[enigk]

April 1st, 3006

April Showers may bring May Flowers, but they also bring the beginning of the third season of the DCL. Spring Training is complete and our deities are itching to get out onto the field and prove their mettle against their Godly peers. Spring Training was pretty quiet for our deities as only 8 showed any noteworthy traits - Mohammed, Abraham, Enlil, Anu, Bondje, Zeus, Jesus Christ and Confucius all showed Good Strike Zone Judgement. It was SSDD for the rest of our deities.

It is also all of the deities' 23rd birthdays today - a big Happy Birthday to all of our icons!

Reigning MVPs Siddhartha Guatama and Altjira have the rest of the deities gunning for them - one deity to keep an eye on is Cleveland Catcher and Sumerian God Enlil. One of Enlil's bold proclamations prior to the World Series last year rang true and rumors say he's been working out like a fiend during the offseason - will he continue to drive up his Q Factor? Will he begin a Gatesian monopoly on player awards? Will his followers number in the hundreds before the year is out? Only time will tell...

Another icon to keep an eye on is Sikhism icon Guru Nahak. Last season, Nahak raised his BA 39 points, hit 12 more HRs and had 25 more RBI than the year prior. Nahak was extremely displeased with the jokes being made at his expense the first year and last year showed that he may be getting ready to make the leap.

[Vris]

Looking forward to the 3rd year.

Maybe Jesus can take Memphis to the next level.

[enigk]

May 1st, 3005

The month of April passes without a single cycle being hit - that's one for the record books with the way our deities have been cranking them out. The end of the month also saw 2 of our deities reaching the career 200 HR mark. Not too shabby for only two seasons + 1 month of play.

Monthly Highlights

4/2/3006 - Playing inspired baseball, Sikh icon Guru Nahak is first to make the news in the new season as he clubs 3 Home Runs in New Orleans' 9-6 victory over Raleigh. On the day, Nahak was 3-4 with 3 runs scored and 5 RBI.

4/5/3006 - Memphis LF Jesus Christ (.647 / 3 HR / 10 RBI) and 3005 UL MVP Altjira (.625 / 5 HR / 12 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

4/12/3006 - 3005 CL MVP Siddhartha Guatama continued to shine as his .611 / 4 HR / 10 RBI / 1.389 SLG performance for the week nets him his deity-leading 8th career Player of the Week Award. In the UL, Egyptian Sun God Ra (.625 / 5 HR / 11 RBI / 1.625 SLG) pulls down his 6th career PotW.

4/14/3006 - Raleigh 1B Ra opened a pyramid of whoop-ass on Stockton - going 5 for 5 with 3 HRs, 5 Runs scored and 4 RBI. Raleigh won the game 11-7 in Stockton.

4/18/3006 - Deities love the long ball - it was Khonvoum's time to shine as the Seattle LF clears the fence three times in a 10-3 win over Cincinnati. Khonvoum drove in 5 and scored 3.

4/19/3006 - Voodoo god and World Series Loser Bondje (.667 / 7 HR / 12 RBI) collects his 5th career PotW. In the UL, Pygmy Powerhouse Khonvoum (.542 / 9 HR / 17 RBI) is also awarded his 5th career Player of the Week Award.

4/22/3006 - Phoenix 2B Confucius has his 32 game hit streak snapped, as he goes 0 for 3 in a 13-8 win over New York.

4/24/3006 - Following Confucius' lead, Aboriginal deity Altjira has his 37 game hit streak snapped as he goes 0 for 2 with 2 walks in Lewiston's 11-5 loss to Pittsburgh.

4/24/3006 - Greensboro CF and Taoism icon Lao-tzu goes 5 for 5 at the plate with 2 HRs, 2 doubles, 4 RBI and 4 runs scored in an 11-1 smiting of Gadsden.

4/26/3006 - Roman god Jupiter (.571 / 16 RBI / 1.476 SLG) and Judaism icon Abraham (.500 / 14 RBI / 1.292 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

4/26/3006 - In the bottom of the 1st inning of their game against Oklahoma City, Norfolk 1B uKqili hits his 200th career Home Run, a 2 run shot, over the right-center field wall. On the day, uKqili was 3 for 4 with 4 RBI, 2 runs scored and a stolen base.

4/26/3006 - Phoenix 2B Confucius has a nice day as he goes 4 for 5 with 3 HRs, a double, 4 runs scored and 5 RBI in a 16-9 win in Chicago.

4/28/3006 - In the top of the 8th inning, Gadsden deity Odin hits his 200th career Home Run, a 2 run shot, over the left-center field wall. Odin was 2 for 5 with 3 RBI and a run scored, but Gadsden fell to Stockton 9-8.

5/1/3006 - Christianity icon and Memphis LF Jesus Christ (.523 / 16 HR / 40 RBI) and Sikh Guru Nahak (.511 / 22 HR / 50 RBI) win their league's Batter of the Month Awards. It was the first career BotM for both deities.

Deity BA Leader: Vishnu .568
Deity HR Leader: Viracocha 23
Deity RBI Leader: Guru Nahak 50
Deity SB Leader: Tekkeitsertok / Khonvoum 20

Career HR Leaderboard (Top 11)
1.) uKqili 200
1.) Odin 200
3.) Vishnu 189
4.) Mohammed 188
5.) Ra 185
5.) Altjira 185
7.) Apsu 184
7.) Hunab Ku 184
9.) Siddhartha Guatama 182
9.) Ometeotl 182
11.) Jesus Christ 175
11.) Satan 175

[enigk]

June 1st, 3006

The month of May saw Guru Nahak continuing to collect RBIs as fervently as Satan collects the souls of aspiring actors. Two months into the season, Nahak has driven in 94 runs, is averaging just under 2 RBI *per game* and is on pace to collect about 290 RBI. This would absolutely destroy the DCL Season RBI Record currently held by Gadsden's Norse God Odin, who collected 229 RBI in the DCL inaugural season. He is also averaging a HR every 4.5 at-bats and is on pace to finish the season with just under 120 HRs! This would also obliterate the current DCL Season HR record (95 by Ometeotl in 3004.) Obviously, two months are certainly not enough to discern anything more than possibilities, but those are some impressive possibilities...we'll keep our eyes on Guru Nahak to see if the New Orleans catcher can maintain a pace as torrid as Chasey Lain sucking down raw oysters.

Also, for the first time in DCL history (exlcuding the first week following the All-Star Breaks) a mere mortal has won a Player of the Week Award! We'll have to see if this is a wake-up call for our UL deities!

Monthly Highlights

5/1/3006 - Cincinnati Catcher Jupiter carries his team to victory with a 3 HR / 5 RBI day in an 11-10 win over Stockton.

5/1/3006 - Plenty of deities have homered 3 times in a game, but Atlanta Catcher Viracocha raised the bar as he homers in the first, third, sixth and ninth innings, going 4-5 with 4 HRs, 4 Runs Scored and 7 RBI. Viracocha's 9th inning Grand Slam turns out to be the difference as Oklahoma City scores twice in the bottom of the 9th, but loses the game 10-7.

5/3/3006 - Orlando CF Satan (.636 / 7 HR / 8 RBI / 1.773 SLG) and Cincinnati Catcher Jupiter (.667 / 8 HR / 10 RBI / 2.278 SLG) each win Player of the Week.

5/5/3006 - New York Catcher and Pueblo Indian deity Awonawilona goes 4 for 5 with 3 HRs, 3 runs scored and 7 RBI in New York's 11-6 win in Chicago.

5/5/3006 - Pittsburgh CF Ometeotl hits three solo homeruns in Pittsburgh's 11-6 win in Stockton. On the day, the Aztec God was 3 for 4, scored 4 runs and drove in 3.

5/10/3006 - Memphis LF Jesus Christ (.500 / 8 HR / 16 RBI / 1.467 SLG) wins his 5th career Player of the Week Award. In the UL, Columbus SS Vishnu (.692 / 6 RBI) pulls down his 5th career PotW.

5/11/3006 - Pittsburgh CF Ometeotl continued his fine month by collecting 5 hits (3 doubles, a triple and a home run) against New Orleans. Ometeotl scored 2 runs and drove in 5.

5/13/3006 - It took long enough - but Chicago RF Siddhartha Guatama hits the 37th cycle in league history against Atlanta. It wasn't enough, however, as Atlanta wins the game 6-5.

5/15/3006 - Hartford RF and Voodoo God Bondje goes 5 for 5 with two singles, a double, two home runs, 3 runs scored and 5 RBI in Hartford's 9-5 victory over Atlanta.

5/16/3006 - New Orleans' Catcher Guru Nahak had a good day in Seattle as he goes 6 for 6 at the plate with 2 singles, 2 doubles and 2 home runs. Nahak scored 3 runs and had 7 RBI.

5/17/3006 - Hartford RF Bondje (.684 / 9 RBI) and Greensboro CF Lao-tzu (.652 / 7 HR / 16 RBi / 1.826 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

5/23/3006 - Little Rock LF Zeus clubs 3 HRs and hits a double as he goes 4 for 4 with 4 runs scored and 6 RBI in a 9-7 win in Gadsden.

5/24/3006 - Norfolk 1B uKqili (.556 / 9 RBI / .609 OBP) and Cleveland Catcher Enlil (.688 / 6 HR / 14 RBI) win their respective league's Player of the Week Award.

