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enigk · 10-01-2004, 06:46 PM

ALL-STAR GAME - JULY 1st, 3005

It's All-Star time again in the DCL! Last year, 4 deities failed to garner enough All-Star votes to make the squad - this year the deities have fared a little better as 3 of the 26 have not made the cut, including Awonawilona who is out 4 weeks with a pulled calf muscle. Sumerian God Enlil gets snubbed for the 2nd year in a row despite posting a quite respectable .469 / 36 HR / 91 RBI. Enlil was frustrated at not making the squad, but was gracious and calm in an interview when he heard the news. "Yeah, I'll be honest, it sucks," declared Enlil, "But what are you going to do? It just happens that 4 of the deity catchers are in the UL...and while we can play any position better than any mere mortal, the balloting is limited to our primary position...I've just got to outperform all of the other UL catchers next year...or switch to 1B...what a cupcake position *that* is..."

Also snubbed for the 2nd year in a row is Sikhism icon and New Orleans Catcher Guru Nahak. Nahak had the weakest numbers at the All-Star break last year, but has fared much better this year, posting a .427 / 40 HR / 77 RBI for the first half of the season. Nahak was considerably more upset than Enlil - "I'm hitting .427..." Nahak fumed, "Abraham? .386! Look at the numbers! Me? 40 HRs. Him? 28! It's ridiculous! I don't know who's f***ing d*ck *he's* polishing..." Guru Nahak then proceeded on a profanity-laced tirade only achievable by someone from a higher plane, causing several nearby children to burst into flames.

All Snubbing and Profanitizing aside, last year's All-Star Game will be tough to top as it came down to the bottom of the 9th, featured several defensive gems by our deities and included an inside the park home run. But, if any group of players is capable of performing miracles - this is most certainly it. Here's how the lineups shake out:

UL's Starting Line-Up
1.) 3B Odin (.491 / 40 HR / 91 RBI)
2.) LF Lao-tzu (.494 / 31 HR / 79 RBI)
3.) SS Hunab Ku (.504 / 49 HR / 104 RBI)
4.) RF Zeus (.491 / 41 HR / 116 RBI)
5.) 1B Vishnu (.469 / 42 HR / 104 RBI)
6.) C Ometeotl (.429 / 32 HR / 79 RBI)
7.) 2B Ra (.417 / 42 HR / 93 RBI)
8.) CF Mohammed (.414 / 42 HR / 95 RBI)
9.) P. Russell Miller (9-4 / 3.84 ERA / 148 Ks)

CL's Starting Line-Up
1.) C Viracocha (.457 / 38 HR / 78 RBI)
2.) SS Sidhartha Guatama (.507 / 42 HR / 100 RBI)
3.) 1B uKqili (.489 / 48 HR / 98 RBI)
4.) LF A Thetan (.414 / 36 HR / 85 RBI)
5.) 3B Jesus Christ (.453 / 35 HR / 88 RBI)
6.) RF Satan (.442 / 45 HR / 88 RBI)
7.) 2B Confucius (.442 / 40 HR / 93 RBI)
8.) CF Tekkeitsertok (.453 / 43 HR / 103 RBI)
9.) P Warren Lyon (7-5 / 3.65 ERA / 92 Ks)

GAME RECAP

Top of the 1st - Odin gets the ball rolling quickly for the UL as he cuts the first pitch of the game into the right field corner for a triple. Lao-tzu followed with a Sac Fly to deep left-center, scoring Odin from 3rd and getting UL on the board. Hunab Ku lazily flew out to A Thetan in left for the 2nd out. Zeus strode confidently to the plate and took a mean cut at a 1-2 Knuckleball, but missed for the strikeout to end the inning. Zeus immediately broke the bat in half over his knee and launched an enormous lightning bolt, leveling the forest from which the bat originated.

UL 1 / CL 0

Bottom of the 1st - Viracocha started things off for the CL by fouling off a number of pitches before driving one right at Odin at 3B. Odin nicely gloved the line drive for the first out. Siddhartha Guatama got his first All-Star at bat and worked the count full. He fouled off a number of pitches, including one that sailed just foul down the left field line that landed in the middle deck. Finally, he grounded a meek two hopper to Vishnu at first for the second out. uKqili cut at the first pitch he saw and grounded it to Hunab Ku at SS who fired it to Vishnu for the 3rd out.

