Welcome to What is Likely Your Only Chance to Ever Be Cool

[Subby]

Dear Sports Text Sim and Internet Message Board Enthusiasts:

The Front Office Baseball League has an opening.

You know the deal: started in 2001, this thirty-six team league not only has thirty-three seasons of fancy-ass number generation under its belt, but has enjoyed an insane amount of guilt-free groupie sex that goes along with being the top fake baseball league in existence.

Here are some features of FOBL:

- Built with Microsoft FrontPage 2001, the FOBL web site has all kinds of fancy sh*t like blinking text, rotating banner ads, guestbooks, animated gifs and embedded javascript popup polls. The site is so good that the site's creator actually has people pay him to do web sites. At least two people, maybe more.

The site also has built in copy-protection on the off-chance that some scumbag league tries to rip off the design. Steal the FOBL web site and we send Chastity Bono to your house with a Hulk Hands® vibrator (THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED).

- We take free agency where it belongs - OUTSIDE OF OOTP. FOBL developed a web-based auction-style bidding program that has gone a long way toward setting efficient market prices for free agents through an open and accessible market place. Think e-Bay, but with just fake baseball players.

- State of the Art Forums: Complete with a FOBL-branded 500 game video arcade, and a modern-day Flash-driven chat lounge, the vBulletin-driven FOBL forums are the centerpiece of the collective ownership brain. Of course they are locked down completely but it is not because Drake is hiding porn there or anything.

- Confusing Financials: According the FOBL Constitution, a team's revenue is calculated thusly: Revenue = [ .4 * AVG (CP + BC) + .2 * MIN ] * TK + .2 * INC * (36 - SCRANK ) + FP. As Betty White would say, "There is no way in f*ck that a human being can calculate that formula." So we got Spanky, the league's robotic assistant, to calculate it for us automatically after each game.

- We are Anti-tanking: we don't have some vague, horsesh*t constitutional feel-good language condemning tanking. We actually fine the bejesus out of you if you don't win enough games each season. And in FOBL CASH IS KING.

- Sexy Team Pages: Pretty and replete with team history and owner bios, and gorgeous uniforms, courtesy of heterosexual league-seamstress and soft-porn expert, cuervo.

- Rampant Attention to History: Between a stunning past champions page and our burgeoning Hall of Fame, FOBL always gives a nod to the old school, yo.

- Automated Drafting: No drafting by email or message board or any of that nonsense. It's automatic for the peoples! We have a special utility that keeps things humming like the VIP room at the Gold Club, circa 1996.

- Sure we also have some spurious, bad seeds in the mix - guys like RonCo, Satchel, Killebrew (aka Buddy Grant) and Sporr. But we try and do THE BEST WE CAN WITH THE HAND WE ARE DEALT.

Interested?

Drop an email to our commissioner-for-life: simon.cable@gmail.com.

Do not tell him Subby sent you.

PS. We hate teenagers, so please don't bother or you'll just end up in tears or dead.

[RonCo]

I always wanted to be a bad seed.

[Killebrew]

Do you guys have a health plan?

[sjshaw]

For the record, one former owner did not hate teenagers. He actually quite liked them, especially barely-legal, gender-confused cosplay enthusiasts.

OK, it wasn't a former owner. It's a current owner.

OK, it's not me.

OK, it's me.

Did I mention they have to be legal?

Who is that at my door?

Oh, hi Chris Hansen from Dateline.

You want me to have a seat? Where? Over there? Allrighty then. Would you like a wine cooler?

[RonCo]

Dammit Simms, this is what happens to Shaw when you delay free agency a day.