5/29/3006 - Usually quiet Irish deity and El Paso RF Anu hits 3 HRs, scores 4 runs and drives in 5 in El Paso's 8-1 victory in Seattle. Anu remains the only deity to not have yet won a Player of the Week Award.

5/31/3006 - Hartford RF Bondje (.609 / 13 RBI / .640 OBP) wins his 7th career Player of the Week Award. In the UL, Greensboro RF and mere mortal Daniel Cooper (.542 / 12 RBI / 1.167 SLG) wins his first career Player of the Week Award - the first time the award has been granted to a non-deity in a week other than the first week after the All-Star Break. Cooper was humble upon receiving the news: "It's an honor, obviously," stated Cooper, "But I don't want to make a habit of it. I mean, sure, I want to do good and all, but my grandfather always told me: 'Never show up a god on the baseball field unless you want something really, really bad to happen to you or your family.' So I'll be keeping a closer eye on my numbers from here on out...I mean, I've got kids for god's sake!"

6/1/3006 - Hartford RF Bondje (.534 / 41 RBI) wins his 2nd career Batter of the Month Award in the CL. In the UL, Columbus SS Vishnu (.577 / 14 HR / 34 RBI) wins his 3rd career BotM.

Deity BA Leader: Vishnu .573
Deity HR Leader: Viracocha / Guru Nahak 40
Deity RBI Leader: Guru Nahak 94
Deity SB Leader: Jesus Christ 39

Top Ten Longest Deity HRs
1.) 555 feet - Guru Nahak
2.) 550 feet - Zeus
3.) 549 feet - Ra
4.) 544 feet - Ometeotl, Siddhartha Guatama
5.) 541 feet - Awonawilona, Guru Nahak
6.) 539 feet - Ra, Vishnu
7.) 537 feet - Ra
8.) 536 feet - Apsu, Siddhartha Guatama, Vishnu
9.) 534 feet - Jesus Christ
10.) 533 feet - Khonvoum, Lao-tzu (2), Mohammed, Odin

[Gastric ReFlux]

I love this Dynasty of the Gods. Considering Carlos Beltran's performance this offseason in our real world, any consideration inducting him into the Pantheon?

[enigk]

Originally Posted by Gastric ReFlux

I love this Dynasty of the Gods. Considering Carlos Beltran's performance this offseason in our real world, any consideration inducting him into the Pantheon?

In 3006, science is very close to being able to perform resurrection of deceased non-deities. In the 21st century, cloning seemed to be running to the forefront of "rebirthing" those who had been lost, but all of that changed in 2019. Following the release of Star Wars Episode XIV: Them Clones Sure Can Knit!, an outraged populace turned its rage against the Country of Lucasonia and burned down every single cloning lab in the world. People who had dedicated their entire lives to researching the cloning process not only walked away from their life's work, but burned their notes and underwent hypnotism to forget any and all details. Scientists working on the science of Non-Deity Resurrection are projecting that they should have some tangible results by 3015 - we shall have to see what the future holds...

[enigk]

July 1st, 3006

As we reach the All-Star Break, Guru Nahak continues to defy those who would desire to oppress him as he leads the DCL with 58 Home Runs and 127 RBI. His .506 BA is nothing to sneeze at either. Guru Nahak's performance has not gone unnoticed as the New Orleans Catcher has been selected to his first All-Star game.

"There comes a time in life when you have to ask yourself," proclaimed Nahak, "Am I going to let these naysayers drive me down, or am I going to use them to lift myself up to a better place? I have chosen the latter and you can read all about it in my upcoming self-help book/autobiography : The Basepath Less Traveled." Nahak then continued for 20 minutes listing off several Border's bookstores where he would be available for signings.

Our deity All-Star snubs list decreases by one each year it seems, as this year, only two deities will not be making the trip. 3005 World Series Champion and Post-Season MVP, Enlil, was not named to the starting squad. Enlil was cast in the lead of a DisneyPlanet commercial following his heartwarming success in last year's playoffs, but the offers have slowed dramatically this year. While many point to Enlil's .388 average (2nd lowest amongst deities) - Enlil claims that other deities have been spreading unfavorable rumors about him amongst Hollywood insiders.

The other deity who won't be suiting up for the 3006 All-Star game is Roman God and Cincinnati Catcher Jupiter. Jupiter has fared fairly well this season - his average is on par with other seasons and stands at .449, however his HR and RBI numbers have grown each of the past two years and projections say this year he will finish with impressive increases in those two categories again.

Monthly Highlights

6/1/3006 - Missing their star Satan, who was visiting a sick family member in Hell, Orlando is NO-HIT in Houston. A Thetan was 1 for 3 with an RBI single in the game, which Houston won 5-0.

6/7/3006 - It was yet another reason to drink for followers of the Irish deity Anu, as the Celtic Crusher was awarded his first career Player of the Week Award for his .619 / 9 RBI week. Anu was the lone remaining deity who had not received a Player of the Week Award. In the CL, uKqili (.500 / 11 RBI) was awarded his 9th PotW.

6/11/3006 - Mortal Ernie Banks once said "Let's play two!" Well, in Houston, Chicago and Houston pretty much played 2.1111 as their game was not decided until the 19th inning. The 6 hour and 24 minute marathon saw no runs scored in the 10th-17th innings, but the 18th and 19th held plenty of drama. Chicago scored a run in the top of the 18th to take the one run lead. In the bottom of the inning, Scientology icon A Thetan led off with a HR to RF to tie the game at 5 all. The deciding run came in the top of the 19th, as Buddhism icon Siddhartha Guatama led off the inning with a drive to deep Left-Center. Houston was unable to score in the bottom of the 19th. On the day, A Thetan was 3 for 6 at the plate with 2 doubles, a HR and two stolen bases. Siddhartha Guatama was 3 for 8 with a stolen base and the game-winning HR. It was a very bad day for Houston outfielder and mere mortal Dennis Castaneda, as he went 0 for 8 with 2 strikeouts.

6/12/3006 - Columbus Shortstop Vishnu, who was the first overall pick of the DCL, singlehandedly smites Gadsden as he goes 6 for 6 at the plate, hitting 2 singles, a double, 2 triples and a Grand Slam in the 15-6 routing. Vishnu stole a base, scored twice and drove in 7 runs on the day. It was the 38th cycle in league history and the first of Vishnu's career.

6/14/3006 - Once just wasn't enough, as Anu (.583 / 6 HR / 10 RBI / 1.417 SLG) wins his 2nd straight and 2nd career PotW Award. This leaves A Thetan as the low deity on the totem pole, as he is the only deity with just one PotW. In the CL, NY Catcher Awonawilona (.667 / 6 RBI / .760 OBP) is awarded Player of the Week.

6/15/3006 - Lewiston Catcher Altjira goes 5 for 5 with 2 singles, a double and 2 HRs in Lewiston's 14-5 drubbing of Seattle.

6/16/3006 - Zulu God and Norfolk 1B uKqili has 5 hits (a single, 2 doubles and 2 HRs) in Norfolk's 7-5 victory over Chicago. uKqili scored 2 runs and drove in 4 on the day.

6/18/3006 - Atlanta Catcher Viracocha hits the 39th cycle in league history but it wasn't enough as Atlanta is soundly trounced by Phoenix 12-5.

6/18/3006 - Not to be outdone, A Thetan hits the 40th cycle in the league's 2.5 year history. Thetan's cycle was enough for Houston, as they defeat visiting Oklahoma City 7-3.

6/21/3006 - Voodoo God Bondje (.647 / 12 RBI / 1.941 SLG) and Hindu deity Vishnu (.500 / 4 HR / 11 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

6/28/3006 - Phoenix 2B and Confucianism namesake Confucius (.579 / 9 RBI) wins his 5th career Player of the Week Award. In the UL, Gadsden 2B Odin (.650 / 3 HR / 9 RBI) wins his 4th career PotW.

6/29/3006 - Cincinnati Catcher and Roman God Jupiter hits 3 HRs and collects 5 RBI in Cincinnati's 7-3 win over Greensboro.

7/1/3006 - Norfolk 1B uKqili (.456 / 40 RBI / 1.156 SLG) and Gadsden 2B Odin (.578 / 33 RBI) are named Batters of the Month.

Deity BA Leader: Vishnu .549
Deity HR Leader: Guru Nahak 58
Deity RBI Leader: Guru Nahak 127
Deity SB Leader: Jesus Christ 57

Deity Career RBI Top 10
1.) Vishnu 523
2.) uKqili 516
3.) Odin 515
4.) Siddhartha Guatama 483
4.) Zeus 483
6.) Altjira 482
7.) Mohammed 480
8.) Ometeotl 477
9.) Jesus Christ 475
10.) Ra 474

[UngratefulDead]

Somewhat ironic that Christ leads the league in steals.

[enigk]

3006 DCL All-Star Game - July 1st, 3006

The CL has won the first two All-Star games in DCL History and a palatable sense of electricity seems to be buzzing through the UL squad. Whether this is a collective desire to win their first All-Star game or merely Zeus' thunderbolt remains to be seen. The first two All-Star games have also been extremely exciting and action-packed games which have been a godsend for scalpers as ticket demand has skyrocketed.

