Deity Competition League

[enigk]

ALL-STAR GAME - JULY 1st, 3005

It's All-Star time again in the DCL! Last year, 4 deities failed to garner enough All-Star votes to make the squad - this year the deities have fared a little better as 3 of the 26 have not made the cut, including Awonawilona who is out 4 weeks with a pulled calf muscle. Sumerian God Enlil gets snubbed for the 2nd year in a row despite posting a quite respectable .469 / 36 HR / 91 RBI. Enlil was frustrated at not making the squad, but was gracious and calm in an interview when he heard the news. "Yeah, I'll be honest, it sucks," declared Enlil, "But what are you going to do? It just happens that 4 of the deity catchers are in the UL...and while we can play any position better than any mere mortal, the balloting is limited to our primary position...I've just got to outperform all of the other UL catchers next year...or switch to 1B...what a cupcake position *that* is..."

Also snubbed for the 2nd year in a row is Sikhism icon and New Orleans Catcher Guru Nahak. Nahak had the weakest numbers at the All-Star break last year, but has fared much better this year, posting a .427 / 40 HR / 77 RBI for the first half of the season. Nahak was considerably more upset than Enlil - "I'm hitting .427..." Nahak fumed, "Abraham? .386! Look at the numbers! Me? 40 HRs. Him? 28! It's ridiculous! I don't know who's f***ing d*ck *he's* polishing..." Guru Nahak then proceeded on a profanity-laced tirade only achievable by someone from a higher plane, causing several nearby children to burst into flames.

All Snubbing and Profanitizing aside, last year's All-Star Game will be tough to top as it came down to the bottom of the 9th, featured several defensive gems by our deities and included an inside the park home run. But, if any group of players is capable of performing miracles - this is most certainly it. Here's how the lineups shake out:

UL's Starting Line-Up
1.) 3B Odin (.491 / 40 HR / 91 RBI)
2.) LF Lao-tzu (.494 / 31 HR / 79 RBI)
3.) SS Hunab Ku (.504 / 49 HR / 104 RBI)
4.) RF Zeus (.491 / 41 HR / 116 RBI)
5.) 1B Vishnu (.469 / 42 HR / 104 RBI)
6.) C Ometeotl (.429 / 32 HR / 79 RBI)
7.) 2B Ra (.417 / 42 HR / 93 RBI)
8.) CF Mohammed (.414 / 42 HR / 95 RBI)
9.) P. Russell Miller (9-4 / 3.84 ERA / 148 Ks)

CL's Starting Line-Up
1.) C Viracocha (.457 / 38 HR / 78 RBI)
2.) SS Sidhartha Guatama (.507 / 42 HR / 100 RBI)
3.) 1B uKqili (.489 / 48 HR / 98 RBI)
4.) LF A Thetan (.414 / 36 HR / 85 RBI)
5.) 3B Jesus Christ (.453 / 35 HR / 88 RBI)
6.) RF Satan (.442 / 45 HR / 88 RBI)
7.) 2B Confucius (.442 / 40 HR / 93 RBI)
8.) CF Tekkeitsertok (.453 / 43 HR / 103 RBI)
9.) P Warren Lyon (7-5 / 3.65 ERA / 92 Ks)

GAME RECAP

Top of the 1st - Odin gets the ball rolling quickly for the UL as he cuts the first pitch of the game into the right field corner for a triple. Lao-tzu followed with a Sac Fly to deep left-center, scoring Odin from 3rd and getting UL on the board. Hunab Ku lazily flew out to A Thetan in left for the 2nd out. Zeus strode confidently to the plate and took a mean cut at a 1-2 Knuckleball, but missed for the strikeout to end the inning. Zeus immediately broke the bat in half over his knee and launched an enormous lightning bolt, leveling the forest from which the bat originated.

UL 1 / CL 0

Bottom of the 1st - Viracocha started things off for the CL by fouling off a number of pitches before driving one right at Odin at 3B. Odin nicely gloved the line drive for the first out. Siddhartha Guatama got his first All-Star at bat and worked the count full. He fouled off a number of pitches, including one that sailed just foul down the left field line that landed in the middle deck. Finally, he grounded a meek two hopper to Vishnu at first for the second out. uKqili cut at the first pitch he saw and grounded it to Hunab Ku at SS who fired it to Vishnu for the 3rd out.

UL 1 / CL 0

Top of the 2nd - Vishnu stepped to the plate for the UL in the top of the 2nd and rocked a 2-0 Knuckleball over CF Tekkeitsertok's head for a stand-up double. Ometeotl followed by working the count full and drawing the walk, putting men on 1st and 2nd with no outs. Ra expanded the UL's lead with an RBI double into the left center field gap, scoring Vishnu from 2nd and putting men on 2nd and 3rd with no outs. Mohammed followed with a 2 RBI triple down the first base line. Mortal pitcher Russell Miller followed with a weak fly ball out to short center field, not deep enough to score Mohammed from 3rd. With one out and a runner on 3rd, Odin drew the walk to put men on the corners. Lao-tzu followed with a fly ball to left that was easily gloved by A Thetan, but was deep enough to score Mohammed from 3rd with no throw. Hunab Ku followed with a walk which brought up Zeus again. Zeus crushed a 2-2 pitch down the right field line but threw his hands in the air in disgust as it sailed just foul. The next pitch Zeus saw, he demolished to right field for a 3 run Home Run, giving the UL an 8-0 lead. Vishnu followed with a ground out to short, stopping the bleeding.

UL 8 / CL 0

Bottom of the 2nd - A Thetan continued the CL's lackluster offense by grounding out to 2nd for the 1st out. Jesus Christ followed by pulling the first pitch he saw into the Right-Center gap, for a stand-up double - CL's first hit of the game. Satan followed by hammering a 0-1 Screwball 458 feet into the right field seats for a 2 run Home Run, putting the CL on the board and cutting the lead to 6. Confucius followed with a ground out to shortstop, for the 2nd out. Last year's All-Star MVP Tekkeitsertok followed and drew the walk. Apsu pinch-hit for mortal pitcher Warren Lyon and drove one to deep right field that just cleared the wall and Zeus' glove for a 2 run Home Run, cutting the lead to 4. Viracocha continued the inning by drawing a walk. Siddhartha Guatama couldn't keep the inning alive, however, as he flew out to right, ending the inning.