UL 1 / CL 0

Top of the 2nd - Vishnu stepped to the plate for the UL in the top of the 2nd and rocked a 2-0 Knuckleball over CF Tekkeitsertok's head for a stand-up double. Ometeotl followed by working the count full and drawing the walk, putting men on 1st and 2nd with no outs. Ra expanded the UL's lead with an RBI double into the left center field gap, scoring Vishnu from 2nd and putting men on 2nd and 3rd with no outs. Mohammed followed with a 2 RBI triple down the first base line. Mortal pitcher Russell Miller followed with a weak fly ball out to short center field, not deep enough to score Mohammed from 3rd. With one out and a runner on 3rd, Odin drew the walk to put men on the corners. Lao-tzu followed with a fly ball to left that was easily gloved by A Thetan, but was deep enough to score Mohammed from 3rd with no throw. Hunab Ku followed with a walk which brought up Zeus again. Zeus crushed a 2-2 pitch down the right field line but threw his hands in the air in disgust as it sailed just foul. The next pitch Zeus saw, he demolished to right field for a 3 run Home Run, giving the UL an 8-0 lead. Vishnu followed with a ground out to short, stopping the bleeding.

UL 8 / CL 0

Bottom of the 2nd - A Thetan continued the CL's lackluster offense by grounding out to 2nd for the 1st out. Jesus Christ followed by pulling the first pitch he saw into the Right-Center gap, for a stand-up double - CL's first hit of the game. Satan followed by hammering a 0-1 Screwball 458 feet into the right field seats for a 2 run Home Run, putting the CL on the board and cutting the lead to 6. Confucius followed with a ground out to shortstop, for the 2nd out. Last year's All-Star MVP Tekkeitsertok followed and drew the walk. Apsu pinch-hit for mortal pitcher Warren Lyon and drove one to deep right field that just cleared the wall and Zeus' glove for a 2 run Home Run, cutting the lead to 4. Viracocha continued the inning by drawing a walk. Siddhartha Guatama couldn't keep the inning alive, however, as he flew out to right, ending the inning.

UL 8 / CL 4

Top of the 3rd - CL pitcher and puny human Samual Sorensen took the mound, replacing the ineffective Warren Lyon and retired Ometeotl on a lazy fly ball to center field. Egyptian Sun God Ra followed with an easy ground ball to third, which Jesus Christ easily scooped and fired to first for the second out of the inning. Mohammed, who had tripled in his first at-bat, came to the plate and massaged a full count, but then got caught sleeping as a 3-2 Splitter sailed right down the heart of the plate for the strikeout.

UL 8 / CL 4

Bottom of the 3rd - uKqili led off the inning by ripping a 2-2 pitch past a diving 1B Vishnu and into the right field corner. Zeus' throw was close from RF, but uKqili just beat the tag for a lead-off triple. A Thetan followed and bounced a dribbler to the pitcher which was fielded easily for the first out. Jesus crushed a 3-2 Slider down the right field line, but it sailed just foul. He followed by popping the next pitch into shallow center field, which Mohammed easily gloved. With 2 outs and a runner on 3rd, Satan strode to the plate, having already homered once. He worked the count full but his wrists turned on a checked swing for the strikeout to end the inning, stranding uKqili at 3rd.

UL 8 / CL 4

Top of the 4th - The UL All-Stars interestingly let mortal pitcher Russell Miller bat to lead off the 4th, and he responded by popping out to the catcher, Viracocha, for the 1st out of the inning. Odin followed by blistering a single into left field. Lao-tzu bounced one to the right side which CL 2B Confucius bare-handed and snapped to first, just beating the Taoism icon to the bag for the second out. With Odin on 2nd and 2 outs, Hunab Ku came to the plate and dropped a 1-1 pitch just in front of Satan in right field for an RBI single, scoring Odin from 2nd. Zeus followed with a hot ground ball that just avoided a diving Confucius' glove at 2B to put runners on the corners with 2 out. Vishnu watched the first pitch sail past for a ball as Zeus successfully stole second. Vishnu had a hitter's count at 3-1, but could only manage a soft fly ball to Satan in RF for the 3rd out.

UL 9 / CL 4

Bottom of the 4th - Mortal Walter Venezia replaced Russell Miller on the mound to start the bottom half of the 4th. Confucius welcomed him to the game by dribbling a weak ground ball towards second base which Ra bare-handed and fired to first, but it was not in time. Tekkeitsertok was next in line and he worked the count full - fouling off a number of pitches, including a blast down the right field line that just hooked foul. After fouling off a couple more pitches, mortal Pitcher Walter Venezia turned and fired to Vishnu at first who tagged Confucius before he could get back to the bag. Confucius was livid and was almost thrown from the game as he screamed at the umpire that Venezia had balked. Confucius was very lucky that the umpire of tonight's game was John Rocker IV as he could easily be heard screaming: "Confucius say: SUCK MY F***ING D**K, YOU MOTHER F***ER!!!". Tekkeitsertok was able to calm Confucius through a magical enchantment and Confucius calmly walked back to the dugout. So, now with one out and no one on, Tekkeitsertok blasted the next pitch he saw to deep left center for a solo Home Run. Abraham pinch-hit for the mortal pitcher and skied a ball to center field which Mohammed easily grabbed for the 2nd out. Viracocha then came to the plate and bounced out to 2nd for the last out of the inning.