This year's Starting Lineups are as follows:

CL's Starting Line-Up
1.) C Viracocha (.477 / 49 HR / 94 RBI)
2.) 3B Jesus Christ (.446 / 46 HR / 100 RBI)
3.) 1B uKqili (.441 / 53 HR / 112 RBI)
4.) LF A Thetan (.456 / 39 HR / 91 RBI)
5.) SS Sidhartha Guatama (.453 / 43 HR / 95 RBI)
6.) RF Satan (.457 / 40 HR / 81 RBI)
7.) 2B Confucius (.446 / 45 HR / 96 RBI)
8.) CF Tekkeitsertok (.399 / 33 HR / 95 RBI)
9.) P Joseph Palmer (11-1 / 3.46 ERA / 97 K's)

UL's Starting Line-Up
1.) CF Mohammed (.404 / 38 HR / 80 RBI)
2.) LF Zeus (.389 / 28 HR / 77 RBI)
3.) SS Hunab Ku (.440 / 50 HR / 108 RBI)
4.) C Guru Nahak (.506 / 58 HR / 127 RBI)
5.) 1B Vishnu (.549 / 43 HR / 102 RBI)
6.) 3B Odin (.515 / 44 HR / 94 RBI)
7.) 2B Ra (.478 / 45 HR / 100 RBI)
8.) LF Lao-tzu (.442 / 43 HR / 90 RBI)
9.) P Manuel Ortega (8-4 / 3.80 ERA / 107 K's)


GAME RECAP

Top of the 1st - Viracocha strode to the plate to start the game and took a cut at the very first pitch. It was lined into shallow right field, but Zeus made a very nice sliding catch to rob him of the hit. Jesus Christ was next up - he worked the count full and drew the walk. Zulu God uKqili also worked the count full and fouled off a 3-2 pitch into the upper deck down the right field line. Jesus just avoided being picked off of first and uKqili flew out to Mohammed in CF for the 2nd out. A Thetan strode to the plate and watched the first pitch go by for the strike as Jesus Christ easily stole 2nd base. A Thetan took a cut at a 1-2 changeup and popped out to 1B Vishnu for the third out.

CL 0 / UL 0

Bottom of the 1st - Mohammed started things off for the UL by grounding a rocket between 1st and 2nd, but 1B uKqili made a fantastic diving grab and flipped the ball to the mortal pitcher who was covering first for the out. Zeus followed and grounded a rocket between 3rd and Short which Jesus Christ made a wonderful diving stop to snag and fired it to first for the 2nd out on back-to-back crowd-wowing defensive plays. Mayan God Hunab Ku was next up for the UL and worked the count full before driving a ball over 1B uKqili's head and down into the corner for the stand-up double. Guru Nahak was next up and seemed a little nervous in his first All-Star AB as he popped up behind the plate to the Catcher, Viracocha, to put an end to the inning.

CL 0 / UL 0

Top of the 2nd - SS Sidhartha Guatama led things off for the CL and drove a 2-2 pitch down the left field line that just barely hooked foul. He fouled off a couple more pitches and then took the walk. Satan watched the first pitch sail past for Ball 1 as Guatama was gunned down trying to steal 2nd. Now with one out and nobody on base, Satan popped a 3-1 pitch into CF which was easily gloved by Mohammed for the 2nd out. 2B Confucius was next up and hit an easy grounder to Hunab Ku at SS for the third out and leaving the CL hitless thus far through the game.

CL 0 / UL 0

Bottom of the 2nd - The #5 hitter, Vishnu came to the plate and crushed an 0-2 curveball over the left-center field wall to get the UL on the board. Odin belted a 3-2 pitch down the left field line that just curved foul. On the next pitch, he took a mighty swing, but missed the ball for the strikeout. Egyptian Sun God Ra grounded out to first for the second out. Lao-tzu was next up and grounded a 2-0 pitch to Jesus Christ at 3B who threw to uKqili at first to end the inning.

CL 0 / UL 1

Top of the 3rd - Philly's RF Tekkeitsertok drove one into the right-center field gap which Zeus ran down for a nice catch. Mortal pitcher Joseph Palmer struck out swinging. Next up, Incan God Viracocha grounded one past 3B Odin for the CL's first hit of the game. Jesus Christ left the bat on his shoulder for Ball 1 as Viracocha successfully stole second base. Christ took a cut at the very next pitch, but chopped it to the pitcher for the 3rd out.

CL 0 / UL 1

Bottom of the 3rd - Mere mortal pitcher Manuel Ortega came to the plate and struck out looking. Mohammed followed with a line drive single to right. Zeus took a pitch as Mohammed stole second. With a man on second and one out, Zeus blooped one into right-center for the base hit, putting men on the corners. Hunab Ku cut a 1-2 pitch right at SS Sidhartha Guatama for what looked like a perfect double play ball, but Siddhartha bobbled the ball pulling it from his glove, allowing Mohammed to score and putting men on first and second with one out. Guatama remained amazingly calm following the error. Guru Nahak was next to bat and flew lazily out to A Thetan in left field. Having already drove in the only run of the game thus far, Vishnu drove a 1-0 fastball into the right-center field gap for a 2 RBI double, giving the UL a 3-0 lead. Norse God Odin was next up and he flew out to Tekkeitsertok in CF for the 3rd out.

CL 0 / UL 4

Top of the 4th - The UL trotted out pitcher James Gwynn to start the 4th and he walked uKqili on 5 pitches. uKqili attempted to steal second base on the next pitch but was gunned down by UL Catcher Guru Nahak. A Thetan worked the count full and fouled off a number of pitches before finally grounding out to Odin at 3B for the 2nd out. Siddhartha Guatama delivered more of the same, as his groundout to Odin ended the CL's half of the inning.

CL 0 / UL 4

Bottom of the 4th - The CL brought pitcher Robert Cram into the game to face the UL deities and Ra flew out to left for the first out. Lao-tzu drove one into the left-center field gap. He tried to stretch the hit into a triple, but was gunned down on a great throw from A Thetan. The pitcher, Gwynn, was up next and lined out to uKqili at first to end the inning.

CL 0 / UL 4

Top of the 5th - With his trademark entrance music of 'Highway to Hell' blaring through the PA system, Satan led things off for the CL in the 5th. The Father of All Lies tried to sneak his way on by bunting, but bunted the first two pitches foul. On a 3-2 pitch, Satan got one in his wheelhouse and drove it just over the CF wall to put the CL on the board. Confucius came to the plate and got a hold of a 1-1 slider, driving it over the wall in left-center for back-to-back home runs, cutting the lead to 2. Philly RF Tekkeitsertok came up and he crushed a 1-0 curveball into the right field bleachers for back-to-back-to-back home runs! With the lead now down to 1, the UL made a pitching change and brought in mortal Adolfo Rao. The CL countered with pinch hitting Bondje for the pitcher. Bondje worked the count full and blooped one into shallow center, but Mohammed made a sliding catch to rob Bondje of the hit for the first out of the inning. Viracocha was next up and lined a 1-1 pitch into the RF corner for a stand-up double. Jesus Christ came up to the plate for the CL and took the walk on 5 pitches, putting men on first and second with 1 out for Zulu God uKqili. The CL continued to go for throat as Viracocha and Jesus Christ successfully double stole - putting men on 2nd and 3rd with one out. uKqili took a cut at the next pitch and lined into the right field corner for a 2 RBI double, giving the CL a 5-4 lead. A Thetan was obviously looking breaking ball and couldn't catch up to a 1-2 fastball for the strikeout. Now, with two out and a man on second, Siddhartha Guatama attoned for his fielding error by working the count full, fouling off a number of pitches, and finally driving a 3-2 slider into the left field seats for the 2 run HR, giving the CL a 7-4 lead. The United League countered with another pitching change, bringing in mortal Alfonso Esparza to face Satan, who led off the inning for the CL with a homerun. Satan had a nice cut at a 1-1 fastball, but grounded out to Ra at 2nd base to end the CL half of the inning.

CL 7 / UL 4

Bottom of the 5th - Mere mortal William Rafter took the mound for the CL in the bottom of the 5th and Islamic icon Mohammed welcomed him to the game by driving a 2-1 changeup into the right field seats to cut the lead to 2. Zeus was next up and took another mighty cut, but got underneath the ball and popped it straight up behind the plate. Incan God Viracocha easily made the catch for the first out. Hunab Ku was first pitch swinging and grounded out to short. Guru Nahak got his first All-Star hit as he blasted a 1-2 slider just past the glove of a leaping A Thetan for the solo HR just over the LF wall. Vishnu was next to bat and the DCL Batting Leader drove one right at uKqili at first for the third out.

CL 7 / UL 6

Top of the 6th - 2B Confucius started the inning by popping out to Ra at 2B. Tekkeitsertok was next and rifled one between 1st and 2nd, but Ra made an amazing diving stop and fired to first from his knees for the 2nd out. NY Catcher and Pueblo Indian God Awonawilona pinch hit for the pitcher and fouled out to Odin at 3B for the third out.

CL 7 / UL 6

Bottom of the 6th - Facing new CL pitcher Trey Breece, Odin drove a ball to left-center, but Tekkeitsertok got under it for the first out. Ra was next and grounded out to the pitcher. Lao-tzu grounded out to Confucius at 2B to end the inning.