UL 8 / CL 4

Top of the 3rd - CL pitcher and puny human Samual Sorensen took the mound, replacing the ineffective Warren Lyon and retired Ometeotl on a lazy fly ball to center field. Egyptian Sun God Ra followed with an easy ground ball to third, which Jesus Christ easily scooped and fired to first for the second out of the inning. Mohammed, who had tripled in his first at-bat, came to the plate and massaged a full count, but then got caught sleeping as a 3-2 Splitter sailed right down the heart of the plate for the strikeout.

UL 8 / CL 4

Bottom of the 3rd - uKqili led off the inning by ripping a 2-2 pitch past a diving 1B Vishnu and into the right field corner. Zeus' throw was close from RF, but uKqili just beat the tag for a lead-off triple. A Thetan followed and bounced a dribbler to the pitcher which was fielded easily for the first out. Jesus crushed a 3-2 Slider down the right field line, but it sailed just foul. He followed by popping the next pitch into shallow center field, which Mohammed easily gloved. With 2 outs and a runner on 3rd, Satan strode to the plate, having already homered once. He worked the count full but his wrists turned on a checked swing for the strikeout to end the inning, stranding uKqili at 3rd.

UL 8 / CL 4

Top of the 4th - The UL All-Stars interestingly let mortal pitcher Russell Miller bat to lead off the 4th, and he responded by popping out to the catcher, Viracocha, for the 1st out of the inning. Odin followed by blistering a single into left field. Lao-tzu bounced one to the right side which CL 2B Confucius bare-handed and snapped to first, just beating the Taoism icon to the bag for the second out. With Odin on 2nd and 2 outs, Hunab Ku came to the plate and dropped a 1-1 pitch just in front of Satan in right field for an RBI single, scoring Odin from 2nd. Zeus followed with a hot ground ball that just avoided a diving Confucius' glove at 2B to put runners on the corners with 2 out. Vishnu watched the first pitch sail past for a ball as Zeus successfully stole second. Vishnu had a hitter's count at 3-1, but could only manage a soft fly ball to Satan in RF for the 3rd out.

UL 9 / CL 4

Bottom of the 4th - Mortal Walter Venezia replaced Russell Miller on the mound to start the bottom half of the 4th. Confucius welcomed him to the game by dribbling a weak ground ball towards second base which Ra bare-handed and fired to first, but it was not in time. Tekkeitsertok was next in line and he worked the count full - fouling off a number of pitches, including a blast down the right field line that just hooked foul. After fouling off a couple more pitches, mortal Pitcher Walter Venezia turned and fired to Vishnu at first who tagged Confucius before he could get back to the bag. Confucius was livid and was almost thrown from the game as he screamed at the umpire that Venezia had balked. Confucius was very lucky that the umpire of tonight's game was John Rocker IV as he could easily be heard screaming: "Confucius say: SUCK MY F***ING D**K, YOU MOTHER F***ER!!!". Tekkeitsertok was able to calm Confucius through a magical enchantment and Confucius calmly walked back to the dugout. So, now with one out and no one on, Tekkeitsertok blasted the next pitch he saw to deep left center for a solo Home Run. Abraham pinch-hit for the mortal pitcher and skied a ball to center field which Mohammed easily grabbed for the 2nd out. Viracocha then came to the plate and bounced out to 2nd for the last out of the inning.

UL 9 / CL 5

Top of the 5th - Bill Richie came in to pitch for the CL and retired Ometeotl with a simple fly ball to right. Ra drew the walk to put a runner on first with one out. Mohammed followed by first-pitch-swinging into the 4-6-3 double play to end the inning.

UL 9 / CL 5

Bottom of the 5th - Siddhartha Guatama's woes at the plate continued as he grounded out to 2nd bringing him to 0 for 3 on the night. uKqili followed with a walk. A Thetan was next up and watched as the UL squad pitched out on the first pitch and Ometeotl gunned down uKqili who was trying to steal second. Scientology fans finally could cheer as A Thetan got his first All-Star hit, an infield single to second base. Jesus Christ was next up and smashed one up the middle, but a diving Ra just gloved it and flipped it to 2nd to end the inning.

UL 9 / CL 5

Top of the 6th - The UL continued to let their pitchers bat as Walter Venezia struck out to start off the 6th. Odin got his 3rd hit in 3 ABs as he drilled a 3-2 pitch over the wall in right-center field to grow the lead to 5. Lao-tzu shot one between third and short which Siddhartha Guatama somehow managed to corral and fire to first for the out. Khonvoum came in to pinch-hit for Hunab Ku and watched ball 4 sail just off the outside corner. Irish deity Anu pinch-hit for Zeus and took the first pitch for a strike as Khonvoum stole second. Anu fouled off a number of pitches and eventually drew the walk, putting men on 1st and 2nd with 2 out. Altjira pinch-hit for Vishnu next and lined a 2-1 pitch into the right field corner for a 2 RBI triple, increasing the UL's lead to 7. Aztec God Ometeotl was pinch-hit for by mortal Connie Kerry, who doubled just past a quickly moving A Thetan for the RBI double. The CL made an overdue pitching change, which worked to their advantage as Ra skied one to left which A Thetan pinched to stop the bleeding.

UL 13 / CL 5

Bottom of the 6th - As the UL sent a new pitcher to the mound, Satan's night was finished at 1 for 2 with a HR, as he was pinch-hit for by mortal Chadwick Isabel. Isabel grounded out to Altjira at shortstop for the 1st out. Confucius stayed in the game and drove a liner over Odin's glove at 3rd for a one-out double. Tekkeitsertok followed with a grounder to third. Odin looked Confucius back to second and then fired to first for the second out. Mortal Charles Melton pinch-hit for the pitcher and drove one over the right-center field wall for a 2 run Homer, dropping the lead to 6. Viracocha remained offensively impotent as he flew out to Mohammed in CF, bringing him to 0 for 3 on the day.

UL 13 / CL 7

Top of the 7th - A new pitcher for the CL took the mound and Mohammed welcomed him to the game by crushing a 1-1 pitch over the left field wall for the solo HR. Mortal Ryan Demasi pinch-hit for the UL pitcher and struck out looking on 3 pitches. Odin was retired for the first time on the night as he bounced out to Jesus Christ at third for the 2nd out. Lao-tzu remained hitless as he flew out to A Thetan in left for the third out.