UL 9 / CL 5

Top of the 5th - Bill Richie came in to pitch for the CL and retired Ometeotl with a simple fly ball to right. Ra drew the walk to put a runner on first with one out. Mohammed followed by first-pitch-swinging into the 4-6-3 double play to end the inning.

UL 9 / CL 5

Bottom of the 5th - Siddhartha Guatama's woes at the plate continued as he grounded out to 2nd bringing him to 0 for 3 on the night. uKqili followed with a walk. A Thetan was next up and watched as the UL squad pitched out on the first pitch and Ometeotl gunned down uKqili who was trying to steal second. Scientology fans finally could cheer as A Thetan got his first All-Star hit, an infield single to second base. Jesus Christ was next up and smashed one up the middle, but a diving Ra just gloved it and flipped it to 2nd to end the inning.

UL 9 / CL 5

Top of the 6th - The UL continued to let their pitchers bat as Walter Venezia struck out to start off the 6th. Odin got his 3rd hit in 3 ABs as he drilled a 3-2 pitch over the wall in right-center field to grow the lead to 5. Lao-tzu shot one between third and short which Siddhartha Guatama somehow managed to corral and fire to first for the out. Khonvoum came in to pinch-hit for Hunab Ku and watched ball 4 sail just off the outside corner. Irish deity Anu pinch-hit for Zeus and took the first pitch for a strike as Khonvoum stole second. Anu fouled off a number of pitches and eventually drew the walk, putting men on 1st and 2nd with 2 out. Altjira pinch-hit for Vishnu next and lined a 2-1 pitch into the right field corner for a 2 RBI triple, increasing the UL's lead to 7. Aztec God Ometeotl was pinch-hit for by mortal Connie Kerry, who doubled just past a quickly moving A Thetan for the RBI double. The CL made an overdue pitching change, which worked to their advantage as Ra skied one to left which A Thetan pinched to stop the bleeding.

UL 13 / CL 5

Bottom of the 6th - As the UL sent a new pitcher to the mound, Satan's night was finished at 1 for 2 with a HR, as he was pinch-hit for by mortal Chadwick Isabel. Isabel grounded out to Altjira at shortstop for the 1st out. Confucius stayed in the game and drove a liner over Odin's glove at 3rd for a one-out double. Tekkeitsertok followed with a grounder to third. Odin looked Confucius back to second and then fired to first for the second out. Mortal Charles Melton pinch-hit for the pitcher and drove one over the right-center field wall for a 2 run Homer, dropping the lead to 6. Viracocha remained offensively impotent as he flew out to Mohammed in CF, bringing him to 0 for 3 on the day.

UL 13 / CL 7

Top of the 7th - A new pitcher for the CL took the mound and Mohammed welcomed him to the game by crushing a 1-1 pitch over the left field wall for the solo HR. Mortal Ryan Demasi pinch-hit for the UL pitcher and struck out looking on 3 pitches. Odin was retired for the first time on the night as he bounced out to Jesus Christ at third for the 2nd out. Lao-tzu remained hitless as he flew out to A Thetan in left for the third out.

UL 14 / CL 7

Bottom of the 7th - Following a 7th inning stretch which featured Harry Caray VII singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", UL brought in a new pitcher as the home crowd tried to energize their trailing CL All-Star team. Siddhartha Guatama rocketed a ground ball up the middle which Ra managed to nab, but there was no throw - giving Guatama the infield single. In what atheists around the world are calling a coincidence, uKqili drove a ball to deep left center that took a funny hop - when the dust cleared, uKqili had a 2 run *Inside the Park Home Run*! With the lead cut to 5 and the momentum swaying, A Thetan hovered to the plate to his regular music of "She Blinded Me With Science" and lined a 1-1 pitch down the right field line which Jupiter played very well to hold him to a single. Jesus Christ stood by and watched the first pitch sail past for a called strike as A Thetan stole second. Christ took the walk as the crowd roared. Voodoo god Bondje was next up and he walked on 4 pitches, bringing a visit to the mound and a deafening cheer from the crowd. With the bases loaded and no outs, the UL Coach left in their pitcher to face Confucius who was 2 for 3 on the night. Confucius fouled a couple pitches off which just made the stands and then checked his swing for Ball 4, forcing home A Thetan from 3rd and cutting the lead to 4. Inuit deity Tekkeitsertok worked the count full and hit a fly ball into center field for the first out, but was deep enough to score a tagging Jesus from 3rd, cutting the lead to 3. The UL countered with a pitching change and the CL's pinch hit mortal Angel Loera for their pitcher. Loera swung at a 1-1 pitch and flied out easily to Lao-tzu in left for the second out. With 2 out and runners on 1st and 2nd, the CL pinch hit for Incan icon Viracocha (who was 0 for 3) with mortal Emanuel Laroche. Laroche worked the count full, but then popped out to Ra at second to end the inning.