CL 7 / UL 6

Top of the 7th - Babylonian God Apsu pinch hit for Viracocha at the top of the line-up. He took a cut at a 1-0 fastball and grounded out to SS. Abraham pinch hit for Jesus Christ and bounced out to Ra at second base. The UL brought in mortal pitcher Ricky Alonso as uKqili was pinch hit for by mortal Charles Melton. Melton responded by grounding out to the pitcher for the 3rd out.

CL 7 / UL 6

Bottom of the 7th - Aboriginal deity Altjira pinch hit for the pitcher to lead off the UL half of the 7th and he demolished the first pitch he saw, depositing it into the right field seats to tie the game at 7-7. The Pygmy Powerhouse, Khonvoum, pinch hit for Mohammed at the top of the line-up and, after working the count full, grounded out to second base for the first out. Irish deity Anu replaced Zeus at the plate and grounded a blistering ball right at Abraham who somehow managed to corral it and toss it to the pitcher covering first for the second out of the inning. Aztec God Ometeotl came in to hit for Hunab Ku and drew the walk. Guru Nahak was next up and watched patiently as Ometeotl stole second. The next pitch Nahak saw, he absolutely obliterated to left-center. The CL outfielders didn't even bother to move, because everyone knew it was gone the moment it left the bat. Nahak's 2nd HR of the game gave the UL a 9-7 lead. The CL responded with a pitching change, bringing in mortal Samual Sorensen. Mortal Hugo Rodriguez was brought in to pinch hit for Vishnu and Sorensen got him to fly lazily out to left field to end the inning.

CL 7 / UL 9

Top of the 8th - The UL brought in mortal pitcher Ricky Gutierrez who left a 2-0 curveball hanging over the meat of the plate and A Thetan made him pay for it by crushing it into the left-center field seats, cutting the lead to 1. Siddhartha Guatama then lined a single over the SS. Satan was next to bat and drew the walk, putting men on first and second with no outs. Confucius then walked on four straight pitches. With the bases loaded and no outs, Philly's RF Tekkeitsertok came to the plate. He drove a 3-0 pitch into the Right-center field gap, scoring Guatama and Satan. Confucius tried to score from first, but was gunned down at the plate by Ometeotl. With Tekkeitsertok on 2nd, one out and a 10-9 lead, mortal Chadwick Isabel pinch hit for the pitcher and drove an RBI single into RF. The mortal RF tried to gun down Tekkeitsertok at home but failed, which allowed Isabel to go to 2nd. Apsu flied out to CF for the 2nd out. Abraham came to the plate and walked on 5 pitches, putting men on first and second. Mortal Charles Melton went down swinging to end the inning.

CL 11 / UL 9

Bottom of the 8th - The CL brought in mortal pitcher George Bustamante as the UL pinch hit for Odin with mortal Ryan Brawley. Brawley worked the count full but went down looking on a fastball which caught the inside corner of the plate. Ra drew the walk. Bustamante pitched out twice, but Ra was not stealing. Lao-tzu drew the full count walk, putting men on first and second with one out. With one bat left on their bench, the UL allowed pitcher Ricky Gutierrez to bat and he advanced the runners on sacrifice bunt to the pitcher. The fans cheered as Pygmy Powerhouse Khonvoum strode to the plate as the go-ahead run, but he flew a lazy fly ball into CF which Tekkeitsertok grabbed to end the inning.

CL 11 / UL 9

Top of the 9th - A Thetan led things off for the CL and drove one into left field which Lao-tzu squeezed at the track for the first out. Next was Siddhartha Guatama, who lined one into the left field corner for a stand-up double, his third hit of the game. A wild pitch to Satan advanced Guatama to 3rd and Satan drove one into the left-center field gap for the RBI double, expanding the CL lead to 3. Confucius followed with an RBI single just past a leaping Anu at SS. Confucius stole second with Tekkeitsertok at the plate who took a huge cut at an 0-2 fastball, but missed for the strikeout. With a man on 2nd, two outs and one bat left on the bench, the CL let pitcher George Bustamante hit. Bustamante responded by driving an RBI single into left-center field, the first hit of his career. Although mortal pitcher Ricky Gutierrez was exhausted and getting knocked around, the UL left him in. He walked Apsu to put runners on first and second. He then walked Abraham to load the bases as a chorus of boos rained down from the stands for the poor management by the UL All-Star coach. Gutierrez walked another, giving mortal Charles Melton the free pass, scoring Bustamante from 3rd. Now leading 15-9 and with the bases loaded, 1 for 5 on the day A Thetan strode to the plate hit a 2 RBI single between first and second. With runners on the corners, Siddhartha Guatama came to the plate and drew Gutierrez's 7th walk to reload the bases. That brought up Satan, who dribbled a weak grounder towards the mortal 3B who had been playing back for an RBI infield single. Confucius was next up and he popped a 1-0 pitch into left field, compassionately ending the inning. Those few fans who remained in the stands booed heartily as the UL All-Stars left the field. The boos were not directed at the deities, but rather at the UL coach, Grady Little XIX, for leaving in Gutierrez FAR too long and quite probably costing the UL the game.

CL 18 / UL 9

Bottom of the 9th - Irish deity Anu led off the bottom of the 9th for the UL and pulled a trick out of his sleeve as he dropped down a beautiful bunt single. Ometeotl lined one down the third base line for a double. Anu was desperate to try and get the UL back in the game and tried to score from first, but was gunned down at the plate by A Thetan. Guru Nahak was next up and the first pitch went wild, allowing Ometeotl to advance to third. Guru Nahak flew lightly out to CF, but it was deep enough to score a tagging Ometeotl. Now, with two outs and no one on, the crowd began to file out of the park as mortal Hugo Rodriguez came to the plate. Rodriguez kept the hope alive by lining a single over third. Next up was mortal Ryan Brawley, who watched a 2-2 fastball cruise right down broadway to strike out looking to end the game.

FINAL SCORE: CL 18 / UL 10

The CL wins its third straight All-Star game, 18-10. Although, they couldn't have done it without the help of the UL manager, Grady Little XIX, who left UL Closer Ricky Gutierrez in for two full innings as he surrendered 10 hits, 11 Earned Runs and 7 walks with several starting pitchers sitting in the bullpen chomping at the bit. "I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed an exhausted and frustrated Gutierrez, "I'm looking over at him and shaking my head 'No' and he just sits there eating sunflower seeds and looking at me like some kind of invalid!" Gutierrez then walked away muttering a string of Spanish profanities.

No one has seen Little following the game - when asked if they knew his whereabouts, each and every UL deity paused, smiled and denied that they had seen him. When asked why his jersey was covered in blood, Aztec God Ometeotl declared, "I...cut myself shaving. We deities...we have a lot more blood than mortals, you know."

On a brighter note, CL Deity and Orlando CF Satan was named the All-Star MVP for his 3 for 5, 3 runs scored, 3 RBI and a HR performance. Satan was first congratulated by last year's All-Star Game MVP, Jesus Christ who gave the deity a hug and playfully rubbed his horns. "It's an honor," noted Satan, "I mean, this is the cream of the crop in this game right here and to be named the MVP out of this group is a really good feeling. I would like to thank myself, my followers, the fans of Orlando and UL Coach Little, may he rest in peace."

So, what was shaping up to be a great finish ends with a fizzling whimper as urine-poor managing by the UL opens the door wide open for the CL to blow the game into pieces.

[enigk]

August 1st, 3006

The month of July sees one of our deities on the verge of breaking a record which has stood for 1065 years, another of our deities being felled by injury, the first deity to reach 250 Career HRs and the requisite mortals winning PotW following the All-Star Game.

Guru Nahak's early-season success seems to have been going to his head as his average and power numbers have been in a free-fall. Nahak has put up monthly averages of .511, .522, .482 and .439 and HR/RBI numbers of 22/50, 18/44, 18/33 and 13/28. We'll have to see if Nahak can right the ship to close out the season.

Monthly Highlights

7/4/3006 - A normally happy holiday turns ugly for Babylonians and Oklahoma City fans everywhere as their deity and starting SS, Apsu, suffers a Strained Rotator Cuff Muscle and will miss at least 5-6 weeks. Apsu was extremely displeased following the injury and was visibly angered in the post-game press conference. "They say I am lucky that it is just a strain and not a tear," began Apsu, wearing a Steve Balboni throwback jersey, "To which I reply, it is lucky for you people that I cannot move my arm or else the streets would flow with your blood as I picked my teeth with your bones."

On the season, Apsu has hit .464 / 41 HR / 99 RBI. The woes were twofold for Oklahoma City as not only did they lose Apsu in the 2nd inning, they lost the game 10-0 in Phoenix.

7/4/3006 - It was a happy holiday for Greek God Zeus, who jacks 3 HRs with 4 RBI in Little Rock's 7-4 win over Seattle.

7/5/3006 - For the third year in a row, mere mortals are awarded Player of the Week Awards immediately following the All-Star Break as human pitchers Norman Strack (2-0 / 2.08) and James Gwynn (1-0 / 3.38 / 9K's) get the nod. Inside sources at the commissioner's office say that next year, this PotW Award will be officially renamed to the "Token Human PotW Award". We'll keep you posted as we hear more.

7/6/3006 - Raleigh's 1B and Egyptian Sun God Ra is 5 for 5 at the plate with 2 singles, 2 triples, a home run and 3 RBI in Raleigh's 13-7 win in Pittsburgh.