UL 14 / CL 7

Bottom of the 7th - Following a 7th inning stretch which featured Harry Caray VII singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", UL brought in a new pitcher as the home crowd tried to energize their trailing CL All-Star team. Siddhartha Guatama rocketed a ground ball up the middle which Ra managed to nab, but there was no throw - giving Guatama the infield single. In what atheists around the world are calling a coincidence, uKqili drove a ball to deep left center that took a funny hop - when the dust cleared, uKqili had a 2 run *Inside the Park Home Run*! With the lead cut to 5 and the momentum swaying, A Thetan hovered to the plate to his regular music of "She Blinded Me With Science" and lined a 1-1 pitch down the right field line which Jupiter played very well to hold him to a single. Jesus Christ stood by and watched the first pitch sail past for a called strike as A Thetan stole second. Christ took the walk as the crowd roared. Voodoo god Bondje was next up and he walked on 4 pitches, bringing a visit to the mound and a deafening cheer from the crowd. With the bases loaded and no outs, the UL Coach left in their pitcher to face Confucius who was 2 for 3 on the night. Confucius fouled a couple pitches off which just made the stands and then checked his swing for Ball 4, forcing home A Thetan from 3rd and cutting the lead to 4. Inuit deity Tekkeitsertok worked the count full and hit a fly ball into center field for the first out, but was deep enough to score a tagging Jesus from 3rd, cutting the lead to 3. The UL countered with a pitching change and the CL's pinch hit mortal Angel Loera for their pitcher. Loera swung at a 1-1 pitch and flied out easily to Lao-tzu in left for the second out. With 2 out and runners on 1st and 2nd, the CL pinch hit for Incan icon Viracocha (who was 0 for 3) with mortal Emanuel Laroche. Laroche worked the count full, but then popped out to Ra at second to end the inning.

UL 14 / CL 11

Top of the 8th - Mortal Bart Ivers (1.57 ERA / 17 Saves) took the mound for the CL and Khonvoum led things off with a groundout to short. Irish deity Anu was next and popped up a 3-0 pitch to Jesus Christ at 3rd for the 2nd out. Aboriginal deity Altjira followed with a line-drive single to right field. Jupiter took the first pitch for a ball as Altjira easily stole 2nd base. Jupiter's jaw dropped in disbelief as a 3-2 pitch he thought was clearly outside was called for the third strike to end the inning.

UL 14 / CL 11

Bottom of the 8th - The Buddhist Bomber, Siddhartha Guatama, made an already frenzied crowd happier as he led off the CL half of the inning with a double down the first base line, just past an outstretched Anu. The UL countered with a pitching change, but uKqili drew the walk to put runners on first and second with no outs. A Thetan was next up and skied an 0-2 pitch down the left field line that *just* hooked foul. The UL pitcher was obviously shaken as his next 4 pitches were balls, loading the bases with no one out as the crowd reveled. Jesus Christ strode to the plate, representing ultimate compassion as well as the go-ahead run. The ground absolutely shook as Jesus absolutely crucified the hell out of a 2-1 Slider, which easily cleared the wall in right-center for a GRAND SLAM, giving the CL their first lead of the game! The crowd could be heard miles away as the PA system blared that: "DAA NAA NAA NAA NA NA NA! HEY!" song. The UL left in their pitcher which proved a costly error as Bondje followed by blasting an 0-1 pitch for a 428 foot shot over the left field wall to give the CL All-Stars a 2 run lead. The UL showed tremendous patience and forgiveness as they left in a visibly shaken James Cheshire, who had retired no one, walked 2 and gave up two home runs. Confucius followed with a walk. Tekkeitsertok took the first pitch for a ball as Confucius easily stole second. Cheshire was finally able to record an out as Tekkeitsertok flew out to CF for the first out of the inning. The CL let mortal pitcher Bart Ivers step to the plate and he grounded out to 3rd base. With Confucius on 2nd, 2 out and the crowd only slightly quieting, Emanuel Laroche drove one to deep center that was corralled at the track by Mohammed, putting an end to the 8th.

UL 14 / CL 16

Top of the 9th - It was do or die time for the UL and they decided to pinch hit for Ra with mortal Frederick Miller. Miller flew a 1-0 pitch into Center Field which Tekkeitsertok easily squeezed for the first out. With only two outs left to burn, Mohammed strode to the plate and doubled down the right field line, just beating the throw from Bondje. The UL had exhausted their batters, so pitcher James Cheshire walked to the plate as the tying run with one out and a runner on 2nd. Cheshire struck out swinging on 3 pitches and the crowd all stood and cheered as they were one out away from the victory. Norse God and 3004 MVP Odin strode to the plate, already 3 for 4 with a home run. Mortal CL pitcher Bart Ivers did not flinch in the slightest and he worked the count to 2-2. Absolute bedlam swept the fans and the players on the field as Ivers hurled a beautiful fastball that just nipped the corner of the plate, sitting Odin down and sealing the come from behind victory for the CL.

FINAL SCORE: UL 14 / CL 16

So, the CL wins an absolutely fantastic game - their 2nd All-Star game win. Jesus Christ was elated to find that he was named the All-Star Game MVP as he goes 2-4 with a double, 3 runs scored and the 4 RBI from the Grand Slam that gave the CL All-Stars the lead. "I'm elated," noted an elated Jesus Christ, "I couldn't be happier right now. Keep your frankencense and myrrh, man, this was one hell of a gift right here. We must give plenty of respect to the UL All-Stars as well - they played a great game." All-Star Teammate and Father of All Lies, Satan, then gave Jesus a high-five and a hug.

UL Closer James Cheshire was considerably distraught after the game. "I know I blew this one," declared Cheshire, "But I can't believe how petty some of these deities are. I already feel terrible enough as it is and, now, I've got some really strange lumps rising out of my genitalia. This salt in the wound crap really has to go..."

Just when I thought last year's All-Star Contest couldn't be topped, this year's game sets the bar even higher. Another inside the park home run and a tremendous bit of clutch hitting from Jesus Christ accomplishes the come from behind win which the UL couldn't manage to pull off last year.

[Hoeksam]

Awesome writing, bro. Had me on the floor rolling the entire time.

One question, though. I noticed that many of the deity's (especially on the UL's starting lineup) changed positions from the first year they were in the all-star game to the second year (i.e. Jesus Christ was the starting LF the first year, the 3B this year???). Did they change their primary positions during the off-season and I missed it in the readings or is there something else up?

Also, quite interesting to see that both mortal starting pitchers from last year's All-Star game were the starters this year as well.

Keep up the excellent work, bro. My favorite read on the OOTP boards by far.