UL 14 / CL 11

Top of the 8th - Mortal Bart Ivers (1.57 ERA / 17 Saves) took the mound for the CL and Khonvoum led things off with a groundout to short. Irish deity Anu was next and popped up a 3-0 pitch to Jesus Christ at 3rd for the 2nd out. Aboriginal deity Altjira followed with a line-drive single to right field. Jupiter took the first pitch for a ball as Altjira easily stole 2nd base. Jupiter's jaw dropped in disbelief as a 3-2 pitch he thought was clearly outside was called for the third strike to end the inning.

UL 14 / CL 11

Bottom of the 8th - The Buddhist Bomber, Siddhartha Guatama, made an already frenzied crowd happier as he led off the CL half of the inning with a double down the first base line, just past an outstretched Anu. The UL countered with a pitching change, but uKqili drew the walk to put runners on first and second with no outs. A Thetan was next up and skied an 0-2 pitch down the left field line that *just* hooked foul. The UL pitcher was obviously shaken as his next 4 pitches were balls, loading the bases with no one out as the crowd reveled. Jesus Christ strode to the plate, representing ultimate compassion as well as the go-ahead run. The ground absolutely shook as Jesus absolutely crucified the hell out of a 2-1 Slider, which easily cleared the wall in right-center for a GRAND SLAM, giving the CL their first lead of the game! The crowd could be heard miles away as the PA system blared that: "DAA NAA NAA NAA NA NA NA! HEY!" song. The UL left in their pitcher which proved a costly error as Bondje followed by blasting an 0-1 pitch for a 428 foot shot over the left field wall to give the CL All-Stars a 2 run lead. The UL showed tremendous patience and forgiveness as they left in a visibly shaken James Cheshire, who had retired no one, walked 2 and gave up two home runs. Confucius followed with a walk. Tekkeitsertok took the first pitch for a ball as Confucius easily stole second. Cheshire was finally able to record an out as Tekkeitsertok flew out to CF for the first out of the inning. The CL let mortal pitcher Bart Ivers step to the plate and he grounded out to 3rd base. With Confucius on 2nd, 2 out and the crowd only slightly quieting, Emanuel Laroche drove one to deep center that was corralled at the track by Mohammed, putting an end to the 8th.

UL 14 / CL 16

Top of the 9th - It was do or die time for the UL and they decided to pinch hit for Ra with mortal Frederick Miller. Miller flew a 1-0 pitch into Center Field which Tekkeitsertok easily squeezed for the first out. With only two outs left to burn, Mohammed strode to the plate and doubled down the right field line, just beating the throw from Bondje. The UL had exhausted their batters, so pitcher James Cheshire walked to the plate as the tying run with one out and a runner on 2nd. Cheshire struck out swinging on 3 pitches and the crowd all stood and cheered as they were one out away from the victory. Norse God and 3004 MVP Odin strode to the plate, already 3 for 4 with a home run. Mortal CL pitcher Bart Ivers did not flinch in the slightest and he worked the count to 2-2. Absolute bedlam swept the fans and the players on the field as Ivers hurled a beautiful fastball that just nipped the corner of the plate, sitting Odin down and sealing the come from behind victory for the CL.

FINAL SCORE: UL 14 / CL 16

So, the CL wins an absolutely fantastic game - their 2nd All-Star game win. Jesus Christ was elated to find that he was named the All-Star Game MVP as he goes 2-4 with a double, 3 runs scored and the 4 RBI from the Grand Slam that gave the CL All-Stars the lead. "I'm elated," noted an elated Jesus Christ, "I couldn't be happier right now. Keep your frankencense and myrrh, man, this was one hell of a gift right here. We must give plenty of respect to the UL All-Stars as well - they played a great game." All-Star Teammate and Father of All Lies, Satan, then gave Jesus a high-five and a hug.

UL Closer James Cheshire was considerably distraught after the game. "I know I blew this one," declared Cheshire, "But I can't believe how petty some of these deities are. I already feel terrible enough as it is and, now, I've got some really strange lumps rising out of my genitalia. This salt in the wound crap really has to go..."

Just when I thought last year's All-Star Contest couldn't be topped, this year's game sets the bar even higher. Another inside the park home run and a tremendous bit of clutch hitting from Jesus Christ accomplishes the come from behind win which the UL couldn't manage to pull off last year.