7/6/3006 - Greensboro CF Lao-tzu collects 5 hits in 6 trips to the plate with a double, 4 HRs, 5 runs scored and 8 RBI in Greensboro's 16-7 clubbing of Gadsden.

7/11/3006 - Voodoo God Bondje hits the 42nd cycle in league history while driving in 4 runs in Hartford's 10-6 win in Phoenix.

7/11/3006 - Taoism icon Lao-tzu makes the news again as he collects another 5 hits in Greensboro's 12-11 win over Columbus. On the day, Lao-tzu was 5 for 6 with 3 HRs, 4 runs scored and 5 RBI.

7/12/3006 - Hartford RF Bondje (.750 / 5 HR / 17 RBI / 1.875 SLG) and Greensboro CF Lao-tzu (.586 / 10 HR / 18 RBI) are easy choices for Player of the Week Awards.

7/15/3006 - 4 days after hitting the 42nd cycle in league history, Bondje hits the 43rd. It was Bondje's 6th career cycle, putting him 2 cycles ahead of 2nd place deities uKqili and Viracocha. On the day, Bondje was 4 for 5 from the plate with 6 RBI and a stolen base. It was more than enough for Hartford, as they topple the host Philadelphia squad 11-4.

7/16/3006 - Enlil has had a hard paper route following his World Series victory. On this day, Enlil is 0 for 3 at the plate with a walk and Cleveland is NO-HIT by Gadsden mortal Michael "Stinky" Lechner. Gadsden only managed one run on four hits, but it was enough as the Cleveland bats couldn't wake up. "I can't me-damn believe we were no-hit by someone named 'Stinky'!" Enlil could be overheard yelling from a closed-door team meeting. Enlil might not be in too much of a position to talk, as his .409 average and 47 HRs are currently 21st amongst deities.

7/19/3006 - Voodoo God Bondje continues to make a run for the MVP AND Triple Crown as his .643 / 16 RBI / .714 OBP earns him another Player of the Week Award, the Deity-Leading 10th of his career. In the UL, Irish deity Anu (.680 / 15 RBI) is also pushing for MVP and the Triple Crown and is awarded his 3rd career PotW.

7/19/3006 - Oft-mentioned Bondje carries his Hartford teammates to victory with a 3 HR, 6 RBI day in an 11-6 win over Atlanta.

7/22/3006 - Columbus Shortstop Vishnu does his Hindu followers proud as he collects the 44th cycle in league history in a 12-11 win in Seattle.

7/24/3006 - Zulu God and Norfolk 1B uKqili crushes 3 longballs and collecting 5 RBI in Norfolk's 12-4 win over Atlanta.

7/25/3006 - New York Catcher Awonawilona has a nice day, going 4 for 5 from the plate with 3 HRs, 4 runs scored and 6 RBI in NY's 8-7 win over oft-beaten Atlanta.

7/26/3006 - Scientology icon A Thetan (.550 / 5 HRs / 10 RBI) and Hindu deity Vishnu (.565 / 15 RBI / .615 OBP) win Player of the Week Awards.

7/27/3006 - In the bottom of the 6th inning of Norfolk's game against Oklahoma City, uKqili hits a 431 foot 3-run HR over the CF wall to become the first deity to reach the 250 career HR milestone. It wasn't enough, however, as Norfolk falls at home 9-7.

7/29/3006 - With Enlil missing the game to receive an honorary doctorate from Texas Tech University, his Cleveland teammates are NO-HIT for the 2nd time in a month, this time at home and by Lewiston mortal Russell "The Spade" Miller. The Cleveland manager said after the game that Enlil will not be allowed to miss any games where the opposing starting pitcher has a nickname.

8/1/3006 - Bondje (.620 / 49 RBI / 1.446 SLG) and El Paso RF Anu (.532 / 20 HR / 54 RBI) win Batter of the Month Awards. It is Bondje's 3rd Career BotM and Anu's 1st.

8/1/3006 - El Paso RF and Irish deity Anu is sitting on a 50 game hitting streak, only 6 games away from tying the 1065 year old record held by Joe DiMaggio of 56 games. Anu has refused to speak of the streak or even acknowledge it publicly. A very superstitious Anu has also refused to change any of the routines which occurred when the streak began. Every day, he has the same breakfast, "accidentally" pisses on his left shoe while at a urinal and has even refused to change or wash the clothes he has been wearing. In the El Paso heat, this has led to some rather pungent aromas clearing sections of the bleachers on windy days. El Paso and teams hosting El Paso have offered unusual promotions such as: "Gas Mask Night" and "Free Clothespin Day" to help their fans cope with the smell.

El Paso is in Gadsden for a 4 game series, has a day off and is then in Seattle for a three game series. Assuming Anu doesn't take any days off during the week and continues the streak, the record projects to be broken Sunday, August 8th in Seattle. If Anu does sit for any of those games, El Paso is back home to host Columbus in a 4 game series. So far this season, Anu has hit .588 against Gadsden, .625 against Seattle and .478 against Columbus. The world has its collective eyes on the Irish deity - will he be able to break the millenium-old record?

edit:
Deity BA Leader: Vishnu .546 (+.008 over 2nd place)
Deity HR Leader: Guru Nahak 71 (+4 over 2nd place)
Deity RBI Leader: Bondje / Guru Nahak 155 (+5 over 2nd place)
Deity SB Leader: Jesus Christ 72 (+6 over 2nd place)

Top Career Player of the Week Award Winners
1.) Bondje 10
2.) uKqili 9
3.) Siddhartha Guatama 8
4.) Vishnu 7
5.) Apsu 6
5.) Enlil 6
5.) Ometeotl 6
5.) Ra 6
5.) Zeus 6
10.) 7 deities tied at 5

[UngratefulDead]

Always hilarious

"me-damn" was particularly classic.

[enigk]

Originally Posted by UngratefulDead

Always hilarious

"me-damn" was particularly classic.

Many thanks, UD!

[enigk]

September 1st, 3006

It was a drama filled month as Anu stood on the verge of setting a new all-time Hitting Streak record - long thought to be one of the least touchable records in baseball. Anu's hot hitting has gotten El Paso (85-51) an 8 game cushion in the UL Northwest while the CL's best record belongs to CL East Charlotte (80-56) thanks to Judaism icon Abraham making a late-season surge. However, Charlotte is a mere 3 games in front of the second best CL Team and division-mate Memphis (77-59) as Jesus Christ turns up the heat. As teams jockey for playoff position, it should be interesting to see which of our deities step up and which ones fall down.

Monthly Highlights

8/1/3006 - Anu has a well-deserved day off in Gadsden. Gadsden wins 10-1. HITTING STREAK - 50 games

8/2/3006 - Anu goes 2 for 5 with 2 doubles and 2 runs scored in El Paso's 8-6 win in Gadsden. HITTING STREAK - 51 games.

8/2/3006 - Charlotte 3B Abraham (.500 / 6 HR / 19 RBI) and Cleveland Catcher Enlil (.750 / 5 HR / 12 RBI / 1.650 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

8/3/3006 - Anu has a fantastic game, 3 for 3, a triple, a home run, a run scored, 2 RBI and a stolen base as El Paso squeaks past Gadsden 5-3. HITTING STREAK - 52 games.

8/4/3006 - El Paso manages only 4 hits against Gadsden, but one of them was obtained by Anu (a 2 run HR) to keep the streak alive. HITTING STREAK - 53 games.

8/5/3006 - El Paso has the day off as they travel to Seattle for a 3 game series. HITTING STREAK - 53 games.

8/6/3006 - Anu goes 3 for 5 at the plate with a double, 2 HRs, 2 runs scored, 3 RBI and a Stolen Base as El Paso beats Seattle, 5-2. HITTING STREAK - 54 games.

8/7/3006 - Plenty of nail-biting occurred as it came down to the wire for Anu. In Seattle's 8-4 victory over El Paso, Anu was held hitless until the top of the 9th, when he roped a 2-out double into the gap in left-center field. An uproarious cheer went up from the Seattle crowd as Anu came one step closer to tying the Hitting Streak record which has stood for so long. Anu himself let out a huge sigh of relief as he called for time and tipped his batting helmet to the crowd. HITTING STREAK - 55 games.

8/8/3006 - Mortal Nelson Mendoza got the start for Seattle on this Sunday, to try and be known as the pitcher who stopped Anu just on the doorstep of a record. Mendoza came into the game with a 6-8 record in 25 starts and a 5.28 ERA. Distant relatives of Joe DiMaggio sat in the stands behind the El Paso dugout waiting to see if their relative's record would be tied. Mendoza retired the first two batters in the first, which brought up Anu, the #3 hitter. On a 2-1 fastball, Anu rifled a line drive into the left-center field gap and easily cruised into 2B for a stand-up double to tie the Hitting Streak Record of 56! The Seattle crowd gave Anu a standing ovation that lasted just shy of 15 minutes as fireworks lit the night sky. Anu was overjoyed and ran a quick victory lap around the field, high-fiving those lucky enough to have field-side seats. The ball was immediately shepherded to a representative of the DCL who was flanked by two armed guards. Anu grounded out to 2B in the third inning, lined out to 2B in the 5th, singled to LF in the 8th, hit an RBI double in the 9th, scored the tying run in the top of the 9th and grounded out to 1B in the 11th. El Paso scored three unanswered runs in the top of the 11th to win the game, 10-7.