[enigk]

Originally Posted by Hoeksam

Awesome writing, bro. Had me on the floor rolling the entire time.

One question, though. I noticed that many of the deity's (especially on the UL's starting lineup) changed positions from the first year they were in the all-star game to the second year (i.e. Jesus Christ was the starting LF the first year, the 3B this year???). Did they change their primary positions during the off-season and I missed it in the readings or is there something else up?

Also, quite interesting to see that both mortal starting pitchers from last year's All-Star game were the starters this year as well.

Keep up the excellent work, bro. My favorite read on the OOTP boards by far.

Hey Hoeksam - thanks for the compliments, man - glad to hear you're digging it. Good question about changing positions, I checked at the beginning of the year and all were still in their original primary positions - however 3 are now listed as having new primary positions. Apsu has moved from CF to SS for Oklahoma City, Ra is now listed as Raleigh's 1B instead of SS and, in Charlotte, Abraham has moved from LF to 3B. I'll need to keep a closer eye on this from now on.

But, as you mentioned, Jesus is a LF but played 3B in the All-Star Game. I am guessing that, for an All-Star game, the AI will switch up the positions of the players if they can play more than one spot so as to make the line-up as strong as possible. That being said, it doesn't appear to want to do that for people whose primary position is Catcher...

[Big Six]

Enigk,

I need to be really careful where I am when I'm reading your thread. I find myself laughing out loud whenever I open it up, and if I'm at work or on the laptop while enjoying a cup of coffee at a diner, people tend to give me funny looks.

Thanks for a fun, and different, read! I have to wonder how intimidating it would be for a mortal to be called on to pinch hit for Satan...

[enigk]

Thanks, Big Six! I really appreciate the compliments!

[enigk]

August 1st, 3005

The first week following the All-Star Break saw a continuation to the tradition of mortals winning the first Player of the Week Awards in July. Pygmies and Scientologists had a lot to celebrate as their deities had great months and Pygmy Scientologists had twice as much to cheer. One team gets No-Hit and 1-Hit, our deities hit a few more cycles and a few more 3-HR games.

Monthly Highlights

7/4/3005 - In the first day of games since the All-Star Break, Gadsden 2B Odin, who struck out to end the All-Star game, was obviously a deity on a mission, as he goes 4 for 5 with 3 HRs, 4 runs scored and 6 RBI in a 10-5 win in El Paso. His 3rd home run came in the top of the 10th, and proved to be the game winner. After the game, a cocksure reporter asked Odin how it felt to hit 3 home runs after striking out looking to end the All-Star game as the tying run. The reporter has not been seen since...

7/5/3005 - If Weeks_post = 1 then PotWA goto mortals. The rich 2 year tradition continues as two mortals win PotW with non-noteworthy numbers.

7/11/3005 - Twas a good week for players who have been the last out in All-Star games, as Little Rock Left Fielder and Greek deity Zeus hits the 28th cycle in league history. Zeus scored 4 runs and drove in 3 with his 4 for 5 performance in Little Rock's 14-4 drubbing of Stockton.

7/12/3005 - Babylonian Deity Apsu (.500 / 8 RBI / .552 OBP) and Aztec God Ometeotl (.565 / 13 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

7/19/3005 - Zulu icon and Norfolk 1B uKqili (.621 / 7 HR / 17 RBI) and Columbus' SS and Hindu Deity Vishnu (.600 / 6 HR / 13 RBI / 1.640 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

7/19/3005 - In a busy news day, Philadelphia's Tekkeitsertok hits the 29th cycle in league history, scoring twice and driving in three in Philly's 7-4 win in Chicago.

7/19/3005 - Peer pressure is not just a mortal occurrence, it seems - just minutes after Tekkeitsertok does it, Voodoo God Bondje hits for the cycle in Hartford's 6-1 win over visiting Norfolk. In hitting the 30th cycle in league history, Bondje scored twice and drove in three runs as well.

7/20/3005 - With both teams' deities warming the bench with a scheduled day-off, Chicago pitcher and Mortal Roosevelt Hyde NO-HITS Philadelphia in a 3-0 win. Philly's RF Tekkeitsertok, who had hit for the cycle just the day before, was resting and came in to pinch hit in the top of the 8th and drew a walk in his only plate appearance of the game.

7/26/3005 - Hartford RF Bondje (.650 / 9 RBI / .696 OBP) and Seattle LF Khonvoum (.609 / 5 HR / 10 RBI / 1.348 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

7/27/3005 - Egyptian Sun God Ra clubs 3 home runs, scores 4 and drives in 5 in 13-5 win over Stockton.

7/29/3005 - Bad things happen when Tekkeitsertok takes a game off for Philly. This time, they are 1-hit by a Satan-led Orlando squad. Tekkeitsertok had been granted permission to not be at the game to have some minor dental work done but it might not have made any difference anyway, as Satan drives in 5 in Orlando's 14-0 victory.

7/31/3005 - In a home run filled day, Judaism icon Abraham single-handedly defeats Houston, hitting 3 home runs with 4 RBI in Charlotte's 6-3 victory.

7/31/3005 - If a team's getting roughed up, more often that not it seems to be Hunab Ku's Stockton team. This time, it's Altjira doing them in with a 3 HR / 5 RBI performance in Lewiston's 12-5 win.

8/1/3005 - A Thetan (.510 / 19 HR / 40 RBI) and Pygmy Powerhouse Khonvoum (.580 / 20 HR / 42 RBI / 1.370 SLG) win their first career Batter of the Month Awards.

Deity BA Leader: Altjira .508 (+.008 over 2nd place)
Deity HR Leader: Khonvoum 64 (+2 over 2nd place)
Deity RBI Leader: Zeus 149 (+2 over 2nd place)
Deity SB Leader: Hunab Ku 69 (+3 over 2nd place)

[enigk]

September 1st, 3005

As our deities begin the home stretch of the 2nd season of the DCL, it will be interesting to see how the performances turn. Will our potential Free Agent deities really start to light things up in their contract year? How will the playoffs and post-season awards shake out? Recently Zeus and Little Rock have really been making a strong push to make the post-season, as they are in the midst of a 10 game winning streak, putting them 4 games in front of Cleveland in the UL West. The month of August remained injury-free and saw a number more cycles and 3 Home Run games by our deities.

