bondje, Altjira, Guru Nahak, Awonawilona, Apsu, Tekkeitsertok, Khonvoum and Hunab Ku all showed good strike zone judgement during spring training.
As for the deities who remained Status Quo and showed no decrease or increase in abilities during the spring - Reigning MVPs uKqili and Odin, Mohammed, Abraham, Anu, Lao-tzu, A Thetan, Zeus, Jesus Christ, Satan and Ra - we'll see if they regret not putting more effort into their offseason workouts and training regimens. "I'm not even the slightest bit concerned," noted Orlando CF Satan squeezing what appeared to be a stress ball, but turned out to be Brittney Spears' severed left breast, "I did some fishing and played some golf and really took the time to find myself...besides, I've been drinking twice as much blood of the wicked over the past couple months, so I'm ready to go out there and do my thing."
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