In his post-game press conference, Anu spoke briefly to the hundreds of press who had assembled for the game. "First, I would like to thank the DiMaggio relatives," began Anu, with a rolling Irish brogue, "They have been just lovely through all this and oh so supportive. I am very humbled to be the one to tie, and possibly break their ancestor's record. On many occasions, I've offered them my Lucky Charms, but they wouldn't hear of it. My horseshoe, four-leaf clover, blue diamonds...they said no each and every time. Also, I would like to thank the fans of El Paso and of my work and omnipotence. And last, but certainly not least, I'd like to thank the inventors of Guinness for their fine, fine work. Now let's all get pissed!" HITTING STREAK - 56 games

8/9/3006 - Having just tied the Hit Streak record the night before, Anu had opened the door and stood ready to set the bar higher as he was back home to face Columbus on a warm Monday night. Columbus sent mortal Harry Sartin to the mound to try and halt the streak. Sartin had a record of 15-5 in 25 starts and a 3.52 ERA. The DiMaggio relatives overlooked the field as guests in the owner's box. In the top of the first, Vishnu crushed a 2 run HR to put Columbus up, 2-0, but the crowd had bigger things on their minds and the party atmosphere in the stands didn't waver. Sartin retired the first two El Paso batters to bring up Anu with no one on and two outs. Anu saw a 2-1 Slider that he liked and drove it deep into the right-center field gap. As the ball hit the outfield grass, the crowd erupted as the celebrating began. Anu ended up sliding into third base for the two-out triple - his 57th consecutive game with at least one hit! The stands were absolute bedlam for 20 minutes which felt like an eternity as the sky exploded with fireworks and the catchiest of stadium tunes blared over the PA system. Upon the umpire's 'Safe' call, Anu was instantly mobbed by his teammates and the Columbus 3B rushed through fans who had run onto the field, some of whom who were trying to steal the record-breaking ball from him. "One guy friggin' *bit* me!" Columbus' All-Star mortal 3B Ryan Brawley said following the game, "I mean, let Anu have the ball - he's earned it! Luckily for me, though, our SS Vishnu saw who bit me and let's just say he won't be biting anyone ever again." 37 minutes after Anu's hit, the game was resumed. On the first pitch, mortal El Paso 1B William Trask grounded a rocket up the middle, scoring Anu from 3rd as the crowd continued to cheer. The crowd cheered every time Anu came out of the dugout - be it to take his position in the field or to step into the on-deck circle. The cheering only got louder as Anu stepped to the plate. The rest of the game, Anu singled in the 4th, grounded out to SS in the 6th and walked *twice* in the 8th as El Paso batted around. El Paso scored 6 runs in the bottom of the 8th, much to the continued delight of the hometown crowd, as El Paso comes back to beat Columbus 10-8.

Following the game, Anu was unavailable for comment, but two photocrews managed to record footage of Anu drunkenly stumbling into the back of a limo with 7 very attractive and shapely red-headed women...to the victors go the spoils. HITTING STREAK - 57 GAMES.

8/9/3006 - Judaism icon Abraham (.565 / 5 HR / 11 RBI) wins another CL Player of the Week Award as Pittsburgh's Ometeotl (.583 / 5 HR / 12 RBI) takes home the UL Award.

8/10/3006 - Anu continues the streak as he doubles and homers in El Paso's 10-9 victory over Columbus. HITTING STREAK - 58 GAMES.

8/10/3006 - Roman Father God Jupiter parks three Home Runs and collects 7 RBI in Cincinnati's 18-8 smiting of Gadsden.

8/11/3006 - Anu doubles, triples and homers in El Paso's 7-2 win over Columbus. HITTING STREAK - 59 GAMES.

8/12/3006 - Anu doubles in the 7th inning to extend the streak, but El Paso falls to Columbus, 10-3. HITTING STREAK - 60 GAMES.

8/12/3006 - First overall pick of the DCL, Vishnu, hits 3 solo HRs in Columbus' 10-3 win over El Paso.

8/13/3006 - New team, same streak - Anu doubles in El Paso's 10-7 victory over visiting Raleigh. HITTING STREAK - 61 GAMES.

8/14/3006 - Anu takes a well-deserved break, watching from the bench as El Paso falls to Raleigh, 10-2. HITTING STREAK - 61 GAMES.

8/15/3006 - Anu doubles, his only hit in 4 AB, and steals a base in El Paso's 10-7 win over Raleigh. HITTING STREAK - 62 GAMES.

8/16/3006 - El Paso gets 7 hits in their 6-5 victory over Stockton, but Anu is held to 0 for 4, his first hitless game since June 17th. The Stockton crowd gave a standing ovation for Anu as he left the field after the final out and he acknowledged the crowd by tipping his hat and waving. "I am kind of glad it's over," acknowledged Anu in a post-game interview, "It gets to be a little much. I enjoyed the support from the fans and to create excitement for everyone was grand, but the pressure was getting to be too much to bear. I just want to go home, relax, kick back with a Guinness and watch Limerick totally kick Liverpool's arses all over the field." So, history has been made as Anu's streak is halted at 62 games. It took 1065 years for the 56 game record to be broken, but if anyone could challenge it - it's our deities.

8/16/3006 - NY Catcher Awonawilona (.560 / 7 HR / 14 RBI) and Taoism icon Lao-tzu (.550 / 13 RBI / .583 OBP) win Player of the Week Awards.

8/19/3006 - Gadsden 2B Odin parks three long balls and collects 5 RBI in an 11-4 victory over Columbus.

8/23/3006 - Scientology icon and Houston LF A Thetan (.750 / 7 RBI / 1.500 SLG) and Hindu deity Vishnu (.611 / 12 RBI) win PotW Awards.

8/25/3006 - Irish deity Anu continues a magnificent 2nd half of the season as he hits 2 doubles, a triple and 2 HRs while collecting 4 RBI in an 8-7 victory in Lewiston.

8/30/3006 - Inuit deity Tekkeitsertok (.609 / 7 HR / 9 RBI) and El Paso RF Anu (.676 / 8 HR / 18 RBI / 1.647 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

8/31/3006 - Sumerian God Enlil hits the 45th cycle in league history (Enlil's 2nd career cycle) as Cleveland defeats Little Rock, 9-2 in Arkansas.

9/1/3006 - Charlotte 3B Abraham (.515 / 20 HR / 46 RBI) is named the Continental League Batter of the Month. Irish deity Anu (.514 / 46 RBI / 1.280 SLG) adds his 2nd career Batter of the Month trophy to his mantle.

Deity BA Leader: Vishnu .527 (+.006 over 2nd place - Anu)
Deity HR Leader: Guru Nahak 84 (+3 over 2nd place - Anu)
Deity RBI Leader: Anu 196 (+5 over 2nd place - Abraham)
Deity SB Leader: Jesus Christ 86 (+4 over 2nd place - Satan)

DEITY CAREER STRIKEOUT LEADERS
1.) Confucius 36
2.) Zeus 35
3.) Awonawilona 32
3.) Mohammed 32
5.) Siddhartha Guatama 30
6.) Altjira 27
6.) Hunab Ku 27
6.) Lao-tzu 27
9.) uKqili 26
9.) Jesus Christ 26

[enigk]

October 1st, 3006

With 1 game left on the docket, 5 of our 6 division winners have been decided. In the Continental League, Houston (A Thetan), Charlotte (Abraham) and Hartford (Bondje) have clinched their respective division titles. The CL Wildcard spot has been sewn up by Memphis (Jesus Christ) who held off a late surge by Confucius and his Phoenix teammates.

In the United League, Little Rock (Zeus) and Lewiston (Altjira) have clinched their divisions while Columbus (Vishnu) and El Paso (Anu) are tied for the division lead. On the bright side for both players, the loser of the division will be awarded the Wildcard spot, so both of these teams are in. El Paso had held an 8 game lead going into the month, but Columbus has been hard-charging and have evened the division.

For the third year, a Triple Crown may very well be won as United League deity Anu, who last month set a new all-time hitting streak record, leads the UL in Average (.521 to Vishnu's .515), Home Runs (94 to Hunab Ku's 92) and RBIs (227 to Vishnu's 220). With one game left to play, can Anu maintain the lead in Average and HRs to grab the Triple Crown?

Also it should be noted that one of our playoff teams' deities has been felled by an injury that will keep them out of the lineup for the remainder of the playoffs...

Monthly Highlights

9/4/3006 - Buddhism icon Siddhartha Guatama hits two singles, a double and two Home Runs with 5 runs scored and 2 RBI in Chicago's 15-8 win in Phoenix.

9/6/3006 - Inuit deity Tekkeitsertok (.652 / 3 HR / 13 RBI / 1.435 SLG) and Sumerian God Enlil (.706 / 4 HR / 9 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/8/3006 - John Travolta XVII was on hand to see his religious icon, A Thetan, crush 3 home runs and drive in 6 runs in Houston's 10-8 win over Charlotte.

9/13/3006 - Pueblo Indian God Awonawilona (.577 / 14 RBI) and Egyptian God Ra (.600 / 16 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/16/3006 - Mayan God Hunab Ku hits three Home Runs with 7 RBI as Stockton kicks around Columbus, 14-6.

