[enigk]

August 1st, 3009

The big story at the beginning of August is the resigning of a vast majority of the deities. 19 of the 26 deities were signed to 6-year extensions with their current teams, details listed below. The seven deities not resigned (as of yet): Seattle's RF Siddhartha Guatama, Little Rock's LF Zeus, Raleigh's 1B Ra, Orlando CF Satan, El Paso RF Anu, Lewiston C Altjira and Cincinnati C Jupiter. Even players who would not have become free agents at the end of the year due to extended DL time (Khonvoum and Bondje) were resigned out of acts of loyalty or, possibly, violent threats. It will be interesting to see if these 7 deities are signed to extensions or are cast off to sign elsewhere.

Babylonian God and Oklahoma City SS Apsu received the biggest increase in salary ($10.385 Million to $15.999 Million) as he is, fortunately enough, in a good position to win the Triple Crown this year.

Will any of our deities set the cruise control and auger down the intensity now that they have received extensions? Should be fun to watch.

Monthly Highlights

7/4/3009 - Oklahoma City SS Apsu hits three HRs in Oklahoma City's 11-3 smacking of Memphis. Apsu finished 3 for 4 with 6 RBI.

7/4/3009 - Judaism icon Abraham hits the 77th cycle in league history, scoring two runs and driving in two more as Charlotte squeaks past Chicago, 5-3.

7/5/3009 - Token Human Player of the Week Awards go to Oklahoma City pitcher Mark Dray (2-0 / 3.65 / 14 Ks) and Gadsden pitcher Manuel Ortega (2-0 / 1.93 / 15 Ks).

7/5/3009 - In the bottom of the 3rd inning, Stockton pitcher Thomas Duke's first pitch to Hindu deity Vishnu is jacked down the left field line for a 353 foot solo HR - the 500th HR of Vishnu's career. Stockton ended up winning the game 8-7. The ball landed in the left field seats, causing a tremendous dogpile of fans who were hoping to nab the ball for profit's sake. After the dust cleared, 33 year-old steel-worker Kyle Nantz came up with the ball and was scuttled off by security before anyone tried to take it from him.

When asked what he planned to do with the ball, Nantz replied, "Well, I always felt that it seemed a little bit petty for people to sell a ball that might be important to the player who hit it. I had a discussion with Mr. Vishnu following the game and I have agreed to sell it to him for a fair amount of money and some autographed memorabilia...plus, there's this totally hot chick which I want to nail down at [local bar] Jake's, so he's going to help me out with that, too."

7/6/3009 - Stockton 3B Hunab Ku hits 2 doubles, a triple and 2 solo HRs in Stockton's 14-9 win over Columbus. HuKu drove in 3 runs and scored 6.

7/8/3009 - Orlando CF Satan powers his team to victory in Houston by hitting three HRs with 4 RBI as Orlando slips past Houston 10-9.

7/9/3009 - Inuit deity Tekkeitsertok hits two singles, a double and 2 HRs, scoring 3 runs and driving in 6 in Philadelphia's 14-6 win in Charlotte.

7/9/3009 - Aztec God Ometeotl clubs three HRs and drives in 4 runs in Pittsburgh's 12-3 beating of Lewiston.

7/11/3009 - In what is shaping up to be a busy news month, Zulu God uKqili goes 4 for 5 with a single, 3 HRs, 4 runs scored and 4 RBI in Norfolk's 7-3 win in Atlanta.

7/12/3009 - Philadelphia deity Tekkeitsertok (.545 / 13 RBI / .655 OBP) wins the CL Player of the Week Award. In the United League, mortal Maurice Tuck (.565 / 3 HR / 11 RBI / 1.130 SLG) outperforms the deities and wins his league's PotW.

7/18/3009 - Houston LF A Thetan hits the 78th cycle in league history, scoring 3 runs and collecting 3 RBI as Houston beats up on Charlotte, 11-2.

7/19/3009 - Scientology icon A Thetan (.656 / 6 HR / 23 RBI) and Taosim icon Lao-tzu (.600 / 14 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

7/22/3009 - Atlanta catcher Viracocha hits the 79th cycle in league history, but Atlanta falls to Hartford, 13-7. On the day, Viracocha scored 4 runs and drove in 4 as well.

7/23/3009 - In the top of the 9th inning, facing New Orleans reliever Harry Garner, Odin hits a 367-foot HR over the left field wall for his 500th career HR. Gadsden fell to New Orleans, 9-6.