10-01-2004, 06:46 PM	#41 (permalink)
enigk Minors (Double A) Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 116	ALL-STAR GAME - JULY 1st, 3005 It's All-Star time again in the DCL! Last year, 4 deities failed to garner enough All-Star votes to make the squad - this year the deities have fared a little better as 3 of the 26 have not made the cut, including Awonawilona who is out 4 weeks with a pulled calf muscle. Sumerian God Enlil gets snubbed for the 2nd year in a row despite posting a quite respectable .469 / 36 HR / 91 RBI. Enlil was frustrated at not making the squad, but was gracious and calm in an interview when he heard the news. "Yeah, I'll be honest, it sucks," declared Enlil, "But what are you going to do? It just happens that 4 of the deity catchers are in the UL...and while we can play any position better than any mere mortal, the balloting is limited to our primary position...I've just got to outperform all of the other UL catchers next year...or switch to 1B...what a cupcake position that is..." Also snubbed for the 2nd year in a row is Sikhism icon and New Orleans Catcher Guru Nahak. Nahak had the weakest numbers at the All-Star break last year, but has fared much better this year, posting a .427 / 40 HR / 77 RBI for the first half of the season. Nahak was considerably more upset than Enlil - "I'm hitting .427..." Nahak fumed, "Abraham? .386! Look at the numbers! Me? 40 HRs. Him? 28! It's ridiculous! I don't know who's f**ing dck he's polishing..." Guru Nahak then proceeded on a profanity-laced tirade only achievable by someone from a higher plane, causing several nearby children to burst into flames. All Snubbing and Profanitizing aside, last year's All-Star Game will be tough to top as it came down to the bottom of the 9th, featured several defensive gems by our deities and included an inside the park home run. But, if any group of players is capable of performing miracles - this is most certainly it. Here's how the lineups shake out: UL's Starting Line-Up 1.) 3B Odin (.491 / 40 HR / 91 RBI) 2.) LF Lao-tzu (.494 / 31 HR / 79 RBI) 3.) SS Hunab Ku (.504 / 49 HR / 104 RBI) 4.) RF Zeus (.491 / 41 HR / 116 RBI) 5.) 1B Vishnu (.469 / 42 HR / 104 RBI) 6.) C Ometeotl (.429 / 32 HR / 79 RBI) 7.) 2B Ra (.417 / 42 HR / 93 RBI) 8.) CF Mohammed (.414 / 42 HR / 95 RBI) 9.) P. Russell Miller (9-4 / 3.84 ERA / 148 Ks) CL's Starting Line-Up 1.) C Viracocha (.457 / 38 HR / 78 RBI) 2.) SS Sidhartha Guatama (.507 / 42 HR / 100 RBI) 3.) 1B uKqili (.489 / 48 HR / 98 RBI) 4.) LF A Thetan (.414 / 36 HR / 85 RBI) 5.) 3B Jesus Christ (.453 / 35 HR / 88 RBI) 6.) RF Satan (.442 / 45 HR / 88 RBI) 7.) 2B Confucius (.442 / 40 HR / 93 RBI) 8.) CF Tekkeitsertok (.453 / 43 HR / 103 RBI) 9.) P Warren Lyon (7-5 / 3.65 ERA / 92 Ks) GAME RECAP Top of the 1st - Odin gets the ball rolling quickly for the UL as he cuts the first pitch of the game into the right field corner for a triple. Lao-tzu followed with a Sac Fly to deep left-center, scoring Odin from 3rd and getting UL on the board. Hunab Ku lazily flew out to A Thetan in left for the 2nd out. Zeus strode confidently to the plate and took a mean cut at a 1-2 Knuckleball, but missed for the strikeout to end the inning. Zeus immediately broke the bat in half over his knee and launched an enormous lightning bolt, leveling the forest from which the bat originated. UL 1 / CL 0 Bottom of the 1st - Viracocha started things off for the CL by fouling off a number of pitches before driving one right at Odin at 3B. Odin nicely gloved the line drive for the first out. Siddhartha Guatama got his first All-Star at bat and worked the count full. He fouled off a number of pitches, including one that sailed just foul down the left field line that landed in the middle deck. Finally, he grounded a meek two hopper to Vishnu at first for the second out. uKqili cut at the first pitch he saw and grounded it to Hunab Ku at SS who fired it to Vishnu for the 3rd out. UL 1 / CL 0 Top of the 2nd - Vishnu stepped to the plate for the UL in the top of the 2nd and rocked a 2-0 Knuckleball over CF Tekkeitsertok's head for a stand-up double. Ometeotl followed by working the count full and drawing the walk, putting men on 1st and 2nd with no outs. Ra expanded the UL's lead with an RBI double into the left center field gap, scoring Vishnu from 2nd and putting men on 2nd and 3rd with no outs. Mohammed followed with a 2 RBI triple down the first base line. Mortal pitcher Russell Miller followed with a weak fly ball out to short center field, not deep enough to score Mohammed from 3rd. With one out and a runner on 3rd, Odin drew the walk to put men on the corners. Lao-tzu followed with a fly ball to left that was easily gloved by A Thetan, but was deep enough to score Mohammed