9/19/3006 - Philadelphia RF Tekkeitsertok has a nice day, going 6 for 6 at the plate with 3 doubles, 3 home runs, 5 runs scored and 8 RBI. Philadelphia destroys Chicago, 21-2.

9/20/3006 - Tekkeitsertok (.706 / 5 HR / 13 RBI) and Hunab Ku (.476 / 4 HR / 12 RBI / 1.381 SLG) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/21/3006 - Lewiston (Altjira) clinches the UL Southwest Division title.

9/26/3006 - Hartford (Bondje) clinches the CL Southeast Division title.

9/26/3006 - Charlotte's 3B Abraham goes 6 for 6 with 2 singles, 2 doubles and 2 home runs, driving in 5 in Charlotte's 16-3 bitch-slapping of Phoenix.

9/27/3006 - Judaism icon Abraham (.615 / 5 HR / 16 RBI) and Hinduism deity Vishnu (.650 / 17 RBI) win Player of the Week Awards.

9/27/3006 - While legging out a double in the 2nd inning of Gadsden's game in Cincinnati, Norse God Odin tweaks his knee a little bit and must come out of the game. He has been diagnosed with a sore knee - nothing serious, he will be at about 90% effectiveness for the next week.

9/29/3006 - While sliding into 2nd base in the 3rd inning of Hartford's game in Atlanta, Voodoo God Bondje pulls a muscle in his back and will be out of action for at least 5 weeks. With Hartford heading to the playoffs in under a week, the future does not look bright for Hartford fans. When asked about the injury after the game, Bondje replied: "I made a terrible mistake. I had put my Voodoo doll in my back pocket for luck, but when I slid into 2nd, he folded in half and thus my back is injured. I don't even know why I would carry around a doll of myself...the rest of the Voodoo gods are *never* going to let this die..."

9/29/3006 - September appears to be a good month for Home Runs as Jupiter clubs 3 in Cincinnati's 10-9 win in Buffalo.

10/1/3006 - Buddhism icon Siddhartha Guatama (.537 / 18 HR / 43 RBI) and Greek Father God Zeus (.556 / 16 HR / 35 RBI) win 3006's last Batter of the Month Awards.

Deity BA Leader: Anu .521 (+.006 over 2nd place - Vishnu)
Deity HR Leader: Anu 94 (+2 over 2nd place - Hunab Ku)
Deity RBI Leader: Abraham 229 (+2 over 2nd place - Anu)
Deity SB Leader: Jesus Christ 95 (+1 over 2nd place - Siddhartha Guatama)

Deity Career Leaderboard - Hits
1.) Vishnu 807
2.) Bondje 787
3.) Odin 776
4.) Hunab Ku 774
5.) Lao-tzu 770
6.) uKqili 765
7.) Siddhartha Guatama 764
8.) Anu 754
9.) A Thetan 741
10.) Altjira 740
10.) Ra 740

[Vris]

Great job. Glad to see Anu break the record. He deserves it. 62 games will probably hold for a season or 2, in this league.

"I made a terrible mistake. I had put my Voodoo doll in my back pocket for luck, but when I slid into 2nd, he folded in half and thus my back is injured. I don't even know why I would carry around a doll of myself...the rest of the Voodoo gods are *never* going to let this die..."--One of the funniest quotes ever. And from a diety, no less!

[enigk]

October 3rd, 3006

The last day of the season saw Anu looking to capture the UL's first Triple Crown and El Paso and Columbus deadlocked for the division lead of the UL Northwest.

In an early game, Vishnu and his Columbus teammates held off a late-surging Gadsden team for a 9-8 win, putting the pressure on El Paso to win their late game against Pittsburgh. El Paso couldn't live up to that pressure, however, as they get steamrolled by Pittsburgh, 13-3. So, Columbus wins the UL Northwest Pennant and will match-up with Little Rock in the first round, while El Paso will face off against Lewiston.

Irish deity Anu held a .006 BA lead over Vishnu, a 2 HR lead over Hunab Ku and a 7 RBI lead over Vishnu heading into the final game of the season. Anu's 3 for 4 performance in El Paso's 13-3 loss to Pittsburgh was enough to hold off Vishnu and Hunab Ku to win the Triple Crown! Anu ends the season with a .522 / 95 HR / 229 RBI, wins the Triple Crown and sets a new Hitting Streak record of 62 games. We'll see if he can continue his breakout year through the playoffs.

Jesus Christ (Memphis) had a great last day of the regular season as he hits a single, 2 doubles and 2 home runs, including a walk-off HR in the bottom of the 10th inning to give Memphis the win and a nice bump of momentum heading into the playoffs. On the day, Christ scored 4 runs and drove in 5.

The schedule for the first round of the playoffs is as follows (home team listed 2nd):

Houston (A Thetan) at Charlotte (Abraham)
Hartford (Bondje - DL) at Memphis (Jesus Christ)
Little Rock (Zeus) at Columbus (Vishnu)
Lewiston (Altjira) at El Paso (Anu)

CL BA Champion: Bondje .508
CL HR Champion: Jesus Christ 91
CL RBI Champion: Abraham 231
CL SB Champion(s): Siddhartha Guatama / Jesus Christ 95

UL BA Champion: Anu .522
UL HR Champion: Anu 95
UL RBI Champion: Anu 229
UL SB Champion: Altjira 84

[enigk]

October 10th, 3006

OPENING SERIES RESULTS

Houston (A Thetan) def. Charlotte (Abraham) 3-0
Hartford (Bondje-DL) def. Memphis (Jesus Christ) 3-1
Little Rock (Zeus) def. Columbus (Vishnu) 3-1
Lewiston (Altjira) def. El Paso (Anu) 3-0

It was a very bad week to be the home team, as home field advantage apparently resulted in home field disadvantage...

In the Houston/Charlotte series, the two battling deities were on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as performance. Abraham only managed to hit .125 (1 for 8) during the three game sweep, lowering his career playoff batting average to a pedestrian .308. On the other side of the field, A Thetan thrived in his first post-season appearance, hitting .750 with 3 HRs. Houston won all three games with scores of, 8-6, 4-0 (a 1-hitter) and 4-1.

The Hartford/Memphis series saw a deity-less Hartford team stun Memphis, stealing the first two games in Memphis and finally sealing the win in Game 4. Jesus Christ hit a respectable .412 in the series, but couldn't seem to rally the rest of his Memphis flock to step up their games. Hartford won games 1, 2 and 4 with scores of 6-4, 9-6 (11) and a demoralizing 10-0. Memphis pulled out game 3 by a score of 8-7, but it wasn't enough to right the ship. Jesus Christ was more than willing to shoulder the blame for the Memphis loss. "It's pretty embarrassing," relayed Jesus Christ following the game, "Hartford handled us pretty easy and that's even without Bondje playing...as the captain of this team as well as an icon for millions of Christians around the world, I need to step up and do a better job in close/late situations or with runners in scoring position..."

The Little Rock/Columbus showdown sees Zeus finally advancing past the first round in this, his third trip to the playoffs. The Greek Father God did not hit well at all in this series (.300) and was easily outshone by Hindu icon Vishnu (.706) in the battle of the alphabetically-last deities, but one deity does not a team make. Little Rock takes games 1, 3 and 4 with scores of 8-7, 13-9 and 8-3 while Columbus won game 2 with a 6-4 final.

Anu's fantastic season comes to a grinding halt as the Triple Crown winner is excommunicated from the playoffs with extreme prejudice in a 3-0 series sweep by Altjira and Lewiston. In the third and deciding game of the series, El Paso and Lewiston were deadlocked at 6 apiece following an Altjira run in the bottom of the 9th to tie the game and send it to extra innings. No scoring was to be found until the top of the 13th, when El Paso managed to score 3 runs to take the 9-6 lead. Lewiston tied the game at 9-9 with one out in the bottom of the 13th which was followed by mere mortal RF Johnny Davidson jacking a 3 run, walk-off homerun to the extreme delight of the home crowd. Lewiston's three wins came with the scores of 8-4, 2-1 and 12-9 (13).

Championship Series Matchups
CLCS: Houston (A Thetan) @ Hartford (Bondje-DL)
ULCS: Little Rock (Zeus) @ Lewiston (Altjira)

Deity Postseason Stats
A Thetan (.750 / 3 HR / 6 RBI)
Abraham (.125 / 0 HR / 0 RBI)
Bondje (374 bags of sunflower seeds eaten)
Jesus Christ (.412 / 1 HR / 2 RBI)
Zeus (.300 / 2 HR / 6 RBI)
Vishnu (.706 / 5 HR / 15 RBI)
Altjira (.462 / 2 HR / 4 RBI)
Anu (.182 / 0 HR / 1 RBI)

[enigk]

October 16th, 3006

CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES RESULTS

Houston (A Thetan) def. Hartford (Bondje-DL) 4-0
Lewiston (Altjira) def. Little Rock (Zeus) 4-0

A pair of sweeps bring us to the 3006 DCL World Series. In the CL, Hartford got off to a bad start, committing 4 errors and getting only one hit in their 10-0 beating in Hartford. That really took the wind out of their sails as they fall 5-3, 5-4 and 7-2 in the next three games, sending A Thetan to the World Series in his first trip to the postseason. Hartford really looked rudderless and adrift in a sea of uncertainty without their resident deity, Voodoo God Bondje. "The Houston team and that puny Thetan are lucky that the great and powerful Bondje was not playing in this series," Bondje was quoted as saying, "I was unable to cast any enchantments as I had run out of Haitian saffron. I call all stores. No one has Haitian saffron. I found some on eBay, but when the bidding got up over $40, I was all like: 'Screw *that*, man.' Bad enough dude is charging $17.50 shipping and handling...I mean, you get the package in the mail and the postage says $3.75! It just makes me very mad is what I'm trying to say."