Monthly Highlights

8/2/3005 - The Buddhist Bomber, Siddhartha Guatama (.552 / 14 RBI / 1.414 SLG) and the Aztec Assassin, Ometeotl (.524 / 5 HR / 15 RBI / 1.429 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

8/9/3005 - Following a slow news week, Pueblo Indian deity Awonawilona (.571 / 5 HR / 13 RBI / 1.357 SLG) and Aboriginal icon Altjira (.619 / 7 HR / 7 RBI / 1.810 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

8/9/3005 - Mayan God Hunab Ku grabs his 2nd career cycle as he scores 4 runs and drives in 2 in Stockton's 11-8 victory in Buffalo.

8/10/3005 - New Orleans Catcher Guru Nahak hits 3 HRs in a 16-6 clubbing of Little Rock.

8/16/3005 - Incan deity Viracocha (.500 / 7 HR / 17 RBI) and Sikh icon Guru Nahak (.526 / 15 RBI / .625 OBP) win Player of the Week Awards.

8/16/3005 - Scientology icon and Houston left fielder, A Thetan powers Houston to victory over hometown Chicago, 11-4, with 3 home runs and 6 RBI.

8/16/3005 - Gods love the long ball. Pittsburgh's resident deity, Ometeotl, proves the point as he, too, hits three home runs as Pittsburgh demolishes Stockton, 15-3. On the day, Ometeotl went 3 for 6 with 4 runs scored and 5 RBI.

8/23/3005 - A Thetan (.526 / 4 HR / 8 RBI) wins his first career Player of the Week Award, leaving only two players who haven't won Player of the Week at least once (Irish deity Anu and Roman god Jupiter being the two). Egyptian Sun God Ra (.667 / 4 HR / 11 RBI) wins his 5 PotW Award in the UL.

8/24/3005 - Zeus followers were ecstatic on this particular Tuesday as their religious leader goes 3 for 4 with 3 home runs, 4 runs scored and 4 RBI in Little Rock's 10-2 drubbing of Cleveland.

8/25/3005 - Norse God Odin follows suit as he goes 4 for 4 with 3 solo HRs in Gadsden's 7-1 win over Cincinnati.

8/27/3005 - Orlando CF Satan hits the first cycle of his career (32nd overall) and drives in 6 in his team's 8-4 victory over New York.

8/30/3005 - Oklahoma City SS Apsu (.474 / 9 RBI / 583 OBP) wins his 4th career Player of the Week Award in the CL. In the UL, it was Gadsden 2B Odin's 3rd Player of the Week Award, as his .750 / 9 HR / 16 RBI week topped the UL charts.

8/31/3005 - Aboriginal deity Altjira ends the month on a high note as he hits his second career cycle in Lewiston's 13-2 smiting of Raleigh.

9/1/3005 - Pueblo Indian deity Awonawilona (.452 / 18 HR / 47 RBI) wins his first career Batter of the Month Award for his CL performance. In the UL, it was Norse God Odin pulling in his 3rd BotM as a result of his .544 / 40 RBI / .620 OBP performance.

Deity BA Leader: Altjira .496 (+.006 over 2nd place)
Deity HR Leader: Odin 79 (+3 over 2nd place)
Deity RBI Leader: Vishnu 181 (+1 over 2nd place)
Deity SB Leader: Hunab Ku 83 (+5 over 2nd place)

Top Career HR Leaders:
1.) Odin 174
2.) uKqili 170
3.) Ometeotl 160
4.) Mohammed 158
5.) Vishnu 155
6.) Ra 155

Top Career RBI Leaders:
1.) Odin 401
2.) Vishnu 383
3.) Mohammed 376
4.) Zeus 375
5.) uKqili 371

[enigk]

October 1st, 3005

With one game left in the regular season, a few things are on the line. Firstly, all division winners have been decided save one - the UL Southwest crown is up for grabs. Gadsden (82-79) can win the division with a win, or if 2nd place Raleigh (81-80) loses. In the CL, Satan and Orlando (83-78) have a 1 game lead in the wildcard race over Jesus Christ and Memphis (82-79). Cincinnati (85-76) have a one game lead over Cleveland (84-77) for the UL wildcard.

Also, in the CL, Siddhartha Guatama is within striking distance of the CL Triple Crown. His .490 average leads uKqili with .480 and his 209 RBI are well in front of uKqili's 196. However, uKqili's 90 HRs are 1 more than Siddhartha's 89. Can Guatama outhomer uKqili to win the triple crown or will uKqili play spoiler?

In the UL, it's a longer reach, but Altjira could grab his league's triple crown. His .497 average leads Odin's .486 and he is tied with Vishnu for the league lead in HRs with 92. However, he is second in RBIs, 4 behind Vishnu.

Needless to say - there will be a lot of drama on October 2nd, the last day of the regular season.

Monthly Highlights

9/6/3005 - Apsu (.640 / 2 HR / 8 RBI) wins his 6th PotW Award. In the UL, Cincinnati Catcher Jupiter (.450 / 4 HR / 12 RBI) wins his first career Player of the Week Award, leaving only Irish deity Anu as the only deity yet to win the PotW.

9/6/3005 - Norse God Odin continued to deliver with power as he leads Gadsden to a 6-5 win over Little Rock. Odin went 4-4 with 3 HRs, 3 runs scored and 4 RBI.

9/7/3005 - Mortal and Houston Pitcher Ray Gallegos throws a complete game NO-HITTER against Viracocha and his Atlanta teammates. Viracocha went 0-2, was caught stealing and spoiled the perfect game with a 2-out walk in the 7th inning. A Thetan provided the majority of the offense for Houston as he went 3 for 3 with a HR and 2 doubles. Houston won the game 6-0.

9/8/3005 - Islam deity Mohammed has a great day, going 4 for 5 with 3 HRs, 4 runs scored and 5 RBI in Buffalo's 8-7 squeaker over Lewiston.

9/13/3005 - Incan God Viracocha (.625 / 5 HR / 12 RBI / 1.458 SLG) and Buffalo RF Mohammed (.520 / 6 HR / 9 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/13/3005 - Columbus SS Vishnu hits two singles, two doubles and a home run in Columbus' 13-1 rolling over Cleveland. On the day Vishnu scored and drove in 3 runs.

9/13/3005 - Aztec deity and Pittsburgh CF Ometeotl hits the 35th cycle in league history (his 2nd) as Buffalo is absolutely demoralized, 26-4 at home. Ometeotl scored 6 runs and drove in 5 as Pittsburgh outhit Buffalo 30-10. Buffalo deity Mohammed was extremely embarrased following the game. "They come into *our* house and do this..." said Mohammed, with barely enough pride or energy to raise his head, "This is a great disgrace. Losing this badly tarnishes all of our names. If I were in a contract year, I would be out of here so fast, it would make your damned head spin...we won the series last year and now it's like they've declared a friggin' Jihad on winning around here." That doesn't bode well for Buffalo, as Mohammed's contract expires next year.