from 3rd with no throw. Hunab Ku followed with a walk which brought up Zeus again. Zeus crushed a 2-2 pitch down the right field line but threw his hands in the air in disgust as it sailed just foul. The next pitch Zeus saw, he demolished to right field for a 3 run Home Run, giving the UL an 8-0 lead. Vishnu followed with a ground out to short, stopping the bleeding. UL 8 / CL 0 Bottom of the 2nd - A Thetan continued the CL's lackluster offense by grounding out to 2nd for the 1st out. Jesus Christ followed by pulling the first pitch he saw into the Right-Center gap, for a stand-up double - CL's first hit of the game. Satan followed by hammering a 0-1 Screwball 458 feet into the right field seats for a 2 run Home Run, putting the CL on the board and cutting the lead to 6. Confucius followed with a ground out to shortstop, for the 2nd out. Last year's All-Star MVP Tekkeitsertok followed and drew the walk. Apsu pinch-hit for mortal pitcher Warren Lyon and drove one to deep right field that just cleared the wall and Zeus' glove for a 2 run Home Run, cutting the lead to 4. Viracocha continued the inning by drawing a walk. Siddhartha Guatama couldn't keep the inning alive, however, as he flew out to right, ending the inning. UL 8 / CL 4 Top of the 3rd - CL pitcher and puny human Samual Sorensen took the mound, replacing the ineffective Warren Lyon and retired Ometeotl on a lazy fly ball to center field. Egyptian Sun God Ra followed with an easy ground ball to third, which Jesus Christ easily scooped and fired to first for the second out of the inning. Mohammed, who had tripled in his first at-bat, came to the plate and massaged a full count, but then got caught sleeping as a 3-2 Splitter sailed right down the heart of the plate for the strikeout. UL 8 / CL 4 Bottom of the 3rd - uKqili led off the inning by ripping a 2-2 pitch past a diving 1B Vishnu and into the right field corner. Zeus' throw was close from RF, but uKqili just beat the tag for a lead-off triple. A Thetan followed and bounced a dribbler to the pitcher which was fielded easily for the first out. Jesus crushed a 3-2 Slider down the right field line, but it sailed just foul. He followed by popping the next pitch into shallow center field, which Mohammed easily gloved. With 2 outs and a runner on 3rd, Satan strode to the plate, having already homered once. He worked the count full but his wrists turned on a checked swing for the strikeout to end the inning, stranding uKqili at 3rd. UL 8 / CL 4 Top of the 4th - The UL All-Stars interestingly let mortal pitcher Russell Miller bat to lead off the 4th, and he responded by popping out to the catcher, Viracocha, for the 1st out of the inning. Odin followed by blistering a single into left field. Lao-tzu bounced one to the right side which CL 2B Confucius bare-handed and snapped to first, just beating the Taoism icon to the bag for the second out. With Odin on 2nd and 2 outs, Hunab Ku came to the plate and dropped a 1-1 pitch just in front of Satan in right field for an RBI single, scoring Odin from 2nd. Zeus followed with a hot ground ball that just avoided a diving Confucius' glove at 2B to put runners on the corners with 2 out. Vishnu watched the first pitch sail past for a ball as Zeus successfully stole second. Vishnu had a hitter's count at 3-1, but could only manage a soft fly ball to Satan in RF for the 3rd out. UL 9 / CL 4 Bottom of the 4th - Mortal Walter Venezia replaced Russell Miller on the mound to start the bottom half of the 4th. Confucius welcomed him to the game by dribbling a weak ground ball towards second base which Ra bare-handed and fired to first, but it was not in time. Tekkeitsertok was next in line and he worked the count full - fouling off a number of pitches, including a blast down the right field line that just hooked foul. After fouling off a couple more pitches, mortal Pitcher Walter Venezia turned and fired to Vishnu at first who tagged Confucius before he could get back to the bag. Confucius was livid and was almost thrown from the game as he screamed at the umpire that Venezia had balked. Confucius was very lucky that the umpire of tonight's game was John Rocker IV as he could easily be heard screaming: "Confucius say: SUCK MY F*ING DK, YOU MOTHER F**ER!!!". Tekkeitsertok was able to calm Confucius through a magical enchantment and Confucius calmly walked back to the dugout. So, now with one out and no one on, Tekkeitsertok blasted the next pitch he saw to deep left center for a solo Home Run. Abraham pinch-hit for the mortal pitcher and skied a ball to center field which Mohammed easily grabbed for the 2nd out. Viracocha then came to the plate and bounced out to 2nd for the last out of the inning. UL 9 / CL 5 Top of the 5th - Bill Richie