A Thetan was notably emotionless following the game: "xy'Bjs Rrr't'ok qqiwli'o-l trkyth," he began, before someone in the back alerted him to the fact that his translation unit was not turned on. After flipping a switch on the silver box, the Scientology icon continued, "Sorry about that. I normally have one that is voice activated, but that thing has been on the blink recently. It is a great honor and a testament to science that I will be advancing to the World Series with my Houston teammates. The first year, they were all questioning why I required rectal probes from everyone, but I used that data to improve team chemistry 72.17583% and comraderie is up 48.33312%. You can't argue with science." When asked if he was concerned about the price of tickets skyrocketing as Scientologists tried to see their icon play in the Series, A Thetan responded, "My followers are a group of people who attain higher spirituality and knowledge by donating certain levels of money to the church. I don't think they'll have a problem forking out some extra cash to see me demolish Lewiston." At which point, A Thetan excused himself from the press room, retied one of his 24k gold shoes and was carried from the room by a solid gold carriage drawn by white Siberian tigers.

In the United League Championship Series, Altjira's first trip to the postseason is also a great success as he, too, will be advancing to the World Series as Lewiston upends Zeus' Little Rock team, 4 games to none. Lewiston had home field advantage and used it to their benefit as they win 11-4, 6-4, 12-4 and 5-3. This was Zeus' third trip to the playoffs in 3 years and he was not pleased that two newcomers were advancing to the big game. "It's obviously very frustrating," noted Zeus, "I was talking to Sisyphus the other day and he said he feels my pain...so it's nice talking with him to cheer me up. Misery loves company, I suppose."

Altjira was elated at a pep rally thrown in Australia by a large group of worshipping Aboriginals. "Thank you all for your hospitality and your gifts. As I have always said, you can never have too many rain sticks or didgeridoos. I promise to do my best and win the World Series for all of you and all of my followers around the world."

So the stage is set as Aboriginal deity Altjira will face off with Scientology icon A Thetan in the 3006 DCL World Series. It should be a diverse crowd, with the luxury boxes full of Hollywood big-wigs such as Tom Cruise XIX, John Travolta XVII, Nicole Kidman XII and That Chick From Dharma And Greg XIV while the bleachers are full of scantily-clad men with spears and painted faces.

Las Vegas has posted Houston as a 3-1 favorite with Lewiston standing close by at 5-1. Lewiston posted the better regular season record of 87-75, but Oddsmakers favor A Thetan and Houston who finished with a 84-78 record. We'll see who can make their followers proud and who will disappoint their loyal legion.

edit:
Deity Postseason Stats
A Thetan (.577 / 5 HR / 11 RBI)
Bondje (655 bags of Sunflower Seeds eaten)
Altjira (.500 / 4 HR / 9 RBI)
Zeus (.458 / 4 HR / 14 RBI)

[UngratefulDead]

This is great stuff, Bondje seems to have the best quotes.

[enigk]

3006 DCL WORLD SERIES

Game 1 - A Thetan starts a 6-run Houston 6th in Lewiston with a 2-run HR, but it's not enough as Lewiston closer Alexander Sedillo retires three Houston mortals 1-2-3 in the top of the 9th to leave A Thetan in the On-Deck circle and preserve the 8-7 Lewiston win. Lewiston Catcher Altjira was named Player of the Game with his 2 for 3, 3 runs scored, 3 RBI, double, HR and stolen base. A Thetan was 2 for 4 with a run scored, 2 RBI, a HR and a Stolen Base.

Game 2 - Lewiston starts off great, putting 3 runs on the board in the bottom of the 1st, but that was all the runs they would muster for the game and end up falling to Houston 8-3 at home. Altjira managed a 2 run Home Run in the first, but that was his only hit of the game as he goes 1-4 from the plate with a run scored and 2 RBI. A Thetan manages 3 singles (3 for 5), 2 runs scored and 2 stolen bases as Houston sends the series back home all knotted up at 1-1.

Game 3 - Trading punches like a great heavyweight fight, Lewiston takes Game 3 in Houston, 12-8. A Thetan hits 2 solo Home runs on a 2 for 3 night, but Lewiston jumps all over Houston's Starting Pitcher James Erb, chasing him after only 2 2/3 innings but 8 runs allowed. Erb had been magnificent heading into the game, with a 3-0 postseason record and a postseason ERA under 2.00, but Lewiston got to him early and often scoring at least 2 runs in each of the first three innings. Altjira's only hit of the game was another 2 run HR in the top of the first, which got the ball rolling for Lewiston.

Game 4 - Lewiston manages 10 hits, but only 2 runs as Houston evens the series at 2-2 with a 7-2 win at home. A Thetan had a less than stellar night, managing only a single and a walk in 4 AB and was caught stealing. For Lewiston, Altjira managed a single, double and triple in his 3 for 4 performance and drove in one of Lewiston's 2 runs.

Game 5 - Houston mortal Daniel Barajas delivers a game-winning pinch hit RBI single in the bottom of the 10th to give Houston a 3-2 series lead and pin Lewiston against the wall. Houston won the game 3-2 despite only a single, walk and stolen base from Scientology icon A Thetan. For Lewiston, Aboriginal deity Altjira manages 2 singles and a walk and is thrown out trying to steal second. Lewiston outhit Houston 8-7, but it's the runs that count. The series heads back to Lewiston where they need to win two in a row to win the trophy.

Game 6 - After his early departure in Game 3, James Erb took the mound for Houston with the chance to close out the series. He pitched better than he did in his last outing, but still is tagged for 5 runs in 4 innings as Lewiston deadlocks the series at 3 all with a 7-3 win. With the win, Lewiston pitcher Russell Miller pulls his postseason record to 5-0 despite a 4.32 ERA. On the night, A Thetan was 2 for 3 with a run scored, a walk and a stolen base, but was also gunned down trying to steal 3rd. Lewiston Catcher Altjira was 2 for 4 with 2 runs scored an RBI and a Stolen Base.

Game 7 - In a fantastic Game 7, Houston had runners on the corners with 2 outs in the top of the 9th with the game tied at 6, but A Thetan was gunned down trying to steal 2nd base to end the threat. Lewiston was unable to score in the bottom of the 9th which sent the game to extra innings. In the top of the 10th, a Houston mortal managed a two-out walk, but the aggressive base-running of the Houston team bites them in their collective ass again as he is gunned down trying to steal 2nd base. In the bottom of the 10th, with two outs and the winning run at 3rd base, Altjira strode to the plate sporting his week's worth of beard growth and a determined look in his eyes. Lewiston fans swung their Rally Didgeridoos in the air (37 people were injured) and Hollywood Scientologists actually turned off their cell phone implants as the tension couldn't even be cut with a knife. Altjira took a cut at the first pitch he saw and drove it deep to left field where it just cleared the glove of the mortal Houston LF for a 2-run, walk-off, World Series-winning, word-hyphenating Home Run. Fireworks lit the night sky as Altjira rounded the bases. He was so overjoyed and filled with adrenaline, that while high-fiving the third base coach rounding third, he actually slapped the poor man's arm right off of his torso and into the seats behind 3rd base. Two men are each claiming ownership of the 3rd base coach's arm and both have retained legal counsel. That only slightly dampened the celebration as Lewiston fans poured onto the field and Altjira regrew the man's arm on the spot. The only other dark spot on the evening was the death of Jimmy Fallon XVI. In his haste to remove his Houston shirt and put on a Lewiston shirt following the Altjira home run, the Houston shirt got caught around his neck, snapping his spinal column in 6 places. He will most likely not be missed.

On the day, Altjira was a fantastic 5 for 6 from the plate with 3 singles, 2 HRs, 2 runs scored and 5 RBI, including the game-winning 2 Run HR in the 10th. Altjira had a magnificent series and was named Post-Season MVP. A Thetan did not fare nearly as well as Altjira in the last game of the series as he manages only a single in the 9th and was gunned down trying to steal 2nd.

Following the game, Altjira was elated, "Oh, man, I can't believe it! I mean, sure, I created the world and everything, but that's not that much pressure - there's no one around to see if you mess up. Here, I have millions and millions of people watching me...I knew as soon as I made contact with that ball that it was gone and I was going to be absolutely *rolling* in Aboriginal booty for weeks! I'm like a kid in a candy store right now, I really am!"

In the Houston locker room, A Thetan was typically stone-faced. "Well," it began, "I thought I had gathered all the data that I needed with my rectal probes, but apparently we need to work on our 'Clutch' rating. So, I will have to return to the mothership to obtain it from the probe washer. I would like to take this time to thank all of my followers around the globe for all of their support and all of the money which they continue to provide me. It will really help pick me up following this defeat."

Deity Postseason Stats
A Thetan .509 / 8 HR / 15 RBI / 11 SB / 5 CS
Altjira .536 / 9 HR / 23 RBI / 3 SB / 5 CS