9/19/3005 - Lao-tzu and his Greensboro teammates clinch the UL Northwest.

9/20/3005 - Oklahoma City SS Apsu (.524 / 9 RBI / 1.286 SLG) and Hindu icon Vishnu (.636 / 5 HR / 11 RBI / 1.500 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/20/3005 - Orlando and Satan fans were both very happy with their deity's 3 home run game in Chicago. On the day, Satan went 3 for 4 with 3 HRs, 4 runs scored and 5 RBI.

9/21/3005 - Bondje and his Hartford teammates clinch the CL Southeast.

9/22/3005 - Viracocha and his Atlanta teammates clinch the CL CL Northeast.

9/26/3005 - Raleigh 1B Ra clubs three home runs in his team's 11-6 win over Cleveland. On the day, Ra was 3-5 with 3 runs scored and 6 RBI.

9/27/3005 - Orlando deity and Satanic inspiration, Satan (.682 / 8 HR / 15 RBI/ 2.000 SLG) and Aztec God Ometeotl (.625 / 4 HR / 12 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/27/3005 - uKqili and his Norfolk teammates win the CL East.

9/29/3005 - Zeus and his Little Rock teammates clinch the UL West.

9/30/3005 - The Buddhist Bomber rockets three HRs and drives in 7 runs as Chicago mutilates Oklahoma City 15-0.

10/1/3005 - Siddhartha Guatama (.489 / 51 RBI / 1.409 SLG) pulls down his deity-leading 4th Batter of the Month Award. In the United League, Vishnu is awarded his 2nd BotM for his .547 / 35 RBI performance.

edit: added dates of Division winnings...

[enigk]

October 4th, 3005

It was a tension-filled day as there was plenty riding on the line on the last day of the regular season.

In the UL Southwest, Gadsden lost their early game to Columbus, 9-8, thereby opening the door for Raleigh to tie them and force a one-game playoff. However, Raleigh got kicked around by Stockton, 9-1, thus giving Gadsden the UL Southwest crown.

In the CL Wildcard race, Satan and Orlando had a 1 game lead over Jesus Christ and Memphis. Memphis played early and beat Houston, 6-4. With the playoffs on the line, Satan went 2 for 4 with 4 runs scored and 2 RBI as Orlando defeats Phoenix in Arizona, sending Orlando to the playoffs and sending Memphis packing.

In the UL Wildcard race, Cincinnati had a one game lead on Cleveland. Cleveland played the early game and beat Lewiston 10-9 on three straight singles in the bottom of the 12th. Controlling their own destinies, Cincinnati headed into the late game in Pittsburgh needing the win to seal their trip to the playoffs. Tied with Pittsburgh heading into the bottom of the 9th, a Pittsburgh mortal lead off the inning with a Solo HR to deep left center to force a one-game playoff between Cincinnati and Cleveland for the UL's Wildcard spot. The next day, the game was held in Cleveland and Cincinnati was unprepared, as they were defeated 8-1, sending Cleveland to the playoffs. Cincinncati deity Jupiter has taken a lot of flak for the loss and was considerably miserable following the game. He ended the season in an 0-9 slump - with two of those games being the most important of the year. Cleveland Catcher Enlil most certainly showed up to play as he went 3 for 4 with 2 HRs, 3 runs scored and 3 RBI in the win. "It's wonderful to be going back," exclaimed Enlil, "We fell a little short last year, but we're riding high and this is a game of streaks!" He was later seen getting into his BMW SUV with 4 teenage virgins. Let it not be said that Enlil don't know how to party.

In the Continental League, Siddhartha Guatama trailed uKqili by one HR in his bid to win the triple crown. The Buddhist Bomber played in the earliest game of the day and seemed to be letting the pressure get to him as he was 0 for 3 heading into the bottom of the 9th. But, then, he delivered a 453 foot homer to straightaway center field to pull even with uKqili. Later in the day, uKqili was unable to homer, stranding him at 90 with Guatama. So, Siddhartha Guatama wins the CL Triple Crown with a .488 / 90 HR / 211 RBI. Congratulations to the Buddhist Bomber!

In the United League, Altjira trailed Vishnu by 4 RBI in his bid to win the Triple Crown. Altjira drove in 2 runs with a 2 run homer in the 3rd inning of Lewiston's game against Cleveland, but that was all he could muster. Vishnu, meanwhile, drove in 3 runs for Columbus, to finish the season 5 RBI ahead of Altjira.

On 10/4/3005, Siddhartha Guatama (.375 / 11 RBI / .444 OBP) and Cleveland's Enlil (.600 / 11 RBI) won the last of the 3005 Player of the Week Awards.

So, the playoffs have been decided - Neither last season's champs (Buffalo and Mohammed) or the team they beat (Phoenix and Confucius) make the playoffs this year. Charlotte and their deity Abraham are the third team which will not be repeating their trip to the playoffs this year.

The three newcomers to the playoffs are Hartford (Bondje), Norfolk (uKqili) and Gadsden (Odin).

The playoff schedule for the first week is as follows (home team listed 2nd):

Orlando (Satan) vs. Hartford (Bondje)
Norfolk (uKqili) vs. Atlanta (Viracocha)
Gadsden (Odin) vs. Greensboro (Lao-tzu)
Cleveland (Enlil) vs. Little Rock (Zeus)

Deity BA Leader: Altjira .496 (+.008 over 2nd place)
Deity HR Leader: Altjira/Vishnu 92 (+1 over 2nd place)
Deity RBI Leader: Vishnu 219 (+5 over 2nd place)
Deity SB Leader: Guru Nahak / Hunab Ku 90 (+2 over 2nd place)

[Vris]

No! Satan beat out Christ for the Wild Card? My whole faith is a lie!

Great job, looking forward to an exciting post season!


Here's a question. You mention that the dieties are allowed to go to other teams. Are you allowing two dieties to be on the same team? That would be extremely interesting.

[enigk]

Originally Posted by Vris

Here's a question. You mention that the dieties are allowed to go to other teams. Are you allowing two dieties to be on the same team? That would be extremely interesting.