came in to pitch for the CL and retired Ometeotl with a simple fly ball to right. Ra drew the walk to put a runner on first with one out. Mohammed followed by first-pitch-swinging into the 4-6-3 double play to end the inning. UL 9 / CL 5 Bottom of the 5th - Siddhartha Guatama's woes at the plate continued as he grounded out to 2nd bringing him to 0 for 3 on the night. uKqili followed with a walk. A Thetan was next up and watched as the UL squad pitched out on the first pitch and Ometeotl gunned down uKqili who was trying to steal second. Scientology fans finally could cheer as A Thetan got his first All-Star hit, an infield single to second base. Jesus Christ was next up and smashed one up the middle, but a diving Ra just gloved it and flipped it to 2nd to end the inning. UL 9 / CL 5 Top of the 6th - The UL continued to let their pitchers bat as Walter Venezia struck out to start off the 6th. Odin got his 3rd hit in 3 ABs as he drilled a 3-2 pitch over the wall in right-center field to grow the lead to 5. Lao-tzu shot one between third and short which Siddhartha Guatama somehow managed to corral and fire to first for the out. Khonvoum came in to pinch-hit for Hunab Ku and watched ball 4 sail just off the outside corner. Irish deity Anu pinch-hit for Zeus and took the first pitch for a strike as Khonvoum stole second. Anu fouled off a number of pitches and eventually drew the walk, putting men on 1st and 2nd with 2 out. Altjira pinch-hit for Vishnu next and lined a 2-1 pitch into the right field corner for a 2 RBI triple, increasing the UL's lead to 7. Aztec God Ometeotl was pinch-hit for by mortal Connie Kerry, who doubled just past a quickly moving A Thetan for the RBI double. The CL made an overdue pitching change, which worked to their advantage as Ra skied one to left which A Thetan pinched to stop the bleeding. UL 13 / CL 5 Bottom of the 6th - As the UL sent a new pitcher to the mound, Satan's night was finished at 1 for 2 with a HR, as he was pinch-hit for by mortal Chadwick Isabel. Isabel grounded out to Altjira at shortstop for the 1st out. Confucius stayed in the game and drove a liner over Odin's glove at 3rd for a one-out double. Tekkeitsertok followed with a grounder to third. Odin looked Confucius back to second and then fired to first for the second out. Mortal Charles Melton pinch-hit for the pitcher and drove one over the right-center field wall for a 2 run Homer, dropping the lead to 6. Viracocha remained offensively impotent as he flew out to Mohammed in CF, bringing him to 0 for 3 on the day. UL 13 / CL 7 Top of the 7th - A new pitcher for the CL took the mound and Mohammed welcomed him to the game by crushing a 1-1 pitch over the left field wall for the solo HR. Mortal Ryan Demasi pinch-hit for the UL pitcher and struck out looking on 3 pitches. Odin was retired for the first time on the night as he bounced out to Jesus Christ at third for the 2nd out. Lao-tzu remained hitless as he flew out to A Thetan in left for the third out. UL 14 / CL 7 Bottom of the 7th - Following a 7th inning stretch which featured Harry Caray VII singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", UL brought in a new pitcher as the home crowd tried to energize their trailing CL All-Star team. Siddhartha Guatama rocketed a ground ball up the middle which Ra managed to nab, but there was no throw - giving Guatama the infield single. In what atheists around the world are calling a coincidence, uKqili drove a ball to deep left center that took a funny hop - when the dust cleared, uKqili had a 2 run Inside the Park Home Run! With the lead cut to 5 and the momentum swaying, A Thetan hovered to the plate to his regular music of "She Blinded Me With Science" and lined a 1-1 pitch down the right field line which Jupiter played very well to hold him to a single. Jesus Christ stood by and watched the first pitch sail past for a called strike as A Thetan stole second. Christ took the walk as the crowd roared. Voodoo god Bondje was next up and he walked on 4 pitches, bringing a visit to the mound and a deafening cheer from the crowd. With the bases loaded and no outs, the UL Coach left in their pitcher to face Confucius who was 2 for 3 on the night. Confucius fouled a couple pitches off which just made the stands and then checked his swing for Ball 4, forcing home A Thetan from 3rd and cutting the lead to 4. Inuit deity Tekkeitsertok worked the count full and hit a fly ball into center field for the first out, but was deep enough to score a tagging Jesus from 3rd, cutting the lead to 3. The UL countered with a pitching change and the CL's pinch hit mortal Angel Loera for their pitcher. Loera swung at a 1-1 pitch and flied out easily to Lao-tzu in left for the second out. With 2 out and