In a stunning coincidence, Odin's 500th career HR was caught by none other than Kyle Nantz, the same man who caught Vishnu's 500th career HR. When interviewed after the game, Nantz said simply, "Listen...I *really* want to nail this chick."

7/23/3009 - In a game that lasted a marathon-like 17 innings and 7 and a half hours, Hindu deity Vishnu goes 7 for 7 from the plate, with two singles, two doubles, a triple and 2 HRs, scoring 5 runs and collecting 3 RBI. Vishnu also walked twice and stole a base as he falls one triple shy of collecting an extremely rare double-cycle, but does collect the 80th cycle in league history. Little Rock scored two runs in the top of the 17th to win the game 13-11.

7/25/3009 - Roman God Jupiter clubs three HRs in Cincinnati's 10-5 win over Seattle, collecting 5 RBI and scoring 3 runs.

7/26/3009 - On a mission since being belittled at the All-Star Game, Chicago LF Khonvoum (.619 / 7 RBI / 1.286 SLG) wins the CL Player of the Week Award. In the United League, Columbus SS Vishnu (.652 / 4 HR / 8 RBI / 1.478 SLG) takes home the PotW Award.

7/26/3009 - Cycles are being hit like they're going out of style. This time, it's Babylonian God Apsu's turn as he hits the 81st cycle in league history, scoring 4 runs and driving in 7 as Oklahoma City pounds Charlotte, 15-1.

7/26/3009 - Orlando CF Satan hits the 82nd cycle in league history driving in 5 runs and scoring twice as Orlando beats Norfolk, 7-3.

7/29/3009 - Pittsburgh CF Ometeotl goes 5 for 5 with a single, a double and 3 HRs, with 3 runs scored and 6 RBI as Pittsburgh topples Gadsden 9-7.

8/1/3009 - Babylonian God Apsu (.527 / 47 RBI / 1.247 SLG) and Aztec God Ometeotl (.464 / 43 RBI / 1.320 SLG) win Batter of the Month Awards.

8/1/3009 - A flurry of deities are resigned as detailed below.

Abraham ($10.39M) resigns with Charlotte for 6 years / $13.81M per.
Apsu ($10.39M) resigns with Oklahoma City for 6 years / $15.99M per.
Awonawilona ($10.91M) resigns with New York for 6 years / $13.08M per.
Bondje ($16.72M) resigns with Hartford for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Jesus Christ ($11.42M) resigns with Memphis for 6 years / $14.54M per.
Confucius ($16.72M) resigns with Phoenix for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Enlil ($16.72M) resigns with Cleveland for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Khonvoum ($10.91M) resigns with Chicago for 6 years / $14.54M per.
Hunab Ku ($16.72M) resigns with Stockton for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Mohammed ($16.72M) resigns with Buffalo for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Guru Nahak ($16.72M) resigns with New Orleans for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Odin ($16.72M) resigns with Gadsden for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Ometeotl ($16.72M) resigns with Pittsburgh for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Tekkeitsertok ($16.72M) resigns with Philadelphia for 6 years / $16.72M per.
A Thetan ($11.42M) resigns with Houston for 6 years / $14.54M per.
Lao-tzu ($16.72M) resigns with Greensboro for 6 years / $16.72M per.
uKqili ($16.72M) resigns with Norfolk for 6 years / $16.72M per.
Viracocha ($10.91M) resigns with Atlanta for 6 years / $14.54M per.
Vishnu ($16.72M) resigns with Columbus for 6 years / $16.72M per.

CL Deity BA Leader: A Thetan .495 (+.018 over Apsu)
CL Deity HR Leader: Apsu 69 (+1 over Confucius)
CL Deity RBI Leader: Apsu 158 (+4 over Confucius)
CL Deity SB Leader: Jesus Christ 74 (+5 over A Thetan)

UL Deity BA Leader: Hunab Ku .482 (+.004 over Altjira)
UL Deity HR Leader: Ometeotl 63 (+5 over Odin)
UL Deity RBI Leader: Odin 128 (+2 over Ometeotl)
UL Deity SB Leader: Vishnu 65 (+2 over Hunab Ku / Enlil)

Career Deity Hits Leaderboard
1.) Hunab Ku 1477
2.) Vishnu 1465
3.) Odin 1459
4.) Bondje 1419
5.) A Thetan 1414
6.) uKqili 1406
7.) Jesus Christ 1405
8.) Ometeotl 1401
9.) Siddhartha Guatama 1390
10.) Lao-tzu 1369