Deities may sign with any team they choose - I figured it would be the most interesting that way, especially since this is a player-centric dynasty where the teams themselves are actually not all that important. I figure that if multiple deities are on the same team, they may receive a small bump in RBI and Runs Scored, but I don't think it would be enough to seriously skew any results...plus, a double play of Vishnu to Confucius to Ra has a nice ring to it.

[enigk]

OCTOBER 13th, 3005

OPENING SERIES RESULTS

Hartford (Bondje) def. Orlando (Satan) 3-2
Norfolk (uKqili) def. Atlanta (Viracocha) 3-0
Gadsden (Odin) def. Greensboro (Lao-tzu) 3-1
Cleveland (Enlil) def. Little Rock (Zeus) 3-1

In the Continental League, uKqili has flourished in the Post-Season, as he hits .818 / 2 HR / 8 RBI and Norfolk steamrolls Atlanta, 3 games to none, winning each game by 2 runs and winning the first two games on the road in Atlanta.

In the other CL game, it came down to the wire as Hartford had to win their last two games to take the series. It was a quick and weak postseason for Satan, who hit just .368 during the series. Satan refused interviews following Orlando's defeat, but an unholy roar could be heard upwards of 150 miles away.

In the United League, Gadsden managed to beat up Lao-tzu and Greensboro 3 games to 1. Gadsden will need a much better performance from their deity if they wish to take the title, however, as Odin only managed to hit .333 in the opening series.

In the UL's other game, Enlil and his Cleveland teammates make their second trip to the second round, the only returning playoff team to not lose their opening series. Enlil and Zeus both hit very well - but only one team can win and Cleveland stepped up to take the series.

Deity Postseason Stats
Satan .368 / 2 HR / 6 RBI
Bondje .632 / 2 HR / 7 RBI
uKqili .818 / 2 HR / 8 RBI
Viracocha .500 / 1 HR / 1 RBI
Odin .333 / 1 HR / 4 RBI
Lao-tzu .533 / 1 HR / 2 RBI
Enlil .647 / 5 HR / 10 RBI
Zeus .667 / 3 HR / 6 RBI

[enigk]

October 22nd, 3005

CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES RESULTS

Hartford (Bondje) def. Norfolk (uKqili) 4-0
Cleveland (Enlil) def. Gadsden (Odin) 4-2

It was a bad week to be a reigning MVP...

CL Series
In the Continental League, 3004 CL MVP uKqili and Norfolk were riding high following their 3 game sweep of Atlanta, but ran headlong into a brick wall by the name of Hartford. Bondje's average dropped, but he made up for it with power as he hits 4 HRs with 10 RBI during the 4 game sweep. The key game in this series was the game 2 match-up in Hartford. Norfolk outhit Hartford 16-9 and entered the bottom of the 9th inning with a 7-6 lead. But, Norfolk brought in mortal reliever Ramon Villamil, who surrendered a single, then back-to-back walks, capped off by fellow mortal Andrew Pollard crushing a Grand Slam over the Center Field wall for the walk-off game winner. Norfolk stayed close in the remaining games, but didn't seem to have the heart to pull them out.

uKqili was very gracious in defeat. "I wish Bondje all the best," noted uKqili, in a rich baritone as deep and serene as any oceanic trench, "They really came to play and I wish them all the best in the Series of the World."

At a pep rally in the Hartford ESPNZone, Bondje assured victory was a mere formality. "I have placed a picture of the trophy, a small piece of metal scraped from its base, a chicken leg and 17 herbs and spices in a velvet pouch which I buried under an oak tree with strong roots in my backyard. How could I not lose?"

UL Series
In the United League, Enlil and Cleveland topped 3004 UL MVP Odin and his Gadsden teammates 4 games to 2. This was a close series with most games being decided by 1 or 2 runs. The key game in this series was Game 4 in Gadsden. Gadsden stood ready to even the series at 2 games apiece and outhit Cleveland 12-5, but two errors opened the door for Cleveland to steal the 6-5 win. Gadsden took 2 of their 3 home games, but dropped the next one on the road to cede the series.

Odin was terse following the game. "I am obviously upset by the outcome of this series...I mean, this is what you play the season for. But, all I can do is work hard during the off-season and come back to Gadsden next year... speaking of which, where the hell *is* Gadsden anyway?"

Enlil has spent his time off in seclusion. When asked if he was staying out of the limelight so as not to lose focus, Enlil replied, "I am a Sumerian God. How many Sumerians do you see walking around these days? I mean, I hear Jesus Christ talking about how he can't go to the store without signing 100 autographs or healing 100 lepers or whatever...you know what I get? I get a call from my agent saying that he's pretty sure I might get a call-back for my audition for Crabby Woman's Husband in a tampon commercial. But, you know what, that's just fueling my fire to win every damn award there is so I can shove it in everyone's face...oh, yeah, and as an honor to those who worship me...all *4* of them..." at which point Enlil rolled his eyes and walked away.


So, the stage is set for the second World Series in DCL history. Last year's series went the distance and was decided by great pitching in the Game 7 win. Will Hartford carry momentum from their 4 game sweep of Norfolk and a couple extra days' rest? Or will Enlil and his Cleveland teammates cash in on their extra game time to seal the victory? Vegas has made Hartford the favorites, posting 3-1 odds for Bondje and his squad while posting the odds at 9-2 for Cleveland.

Deity Postseason Stats
Bondje .563 / 6 HR / 17 RBI
uKqili .600 / 5 HR / 15 RBI
Enlil .529 / 9 HR / 14 RBI
Odin .457 / 6 HR / 11 RBI

[enigk]

3005 DCL WORLD SERIES

Game 1 - Enlil doubled and hit a solo Home Run, but that was Cleveland's only run of the day as Hartford takes Game 1 at home, 4-1. Bondje was 1-3 with a 2-run Homer.

Game 2 - Cleveland certainly came to play in Game 2, as they rough up Hartford 12-3 to even the series at 1-1. Enlil was 1-2, scored 3 runs and drew 4 walks in the drubbing. The Hartford crowd began to disperse after a 4 run 7th put Cleveland ahead 8-1. For Hartford, Bondje hit his 8th HR of the post-season and stole a base.

Game 3 - It came down to the wire in the first game in Cleveland, but Enlil and his teammates managed to hang on for the win, taking a 2-1 series lead. Bondje went 3-4 with a double, a walk and a run scored in the losing effort. Hartford trailed 9-4 heading into the top of the 9th and chipped the lead down to 1 with some doubles and a home run, but mortal Jack Hopes couldn't fulfill his last name and struck out swinging to end the game. For Cleveland, Enlil was 1-2 and hit his 11th Home Run of the postseason.