runners on 1st and 2nd, the CL pinch hit for Incan icon Viracocha (who was 0 for 3) with mortal Emanuel Laroche. Laroche worked the count full, but then popped out to Ra at second to end the inning. UL 14 / CL 11 Top of the 8th - Mortal Bart Ivers (1.57 ERA / 17 Saves) took the mound for the CL and Khonvoum led things off with a groundout to short. Irish deity Anu was next and popped up a 3-0 pitch to Jesus Christ at 3rd for the 2nd out. Aboriginal deity Altjira followed with a line-drive single to right field. Jupiter took the first pitch for a ball as Altjira easily stole 2nd base. Jupiter's jaw dropped in disbelief as a 3-2 pitch he thought was clearly outside was called for the third strike to end the inning. UL 14 / CL 11 Bottom of the 8th - The Buddhist Bomber, Siddhartha Guatama, made an already frenzied crowd happier as he led off the CL half of the inning with a double down the first base line, just past an outstretched Anu. The UL countered with a pitching change, but uKqili drew the walk to put runners on first and second with no outs. A Thetan was next up and skied an 0-2 pitch down the left field line that just* hooked foul. The UL pitcher was obviously shaken as his next 4 pitches were balls, loading the bases with no one out as the crowd reveled. Jesus Christ strode to the plate, representing ultimate compassion as well as the go-ahead run. The ground absolutely shook as Jesus absolutely crucified the hell out of a 2-1 Slider, which easily cleared the wall in right-center for a GRAND SLAM, giving the CL their first lead of the game! The crowd could be heard miles away as the PA system blared that: "DAA NAA NAA NAA NA NA NA! HEY!" song. The UL left in their pitcher which proved a costly error as Bondje followed by blasting an 0-1 pitch for a 428 foot shot over the left field wall to give the CL All-Stars a 2 run lead. The UL showed tremendous patience and forgiveness as they left in a visibly shaken James Cheshire, who had retired no one, walked 2 and gave up two home runs. Confucius followed with a walk. Tekkeitsertok took the first pitch for a ball as Confucius easily stole second. Cheshire was finally able to record an out as Tekkeitsertok flew out to CF for the first out of the inning. The CL let mortal pitcher Bart Ivers step to the plate and he grounded out to 3rd base. With Confucius on 2nd, 2 out and the crowd only slightly quieting, Emanuel Laroche drove one to deep center that was corralled at the track by Mohammed, putting an end to the 8th. UL 14 / CL 16 Top of the 9th - It was do or die time for the UL and they decided to pinch hit for Ra with mortal Frederick Miller. Miller flew a 1-0 pitch into Center Field which Tekkeitsertok easily squeezed for the first out. With only two outs left to burn, Mohammed strode to the plate and doubled down the right field line, just beating the throw from Bondje. The UL had exhausted their batters, so pitcher James Cheshire walked to the plate as the tying run with one out and a runner on 2nd. Cheshire struck out swinging on 3 pitches and the crowd all stood and cheered as they were one out away from the victory. Norse God and 3004 MVP Odin strode to the plate, already 3 for 4 with a home run. Mortal CL pitcher Bart Ivers did not flinch in the slightest and he worked the count to 2-2. Absolute bedlam swept the fans and the players on the field as Ivers hurled a beautiful fastball that just nipped the corner of the plate, sitting Odin down and sealing the come from behind victory for the CL. FINAL SCORE: UL 14 / CL 16 So, the CL wins an absolutely fantastic game - their 2nd All-Star game win. Jesus Christ was elated to find that he was named the All-Star Game MVP as he goes 2-4 with a double, 3 runs scored and the 4 RBI from the Grand Slam that gave the CL All-Stars the lead. "I'm elated," noted an elated Jesus Christ, "I couldn't be happier right now. Keep your frankencense and myrrh, man, this was one hell of a gift right here. We must give plenty of respect to the UL All-Stars as well - they played a great game." All-Star Teammate and Father of All Lies, Satan, then gave Jesus a high-five and a hug. UL Closer James Cheshire was considerably distraught after the game. "I know I blew this one," declared Cheshire, "But I can't believe how petty some of these deities are. I already feel terrible enough as it is and, now, I've got some really strange lumps rising out of my genitalia. This salt in the wound crap really has to go..." Just when I thought last year's All-Star Contest couldn't be topped, this year's game sets the bar even higher. Another inside the park home run and a tremendous bit of clutch hitting from Jesus Christ accomplishes the come from behind win which the UL couldn't manage to pull off last year.