Game 4 - The series is becoming quite one-sided as Cleveland takes their third straight win to grab the 3-1 series lead. Bondje was 2-3 with an RBI and 2 runs scored, but it wasn't enough as Hartford falls to Cleveland, 9-6. In the winning effort, Enlil was 2-4 with a triple and a home run and collected 3 RBI.

Game 5 - With their backs firmly against the wall, Hartford scores 2 in the top of the 8th and squeak out the road win 6-5. Enlil had a nice game for Cleveland, going 3 for 4 with a double and 2 RBI, but Bondje picked the team up and carried them to victory with his 3 for 3 performance. Bondje hit his 9th home run of the postseason as Hartford closes the gap, but still trails Cleveland, 3 games to 2.

Game 6 - On the day before Halloween, Enlil and his Cleveland teammates got a real nice treat, as they clinch the World Series Title with a 7-6 win in Hartford. Hartford entered the 9th with a 6-4 lead and brought in their closer to seal the game. A single and an error put men on first and second for Enlil, who drove a pitch into the Center Field seats for the 3 run Home Run, which put Cleveland up 7-6. Cleveland's closer entered the game and gave up a one out double to Bondje, but back to back ground-outs ended the game and ignited a celebration on the field. Enlil's home run was his 13th of the postseason and sealed him the Post-Season MVP Award. On the game, Enlil was 3-5 with 3 RBI while Bondje was 4-5 with 2 doubles, a triple and a run scored.

A usually subdued Enlil was extremely overjoyed following the game. "Y'all know my face *NOW* don't you! I'm Sumerian! Tampon commercial people - I'm history! Oh, it feels so nice! I'm going to make *SO* much coin off of this, it's not even funny! Sneakers...soda...fast food! The triumverate, Baby! The triumverate!"

In the Hartford locker room, a downtrodden Bondje sat quietly outside his locker fielding questions from reporters. "It hurts," noted Bondje, "it really stings. I mean, I buried the pouch in my yard...perhaps I did not sanctify the ground with enough blood first? I've got a million questions running through my head, but no answers. It's tough to swallow..." The Voodoo icon then drove a pin into the groin of a small doll which was followed by a severe scream of agony from the showers.

So, our 3005 Champion is crowned as Cleveland brings the title home to Ohio. This follows a season where a fellow oft-losing city, Buffalo, wins the title. Early predictions favor Philadelphia will be next to take home the crown.

This off-season should be interesting as 9 deities are in their contract years...stay tuned!

edit:
Deity Postseason Stats
Enlil .545 / 13 HR / 25 RBI
Bondje .604 / 9 HR / 22 RBI

[Vris]

Woohoo! The return of the DCL! Glad to see the "nobody" Enlil finally cash in.

I'm looking forward to see what dieties team up. Those teams aren't going to be fair.

[UngratefulDead]

This is incredibly well-done, it's nice to see such a great concept combined with excellent execution. I'll be following.

[enigk]

3005 DEITY AWARDS

World Series Trophy - Enlil
Post-Season MVP Award - Enlil
Continental League MVP - Siddhartha Guatama (Triple Crown)
United League MVP - Altjira
All-Star Game MVP - Jesus Christ

Continental League Golden Gloves
Catcher - Viracocha
3B - Abraham

United League Golden Gloves
Catcher - Altjira (2)
1B - Ra
SS - Hunab Ku
CF - Mohammed (2)


DEITY 3005 STATS (BA Descending)
Altjira .496 / 92 HR / 214 RBI
Siddhartha Guatama .488 / 90 HR / 211 RBI
Odin .486 / 89 HR / 192 RBI
uKqili .480 / 90 HR / 197 RBI
Viracocha .477 / 74 HR / 169 RBI
Khonvoum .473 / 91 HR / 201 RBI
Bondje .469 / 68 HR / 179 RBI
Ometeotl .467 / 77 HR / 187 RBI
Zeus .466 / 87 HR / 211 RBI
Vishnu .463 / 92 HR / 219 RBI
Lao-Tzu .458 / 75 HR / 181 RBI
Enlil .457 / 70 HR / 188 RBI
Apsu .452 / 90 HR / 185 RBI
Guru Nahak .448 / 80 HR / 178 RBI
Jesus Christ .448 / 74 HR / 183 RBI
Hunab Ku .446 / 77 HR / 167 RBI
Satan .444 / 85 HR / 184 RBI
A Thetan .443 / 79 HR / 176 RBI
Jupiter .440 / 77 HR / 177 RBI
Tekkeitsertok .434 / 77 HR / 188 RBI
Awonawilona .429 / 68 HR / 160 RBI
Mohammed .428 / 85 HR / 184 RBI
Abraham .423 / 71 HR / 162 RBI
Anu .416 / 63 HR / 153 RBI
Confucius .412 / 76 HR / 188 RBI
Ra .409 / 86 HR / 181 RBI

[enigk]

January 31st, 3006

In a stunning turn of events, the DCL commissioner has ruled that the deities will be held to the same contractual obligations as the mortal players. This means that all deities will be Automatically Resigned at the end of the year for their first three years and then subject to arbitration for the next three. The deities had petitioned to be granted Free Agency status but the request was denied.


(Long story short - I forgot about the auto resign and arbitration ...so, we won't be seeing any free agency moves for a few more seasons...sorry about that, folks!)

[Carlton]

Jesus and Satan in Memphis

Well that about sums up Elvis and country music doesn't it?

Looks like JC can hit a curveball too

[Hoeksam]

Having just watched Major League for like the 100th time, I had this vision...


--------------------------------------------
Hartford (AP) - In just another case of "players controlling the team", Voodoo diety Bondje has forced the owners of the team to remove Hartford's current manager from his position and replace him with one of the stars from the movie Major League, Pedro Cerrano. In his first press conference, Cerrano stated that Hartford "is good... but in Cleveland, bats were sick. Bats could not hit curve ball. So I come to Bondje. I offer him cigar, rum. He take fear from bats. We win championship this year."

After the press conference, the former Hartford manager was seen being consoled by the ever-forgiving Memphis diety Jesus Christ, who was overheard saying, "Do not worry, my child. Even I couldn't have hit those curve balls..."
-----------------------------------

LMAO god, I love this league.